Strength and Courage
by elphiemolizbethbau
Summary: Emily and JJ have been together for many years and have been through many things in the process. But in the aftermath of a traumatic encounter with an unsub, JJ must learn to let her wife help her heal from her present and her past, with the support of family and friends, and along the way, the two will learn the true power of their connection. Femslash. *THERE IS NOW A SEQUEL*
1. Chapter 1

Strength and Courage

Chapter 1

 **AN: This is my first Criminal Minds fic. Jemily is my favorite ship ever and I wanted to explore them in this. There will be occasional femslash (never written that before, so let's see how it goes) as well as conversations about a past trauma involving abduction and torture and sexual assault—so trigger warnings. None of the events of season 6 took place and JJ is a profiler as well as Emily. Feel free to let me know your ideas and what you think. I'm open to doing things such as flashbacks from the past. Just let me know what you think. I'll try to update as much as possible since I have another fic right now as well.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc, but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

" _Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

Jennifer Jareau sat at her desk in the bullpen. It had been almost three months since it happened and it was her first day back at work. Her wife, Emily, had been concerned it was too early for her to come back and she was determined to prove her wrong. Three months ago was JJ's last case. The unsub was kidnapping, torturing, and murdering blonde women in positions of power in the DC area. From the beginning, the team had considered JJ a suspected target and had kept a close eye on her, Emily more than the others.

Spencer was on JJ watch at the time and because he was distracted by a book he was reading related to the case, the blonde agent had taken the opportunity to get some fresh air alone. It was a mistake and soon she found herself bound and gagged in the basement of a serial killer. Needless to say, JJ's abduction sped up the progress of the case and within hours, Emily and Derek were ambushing the house before SWAT even arrived.

It was a close one for JJ. She had been through hell in those hours, and she had barely even began to work through the trauma. Emily had been incredibly supportive, but almost smothering at times, and JJ needed to prove to Hotch and Emily and everyone else that she was as tough as the rest of the team.

A hand on her shoulder pulled JJ out of her thoughts with a jump. "Sorry, Jayje. I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's okay, Pen," JJ replied with a smile. "Do we have a case?"

"We do. And it's bad, Jay. Hotch told me to tell you that if you want, you can stay here with me."

"No, I'm fine. I need to get back in the field, Penelope." JJ was adamant that she be fully back at her job. She had been cleared almost a month ago, but Emily had insisted she wait a few more weeks.

"Alright, then, sweet cheeks. Roundtable room in 5." The spirited woman walked from JJ's desk with pep in her step and JJ sighed. She gathered the files she was previously looking through and put them in a neat pile in the corner. They would have to wait. She wondered what this new case would be about. This would be the first time JJ could really see a case from the victims' perspective and the thought truly worried her. What if she couldn't hold it together? She might be able to control her micro-expressions in front of the rest of the team, but Emily would see right through her. Emily had always been able to read JJ like an open book, but sometimes, especially in the beginning, it was like the book was written in a different language. Good thing Emily was fluent in several.

* * *

 _"JJ, I just don't understand why this is so hard for you."_

 _"Emily, we spend way too much time with these people. I don't want the team dynamic to change. If they knew were together, no one would treat us the same."_

 _The two were lounging in Emily's condo having yet another argument about telling the team. "JJ, baby, no one is going to treat us differently. We all know something is going on with Morgan and Garcia, and nobody says anything, and Rossi and Strauss are together, so it's not like she'll kick us out of the unit. We've proven that we can be professional in the field." JJ didn't reply. "Are you embarrassed? Is that it? Oh my god, you don't want the team to know you're gay!"_

 _"Please, Em, I've been out since I was fourteen. You know it has nothing to do with that. It's only because my sexuality has never come up with them before. I'm just nervous. I've never felt like this before. It's just a little overwhelming."_

 _Emily sighed and pulled her girlfriend to her. "Jen, I'm sorry if I'm putting too much pressure on you. It's just you're my best friend and I love you so much. I really want to shout that to the world, you know?"_

 _"Yeah, and a part of me feels that way too. I'll get over the nervousness. I think if we just do it, it'll turn out fine," JJ stated, attempting to convince herself._

 _"Are you sure? We don't have to if you're really not ready."_

 _"No, I'm sure. We'll tell them on Monday?"_

 _"Sounds like a plan."_

* * *

JJ made her way into the roundtable room after everyone else had filed in. She sat in the empty chair next to Emily and turned her attention to Garcia and Hotch. "Welcome back, JJ," Hotch started and everyone echoed the comment.

"It's good to have you back, kiddo," Rossi added, finishing the chain of warm welcomes.

Hotch decided to shift the team's attention to the task before them. "Garcia and I have gotten word of an unsub in Nashville." Garcia clicked her remote and pointed it towards the screen and pictures appeared.

Penelope took over. "Twenty-one year old Beth Hansen disappeared from Green Hills a week ago, twenty-one year old Jessica Anderson disappeared from Bellevue a day later, and twenty-four year olds Ali Foster and Madison Blaylock disappeared from downtown Nashville four days after that. The four victims were disposed of in two separate garbage dumps. Two days ago, Beth's body was found in one dump, and later in the day, Jessica was found in another." The pictures of the crime scenes appeared as Garcia spoke. "Yesterday morning, Ali was found in the same dump as the one Jessica was found in. And last night, Madison's body was discovered in the first dump."

"Four victims in one week; that's not much of a cooling off period," Emily observed as she eyed JJ, knowing her wife and the rest of the team had noticed the same thing she had: all the victims were blonde and beautiful, almost as beautiful as JJ, Emily added to herself.

Knowing the team was concerned, JJ broke the silence after Emily's statement. "He seems to want two victims at the same time. And he spent more time with the first pair than the second."

Hotch continued. "So we should expect the next pair to be abducted very soon. We have to hit this one running. We'll continue briefing on the jet. Wheels up in 20."

Everyone began to gather their files together and exit the room to gather their go bags and get ready for the trip. JJ hesitated and in turn, so did Emily. Before Hotch left, he turned to JJ. "Agent Jareau, there's nothing wrong with easing yourself back into field work." His voice was kind and concerned, but the use of "Agent Jareau" conveyed the seriousness of his statement.

"I appreciate that, Hotch, but I'm really fine."

"I trust your judgement, JJ, I just want to make sure. The victimology is-"

"I know all about the victimology. I'm ready to be back. I wouldn't be here if I thought I was putting anyone in unnecessary danger, including myself," JJ asserted.

"Alright. See you on the jet."

Hotch exited the room leaving JJ and Emily alone. "Jennifer, are you sure you're up to this?"

"Emily, I'm not an invalid," JJ spat. She realized her tone was cold, so she took a deep breath before continuing. "I know I'm not totally recovered from all that's happened, but if I don't push myself, I'm not going to get anywhere."

"You're right, Jen, but I'm never going to not worry about you."

"I would worry about you if you did." JJ smiled and then followed her wife to the jet. They were the first to arrive and they sat on the couch together. Hotch boarded next, then came Rossi, and then Reid and Morgan. The jet took off and Hotch waited a few minutes before beginning the conversation.

"Let's talk about victimology," he began.

Spencer immediately started talking. "All four victims were slim blondes in their early twenties. There doesn't seem to be anything else connecting them, but I'll keep searching. In a city as big as Nashville is, it wouldn't be improbable that these women weren't connected, but maybe attended the same concert, or shopped at the same grocery store."

"What's bothering me is the two victims at the same time. Why would that be?" Morgan asked.

Emily offered, "Maybe he wants them to watch what he's doing to the other."

"Whatever it is, this is incredibly personal," Rossi answered Prentiss. "The overkill on these women is extreme. Not to mention, the torture beforehand."

JJ hesitated for a moment before asking, "Any evidence of sexual assault?"

Emily replied immediately. "None."

"Are the women stabbed? Maybe he's impotent?" Morgan theorized.

"They seemed to have bled out after being cut repeatedly, but it doesn't look like these cuts were deep. They were just meticulously placed. Maybe someone in the medical profession?" Hotch suggested.

"I don't think that's a connection we should be making," Reid advised. "The medical knowledge needed for these cuts is minimal. Not to mention it looks like these cuts were made with glass."

Hotch closed his file. "We're going to land soon. I think we have enough to start looking for connections."

"Hotch, how long do we have until another pair is taken? And how long would these girls have?" JJ asked. She was concerned for the potential victims. JJ had always had a gift for empathy, but now, she could truly empathize with women who were assault survivors, and the ones who didn't live through the ordeal as well.

Before the BAU's unit chief could reply, the screen on the table lit up with Garcia's face. "I'm sorry to rain on your parade, Barbra Streisand, but a girl has been taken from Germantown," the technical analyst began. "If you take out your handy tablets, you'll see Amanda Huntington, twenty-three years old. She disappeared this morning outside of her job at a local restaurant."

"She matches the victimology perfectly," Emily thought aloud.

"If the pattern holds, another girl will go missing later today or early tomorrow. And they won't have long if it's true he's spending less time with them," Morgan reminded the team of their predicament.

"As my chocolate Adonis has so kindly reminded us," Garcia started with a wink in Morgan's direction, "there will inevitably be another abduction, and I will let you know when it happens."

"Thanks, baby girl," Morgan replied.

"No problem, furry friends. It is my pleasure to be the all-knowing genius I am. Garcia signing off." Garcia was seen pressing a button and then she disappeared.

The team appreciated Garcia's humor as always; it gave them a chance to be light-hearted, if only for a moment. The Behavioral Analysis Unit team was well aware of the egregiousness of the current case they were working. Two more women could be dead within the next twenty-four hours and it didn't seem like the unsub's abduction rate would slow at all.

Hotch, feeling the sense of urgency, began divvying out tasks. "Alright, when we land, Rossi and Morgan, go to the newest abduction site. Prentiss, go talk to the M.E., and Reid and I will work on the geographical profile at the station."

All the agents nodded except JJ who looked confused. She peeked her head over the chair to make sure Hotch saw her. "Uh. Hotch? What about me?"

"I'm sorry, JJ. I guess I'm used to not having you here. We all need to get back into the swing of things the way they were before…" Hotch didn't finish the sentence but instead trailed off.

"Where do you want me to go, Hotch?" JJ asked her boss, unamused by the situation.

Emily gave Hotch a pointed look that spoke volumes. "Go ahead and go with Emily, JJ, if that's okay with you." He added the last part for the blonde agent's benefit, but he knew Emily wasn't leaving the jet without JJ by her side.

JJ saw her wife sigh in relief and she became frustrated. She kept her outward appearance calm because the last thing she needed was to be suspended or fired for arguing with orders. "Of course, Hotch." She smiled at Emily, but the smile didn't reach her eyes and JJ knew her wife would notice. JJ almost enjoyed that fact. It wasn't that she didn't appreciate Emily, but she was overprotective to the point of being more annoying than a child in the candy aisle of a grocery store, and sometimes, she just needed Emily to back off. It didn't take long after JJ's abduction for her to realize her wife of five years was incapable of backing off, and so she settled for nagging her about it without words. JJ needed Emily to know she was fine. She wasn't always fine, but she had been more than okay for several weeks before going back to work and the streak of no flashbacks had not yet been interrupted.

As the agents were unloading from the jet, Emily held JJ back. "Emily…" JJ warned.

"Jennifer, I just need you to hear me out for a second, please," the brunette begged and earned a nod from JJ. "Please come to me if you need a break of if you need to talk or for no reason at all. Honestly, JJ, I want to be here for you, but you don't seem to want to let me."

"Emily. I'm _fine_." She stressed the word in a way that proved to Emily that she was in fact not fine.

"Jennifer, we haven't even had sex since what happened."

JJ immediately blushed and searched for any of her teammates, relieved when she confirmed she and Emily were the only ones on the jet. "Emily, I really have no idea what that has to do with me being on this case."

Emily reached out and placed her hand on JJ's arm and she visibly tensed before relaxing into the touch. "You do, Jennifer. You do. You know exactly what it has do to with you being on this case. For the last three months, you've avoided doing anything that you thought would trigger you, and I don't blame you for that. I'm not some impatient heartless bitch; you know I'm not telling you this because I'm trying to rush you into anything and I'm not trying to stop you from doing your job, honey. But you jump when I touch your arm before you see it coming. Something could happen in the field and I just want to be there for you if it does. Jen, try to imagine yourself in my position for a second."

JJ nodded vigorously. "You're right. I would be even crazier than you." JJ laughed to lift the tense atmosphere that had settled around them.

"Alright. I'll try harder to give you some space, but I'm not going to stop doing things like this and checking in on you, okay? Please don't ask me to." JJ nodded and Emily pulled her in for a hug. When they released each other, Emily took JJ's hand. "Let's go kick some criminal ass."

 **AN: What do you think so far? What do you want to see happen in the future?**

 **Thanks for reading and please leave a review for me! They make me want to write more.**


	2. Chapter 2

Strength and Courage

Chapter 2

 **AN: Here is the second chapter. Sections written in italics are flashbacks. I'm about to start my senior year of high school, so updates won't be every day; I'm going to try for once a week at least(and chapters might be shorter), but that might be hard considering I have another fic I'm writing for Wicked the musical. I will do my best and reviews are great encouragement. I got some reviews on my first chapter and I'll do my best to incorporate them in this. Please share your ideas and opinions! Thanks!**

 **-Gabby**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning in this chapter for conversations about rape and violence. Also, there is some offensive language (I promise I'm not a homophobe)**

" _Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

 _"Can she stay? We're married," JJ begged the doctor treating her wounds. She couldn't imagine going another second without her wife at this point. JJ was all but falling apart, and Emily was the only anchor she had to the planet. She reached out her hand to Emily, making sure she knew she was not allowed to go anywhere. Emily grasped her hand immediately and squeezed gently._

 _"I'll stay out of your way, doctor, but I need to be here for her." Emily's statement had no question in it. She wasn't leaving her Jennifer, no matter what._

 _"Of course, agents." Doctor Jane Chung was a kind, compassionate woman and an incredibly experienced physician. But never in her twenty years of being a doctor had she seen injuries like JJ's. Maybe on a dead person, but Agent Jennifer Jareau was alive and conscious and sitting up with relatively little help._

 _Emily moved to sit behind JJ on the examining table. JJ immediately panicked. "Where are you going?"_

 _"I'm not going anywhere, Jen," Emily assured her wife in a soothing voice. The brunette second guessed her decision to sit behind JJ. "Dr. Chung, where can I be that would be out of your way?"_

 _"Well, I'll be examining her from the right side, so if you want to stand or sit on her left, that would be fine. Agent Jareau-"_

 _"Please call me JJ," she requested as Emily released her wife's right hand to sit next to her and hold her left hand._

 _"Alright, JJ. I need to feel around your ribs to see if they may be broken. Will you lay back please?" JJ was dreading this. The vulnerability of her position was made apparent when she realized she had no choice in going through with this exam. She knew what had happened, and she just wanted to go home. The moment Dr. Chung's hand made contact with her ribcage, JJ's hand put a vice grip on Emily's. Emily couldn't tell if it was because she was in pain or because it was incredibly uncomfortable for JJ to have anyone touching her. In either case, it broke Emily's heart and she used her free hand to smooth her wife's hair back and then kept her hand on her head._

 _After a few moments the doctor spoke. "At least two of your ribs are obviously broken and I can't for the life of me figure out why you're not screaming, JJ. That was easily a 10 on the pain scale."_

 _JJ's voice sounded numb and detached. "I've felt 100 today. A 10 is barely worth a reaction."_

 _Dr. Chung met Emily's gaze. The agent released a tear and wiped it away quickly enough that JJ didn't notice. "JJ," the doctor started slowly. "We need to do a rape kit. And then we'll make sure all your cuts are cleaned and bandaged, okay?"_

 _JJ didn't react to the statement, but her wife flinched instinctively. Just twenty-four hours ago this was just an ordinary case. And now, she was sitting in the space of many women and men she had comforted and taken statements from. She didn't know how these people could even hold themselves up. Emily felt a bit lightheaded actually, probably partly because she hadn't eaten or drunken anything since JJ went missing. She steeled herself to be the strong one and gave JJ's hand a squeeze. "I'm not going anywhere, Jen," she spoke softly._

 _JJ looked up at Emily. "Can you? Go, I mean."_

 _Emily was confused. "Baby, I don't understand."_

" _Just…go get some food and make sure everyone knows that I'm okay. Please."_

" _Jennifer, I-"_

" _Please," JJ begged._

" _Okay, I'll be here when you need me." Emily placed a gentle kiss on her wife's forehead and went to exit the room. She turned to Doctor Chung. "Will you come talk to us when you're done?"_

" _Of course. We'll probably be done here in about thirty minutes."_

 _Emily exited the hospital room, taking long confident strides. She didn't understand why JJ didn't want her there with her. JJ was strong, Emily knew that, but when JJ was hurt, she always relied on her for comfort. This was somewhat different, obviously, but Emily couldn't help how hurt she felt._

* * *

JJ and Emily arrived to the M.E.'s office about an hour after the jet landed. The doctor was waiting for them. "You must be the agents from the BAU," he said, shaking each of their hands. JJ reached for the hand sanitizer dispenser on the wall and squirted a liberal amount on her hands and rubbed it in up to her elbows. She then placed the extra sanitizer on one of Emily's hands as she spoke.

"I'm SSA Jennifer Jareau, this is SSA Emily Prentiss," JJ introduced.

"I'm Doctor Flynn. I wish we were meeting under less unfortunate circumstances." Dr. Flynn gestured to the four bodies in the room. "They're lined up in order of death," he explained, guiding them towards Beth Hansen's body and then lifting the sheet covering the top half of her body. "As you can see, there is blunt force trauma to the head. This was done ante-mortem."

"So he probably blitzed her," Emily observed.

Dr. Flynn continued. "If you look at the cuts along her torso and arms," he spoke as he gingerly lifted the victim's right arm, "it's obvious some cuts were meant to inflict pain-the ones that were made first-and some were intended to cause death-the ones made later. Also, if you look closely at the ones on her face and neck, they were all inflicted post mortem."

"Overkill," JJ concluded.

"But why her face and neck?" wondered Emily.

JJ was intrigued by something though. "What made these jagged edges?"

Dr. Flynn walked them over to the second victim, Jessica Anderson. "The same thing that made these jagged edges. Looks like some kind of glass. There were shards, but they're too small to make an assumption about what it's from."

"Similar injuries on the second two victims?" JJ asked.

Dr. Flynn nodded and walked over to Ali Foster, the third victim. JJ held back a gasp. All the victims looked like her, but Ali looked like a dead version of JJ ten years ago. "The second pair of victims have almost identical injuries."

"Different from the first two?" Emily questioned.

"Yes. There doesn't seem to be any head trauma on Ali and Madison, but both had been beaten severely about the ribs. In fact, Ali's lung was punctured."

JJ placed her hand down on the slab to steady herself. "He's devolving," she managed to get out through her dizziness.

" _I'm gonna beat the gay out of you, you stupid dyke." Kick._

"The only thing I have left to add is all four victims' throats show signs of repeated regurgitation. I'll go grab the toxicology reports for the first two victims. The second two will be ready in a few hours and I'll have someone deliver them to the police station."

" _You're a worthless piece of shit." Punch._

"Thank you, Doctor," Emily said and turned to JJ who looked like she was about to pass out.

" _I'll show you what a real man is." Slap._

"Jay? Jennifer?" Emily asked with concerned and reached her hand out to place it on top of the one JJ had rested on the M.E.'s slab.

" _You want to get out of here alive? You will obey me!" Kick. Punch._

As Dr. Flynn exited the room, the door slammed.

" _Your stupid_ wife _will never love you again! You're sick!" Punch. "I will fix you!" Kick._

"JJ," Emily called desperately.

 _"JJ. That's a gay name."_

"Jen. Jennifer!"

 _"Jennifer."_

"Agent Jareau!"

JJ instantly snapped out of it. "Emily?"

"It's me. I'm here." Emily fought the urge to wrap the younger agent in her arms, knowing it would probably cause more harm than good, but she kept her hand in contact with JJ's. "What just happened?"

"The victim…she…" JJ stammered.

Emily took the risk and stepped closer to her wife, wrapping an arm around her, relieved when JJ relaxed into the embrace. "I know, sweetie. I know," she soothed in understanding. "Let's get the toxicology reports and get out of here, okay?" JJ nodded.

* * *

 _"Emily, what's going on in there?" Spencer asked as soon as he saw Emily appear from the examination room._

 _"They're doing a rape kit," Emily informed the team. All of her colleagues, including Garcia, had gathered around Exam Room 4 in the Georgetown ER._

 _"And you_ left _?" Morgan asked with accusation in his voice._

 _"She asked me to," Emily explained._

 _"And you listened?" Morgan accused once again._

 _"I guess. I mean, should I not have? She was uncomfortable with me being there."_

 _"Emily," Penelope explained, "I think she's afraid of what you think of her."_

 _"What do you mean, Garcia?" Emily asked in frustration, pinching the bridge of her nose almost painfully._

 _"When I was shot," the technical analyst informed Emily and the rest of her team of crime fighters, "I knew you were all talking about me as a victim, and I didn't want to be treated that way. I think Jayje feels the same way. Not to mention she is already really shy and introverted. Also, Emily, I think she feels absolutely disgusted with herself. You know her better than any of us." She shot a pointed look at Morgan that said 'I'll talk to you later'. "You left because you knew it was she needed at the time. But she probably feels undeserving of your love, Em. You have to convince her it's not true."_

 _Emily nodded. "Thanks, Pen. You're right."_

 _The agents had all eaten lunch and had saved a sandwich for Emily, which she gratefully ate to distract herself. After a few minutes, she began pacing. After some time, Emily heard a scream of terror from inside the examination room. She immediately bolted in, her gun drawn, searching for the catalyst of her wife's fear. What she found was a male nurse._

 _"What are you doing?" Emily interrogated and turned to find Dr. Chung who was not in the room._

 _"I'm sorry, agent," the nurse apologized, "but can you please put the gun down?"_

 _Emily holstered her weapon and glared angrily. "It was made clear as soon as we arrived that only female personnel were to tend to Agent Jareau." She walked slowly to her wife who was still huddled in a ball, her robe falling off her. She spoke softly to JJ. "Can I fix this?" she asked, gesturing to the robe. JJ barely nodded, but Emily took it as permission to clothe her terrified wife. When she was finished, she turned back to the nurse. "Who gave you permission to come in here?" Emily was livid._

 _"I was just doing my rounds," the man explained in a desperate attempt to prove his innocence._

 _"You know what? Just get out before I have you fired, and possibly arrested for the assault of a federal agent."_

 _As the frightened nurse turned to leave, Dr. Chung entered. "Stephen! What are you doing in here? I told you only women were allowed to enter room 4."_

 _"I thought this was room 5." Both doctor and brunette agent glared at him. "I'm just gonna…" He bolted out of the room._

 _"I am so sorry, Agent Prentiss. I'll take care of that situation, I promise. He's knew, but that's no excuse."_

 _Emily nodded in response to the doctor's statement, but focused her attention on JJ. "Jen, are you okay?" No answer. "Alright, I know that's a stupid question, but can you answer me at least?"_

 _JJ nodded. "I'm so sorry, Emily."_

 _"You have nothing to apologize for. Okay? Just take some deep breaths for me," Emily comforted._

 _"It hurts to breathe," JJ reminded her wife._

 _"Just try, baby, just try." Emily slowly placed her hand on JJ's back, slow enough that JJ could see it and knew it was coming. Once she relaxed, Emily began moving her hand up and down JJ's back. "Good girl. I'm going to be right outside with Doctor Chung, okay?" When she got a mumbled response, she leant down to place a tender kiss on her wife's head and then gestured for the doctor to follow her out of the room._

 _"Agent Prentiss, are you alright with the rest of your team hearing this?"_

 _Emily looked to her colleagues and found five desperately concerned faces. She nodded to the doctor and she began. "Well, first off, I want to make sure you understand just how strong JJ is. She refused narcotics, and I assume she has her reasons for that," Dr. Chung assured as Spencer came to stand next to Emily and took her hand in a comforting gesture, "but she will be in some pain for a while. Severe pain for several days, probably. She has three broken ribs. Two that are severely bruised. All but one of her cuts were superficial. One on her arm required eleven stitches and it will scar, but it should heal fine. I'm putting her on antibiotics to make sure she doesn't get an infection." At this point, Garcia had tears rolling down her cheeks, Hotch and Morgan had fists clenched in rage, Rossi was standing on the other side of Emily with his arm around her, and Reid had unshed tears welling up in his eyes. Emily stood there stoically._

 _"And…the rape kit?" she managed to ask._

 _"I'm sorry, but there was evidence of semen and severe bruising around her inner thighs. We administered the morning after pill, just in case."_

 _Emily nodded in understanding, and as she did, a single tear fell from her eye, down her cheek, and onto her shirt, right above her heart._

* * *

JJ was in the bathroom of the police station, washing her hands, when Emily walked in. "I figured I would find you here. The others are back; Morgan brought lunch."

"Did they find something?" JJ asked absentmindedly, running a finger along the scar on her forearm.

"I think we all did. C'mon. Let's go see," Emily gently commanded, grabbing the hand that was currently covering JJ's scar and leading her into the conference room, where the rest of the team was assembled. They all sat down at the table and began to eat the Chinese food Morgan had picked up.

Hotch spoke. "Before we start, I have to let you all know that a sixth victim was abducted. Twenty-two year old Sarah Vaughn was taken from East Nashville. There have been no reports of bodies found, so we have to assume both Sarah and Amanda Huntington are still alive."

Reid continued. "It seems that this unsub's hunting ground is simply Davidson County. Unfortunately, it's the most populous county in Tennessee, so it's going to make our job harder."

"Spence, is that all you have?" JJ asked urgently. "I mean, we can save these two girls if we figure this out soon, right? Do you have anything else?"

"Hotch does," was Spencer's response.

Five agents turned to Hotch as he began to explain. "This is personal for the unsub. The fact that there's no sexual assault and the murders don't display signs of impotence leads me to believe this has something to do with the unsub's family. Not a romantic partner, but maybe a sibling or child."

Emily decided this would be a good time to add to the conversation. "The cuts on all four victims were made with shards of glass and I think I know from what. Bottles containing alcoholic beverages. The toxicology reports for the first two victims show both women were extremely drunk at the time of their death, drunk enough for them to still have traces of alcohol in their systems hours later."

JJ continued. "These women seem to have bled to death, but the alcohol could have killed them as well."

Rossi asked, "Do you think they were forced to drink?"

JJ nodded. "The M.E. told us all four victims vomited several times before their deaths. I wouldn't be surprised."

"You know," Reid added, "We said all the victims were in their early twenties, but specifically, twenty-one to twenty-four. The youngest victims were twenty-one. None were younger."

"So, this has something to do with alcoholism," Emily concluded.

Morgan decided to chime in. "We talked to Amanda's boss, and he claims he saw her arguing with a man last week. Apparently, Amanda was drunk. Her boss assumed the man was her father, but after she was abducted, he felt uneasy about it."

"Did you get a description of the man?" Hotch asked.

"White, late forties, and get this," Rossi continued. "Apparently, he was wearing a shirt that employees of a local liquor store wear. Our witness couldn't remember which one though."

Hotch took out his phone. "Garcia?"

"Yes, my lovely superheroes."

"I need you to compile a list of all employees, maintenance workers, owners, of liquor stores in Davidson County, and the names of all the stores."

"That's gonna be a lot of names."

"We'll narrow it down once we have more information, baby girl," Morgan assured her.

"Alright, hot chocolate. Call ya back in a pinch."

Immediately after the line went dead, the head detective of the MNPD walked in. "Amanda Huntington's body was found."

"In a dump?" Hotch asked.

"No," the detective replied confused. "She was partially buried."

Emily's eyes met JJ's before the brunette agent spoke. "We need to deliver the profile."

 **AN: I hope you liked this chapter! Let me know what you think and what you would like to see happen. I'll try to update tomorrow or Tuesday. If not, I'll try for the weekend.**


	3. Chapter 3

Strength and Courage

Chapter 3

 **AN:** **Here is the third chapter. I want to thank the people who have reviewed and followed. I don't want to be one of the writers who threaten to stop writing if they don't get reviews (especially because I'm writing this simply because I love writing), but reviews really motivate me and feedback means a lot. So please, leave a review telling me if you loved it, if you hated it (please be nice about your critique), what you liked, etc. And I'm definitely taking recommendations about events in the story. I'm trying to update as fast as possible, which is why there may be grammar mistakes. I'm sorry about those. I'm hoping this chapter is not quite as angst-filled as the last, but JJ is definitely still suffering from PTSD. The flashbacks take place early in the relationship.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence. Enjoy! -Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

"After everything he's done to these women, remorse just doesn't add up for me," Emily commented.

SSAs Prentiss, Morgan, and Jareau were currently at the discovery site of the unsub's latest victim, Amanda Huntington. She had gone missing less than twelve hours earlier and she was already dead. There was no doubt, this unsub was escalating at an exponential rate.

"Something Hotch said," JJ began, "about it involving his family. Maybe that's where the remorse comes from."

The older agent shook her head, confounded. "Yeah, but why start now?" She knew neither agent was capable of answering the question. It seemed like the trail went dead. Emily opened the passenger seat for JJ to get in, before walking around to the driver's side.

"Keys, Morgan," she requested.

"Hey, why can't I drive?" he asked in his best mock-offended voice.

"Because we both know I'm in charge. Now give them up," she insisted.

"You know it's true, Derek," JJ laughed. "No use fighting it."

Morgan sighed in defeat before handing the keys over and getting in the back seat. "So, what are we supposed to do now?" he asked.

Emily put the car in drive. "Get some rest and hope we find something that can save Sarah Vaughn tomorrow."

* * *

 _"Hey. It's me. Just checking to make sure we're still on for tonight."_

 _The brunette agent laughed. "You have to call me from the other side of the bullpen to ask? You can't walk up to me?"_

 _"C'mon, Em, I'm doing my best." JJ wasn't amused._

 _"Of course we're still on for tonight. My place at seven?"_

 _"Works for me. See you then." The BAU's former media liaison hung up abruptly._

 _"Love you, J-". The dial tone cut Emily off. The two agents had started dating about four months ago when JJ had desperately confessed her undying love for the brunette on their monthly girls' night. It had happened to be the first one in several months that Garcia was unable to attend. JJ had gained the courage from some alcohol and hearing a conversation between the woman she loved and Morgan, in which Emily confessed similar feelings. They started dating immediately. It was almost awkward at first, both women having already said "I love you" before the relationship even started, but part of what made their relationship work so well was that Emily and JJ were best friends first and lovers second._

 _JJ was paranoid about the team finding out. She was a shy person, even with Emily. The older woman discovered JJ enjoyed using vague and euphemistic terms when talking about sex, and after getting over the frustration of trying to translate "maybe you could…you know" with a glance downward into common English, she found it adorable and quintessential JJ._

 _Emily stood up and walked across the bullpen to refill her cup of coffee. As she passed JJ's desk, she noticed the size of the stack of files that had been there in the morning had hardly changed. "You might want to profile a little faster if you want to be done on time to come over later," she teased as she passed._

 _JJ blushed scarlet before realizing no one was around. Emily liked to tease her about her anxiety around being open about their relationship, but she had boundaries and would never do it in front of her colleagues, even though she was pretty sure Morgan and Garcia already knew._

* * *

JJ and Emily returned to the police station the next morning to discover Reid's desperate attempt to fight off the press in front of the building.

"Agent, what can you tell us about your investigation into the Nashville Slasher?"

"Is it true a fifth body has been found?"

"Is he really making his victims drink themselves to death?"

"What are all those cuts about?

The questions were fired rapidly, giving the flustered genius no time to respond. This was a situation JJ had handled many times over the years as media liaison, and although everyone who knew her considered her a gifted profiler, JJ's true gift had always been communication. She raced ahead of her wife in order to save Spencer from the predicament he was currently in. Once she arrived in front of the hoard of press and microphones, she gently moved in front of Reid to give him a chance of escape. He walked into the station, but Emily stayed behind to watch JJ.

"First of all, this individual is not called the Nashville Slasher; he is an unidentified subject and a prolific serial killer." JJ started the speech with the usual disclaimer to the unsub's nickname. The profiler never did understand why the media enjoyed naming them so much. "We cannot confirm the identity of the woman found buried near a cemetery in West Nashville at this time. We also cannot disclose any other information about the case except to say we do have some leads, and we are hoping to solve this case soon."

"Does he have a victim right now?" asked a reporter from the back.

"We have reason to believe it's a possibility. Now, if you'll excuse me-" JJ was interrupted by a man with a microphone, and JJ noticed the channel logo on the mic was the same as the logo on the truck and cameras parked only a few yards away and she began to feel claustrophobic.

"Agent Jareau!" She heard come from the man with the cameras. JJ recognized the man from her last case, the case that left her in a constant state of panic for almost a month. "Is it true this is your first case after paid medical leave?"

Other reporters latched on to the question:

"Is it true you were Jackson Shaffer's last victim?"

"Are you suffering from PTSD? Should you be in the field?"

"Will you be testifying in the upcoming trial?"

Emily tried to keep her promise to give JJ some space, but after realizing the usually composed agent was fading fast, she came to her rescue. "Ladies and gentlemen, I am SSA Emily Prentiss. This will be the final statement issued on this case until the subject is apprehended. I assure you Agent Jareau is of sound mind and is completely prepared to be in the field. The topic of her participation in the trial of rapist and serial killer Jackson Shaffer is not pertinent to this case. SSA Jareau has informed you there is a potential victim, and time is of the essence, so please give the officers and agents here at the MNPD some space to do our jobs."

"Thanks for saving my ass, Em. You're kind of good at that."

The crowd began to dissipate and Emily took JJ's hand where no one could see. "Are you okay, Jennifer?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, I just wasn't expecting those questions. Who got all of that out to the press already? With the case? And the trial?"

Emily placed her hand on the small of her wife's back and began to lead her into the station. "Every time you speak to the press calmly, it amazes me. You haven't done it a while, but I don't think I've ever told you how impressed I am with how you've always handled those situations."

"You did pretty well with not going all Prentiss on their asses. I'm proud of you for that," JJ commented, impressed.

"Yeah, well it was hard. I just figured with everything going on, a scandal involving a federal agent hitting a reporter on camera probably wouldn't be helpful."

JJ laughed as Emily opened the door for her. "I appreciate you thinking before you acted. I've always said you needed to work on that."

As the two women walked into the precinct, they saw their team huddled around a phone. "Penelope found something," Rossi informed them.

"So, using my mad learned profiling skills," Garcia started, "it seems like Sarah Vaughn is our unsub's object of rage. He's had her twenty hours, longer than the last two victims, and she doesn't have a… _partner_ , so to speak. It makes sense. I'm right, am I right?"

"We can't know for sure, baby girl, but it makes sense. Where are you going with this?" Morgan asked.

"Well, thank you for asking, my hunk of burning love, because I think I found your unsub. Sarah Vaughn was in a car accident last week with her cousins, Maggie and Melanie. They match the victimology. The driver of the car who hit the three girls was drunk. Sarah's cousins and the other driver died immediately, but Sarah suffered minimal injuries." At this point, the six profilers and head detective were sharing looks. The information Garcia had found seemed to be the perfect trigger. "You ready for the best part? I cross referenced Sarah's name with liquor store employees and…bam! Joseph Moore, forty-seven years old, works at a wine store in West Nashville. Better than best part? He's Sarah's uncle, Maggie and Melanie's father." Garcia smiled and paused for dramatic effect, proud of her accomplishment. "Home and work address sent to your phones. Go catch a bad guy!"

* * *

 _"Can I ask you a question?" JJ asked her girlfriend hesitantly after a sip of wine._

 _"You just did," Emily laughed._

 _"Seriously, Em, this is going to be really hard for me. Don't joke around."_

 _"I'm sorry, you can ask me anything. You know that."_

 _JJ nodded. "So…um…what's it like… you know…with a man?" Emily almost spit out her drink. "Aw, shit, I shouldn't have asked that." JJ was very embarrassed and nervous to ask this question in the first place, and Emily's reaction certainly didn't help._

 _"No, really Jay, it's okay. I just wasn't expecting…why didn't you tell me?"_

 _"It never came up?" JJ tried._

 _"Don't lie to me, Jennifer," Emily responded. "You and I both know that's bullshit."_

 _"I'm very awkward, okay? You know that!" JJ was visibly uncomfortable and stood up, physically curling into herself as tight as possible. Emily followed suit and dug her fingers between JJ's crossed arms to find her hands, uncrossing them in the process._

 _"Don't be embarrassed," the poised profiler started._

 _"I know, communication is very important. So will you answer my question?"_

 _"If you're looking for a good review, you should probably ask a straight woman," Emily replied. She, unlike Miss Pennsylvania Petite, was very amused._

 _"Emily!"_

 _"Okay, um…men aren't as soft as women are, and uh, well, there's the extra body part, and sometimes they can be less considerate?" Emily was trying to be truthful without using words that would make the blonde uncomfortable. "Is that good enough?"_

 _JJ laughed. "I've never seen you this tongue-tied. I do that to you, huh?" Emily laughed as well. "I'm satisfied with that answer, babe. I appreciate the attempt."_

* * *

JJ was sitting in the locker room, changed into her tactical assault uniform, complete with a bullet-proof vest, when Emily entered. "The others are heading to the work address. Hotch wanted us to go to his house. The rest of the team will meet us there if he's not at work." Emily noticed her wife staring into space. "You okay?"

"She has a baby. Sarah Vaughn has a baby and a fiancé. What if we're too late?"

"Then we saved other potential victims. Jen, we have to be objective here."

JJ stood up. "But what if we had kids? What if you were too late to save me?"

"We weren't too late and we don't have kids. We can have this conversation later if it's still eating at you, but Jen, if you're not feeling up to this, you can stay here while we make the arrest."

JJ shook her head and spoke with confidence. "No, I want to do this."

"Okay, but there's something else you're not saying. It's been bothering you the whole case. You're acting like you think you're guilty of something. I need you to tell me what it is, so it doesn't come up in post-traumatic stress during the arrest." Emily began to lead JJ through the station and stopped walking once they got outside.

"I just… I need you to know…." JJ paused to formulate words in her mind. "Remember when I asked you what it was like to have sex with a man?" Emily nodded, still not sure where this was going, but she could tell her wife was having a hard time holding herself together. "I was just curious. I never actually…wanted to-"

The brunette agent didn't let JJ finish her statement before grabbing her by the shoulders, not roughly, but the action wasn't particularly gentle either. "We have to go, so I'm going to make this fast, and we will _without a doubt_ talk about this later. You've given this speech dozens of times, so you know what I'm going to say. You did _not_ have sex with that monster. You did _not_ cheat on me. Please tell me you understand that."

"I'm trying really hard to."

"Okay. I know it'll take time. You really don't have to come if you don't feel ready."

"No," JJ assured her. "I feel better now. I think I was really afraid…but now, I can do this. I know I can." JJ nodded her head, trying hard to convince her wife she was prepared. And she was; she had gotten a huge weight off her chest and Emily still loved her. Emily would always love her. That's all she needed to know.

 **AN: Tell me what you think please. I'm going to start school on Wednesday, so I need to know: Would you prefer longer chapters with longer gaps between updates or shorter chapters with shorter gaps between updates? Next chapter will include the arrest and heart to hearts between JJ and many of the agents, including Emily.**


	4. Chapter 4

Strength and Courage

Chapter 3

 **AN: Here is the fourth chapter. I want to thank the people who have reviewed and followed. I don't want to be one of the writers who threaten to stop writing if they don't get reviews but reviews really motivate me and feedback means a lot. So please, leave a review telling me if you loved it, if you hated it (please be nice about your critique), what you liked, etc. And I'm definitely taking recommendations about events in the story. I'm trying to update as fast as possible, which is why there may be grammar mistakes. I'm sorry about those.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence. Enjoy! –Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

 _"Where's JJ?" Morgan asked as the other six members of the team walked towards the roundtable room. "I think we have a lead."_

 _"Reid," Hotch said, "she was supposed to be with you."_

 _Emily stopped in her tracks and turned to glare at the entire team, but specifically Spencer. "Wait. You_ lost _my wife?"_

 _"Not necessarily," Spencer stammered. "Maybe she just went outside. Try calling her."_

 _Emily took out her phone and pressed speed dial 1. "Voicemail," she panicked. "What if—oh, God, what if he took her?"_

 _Penelope spoke next. "But that couldn't happen. Could it?"_

 _"It happened to Reid," Emily reminded. "Which is ironic, considering it's his fault she's gone." She gave the agent an accusing look and then took off in front of the team._

 _Spencer tried to keep up. "Emily, I'm sorry. I was reading-"_

 _"Well, did you finish reading? Because if we don't save her, I swear-"_

 _"Emily, you need to calm down," Hotch reprimanded. "Eight years ago, Strauss decided to let you both stay on this team because she believed you could be professional in the field. We all want to save JJ, but we need to keep a clear head and be objective. If we panic, it'll just take more time to solve the case."_

 _"But Hotch," Emily begged desperately, "we all know what he did to those other women."_

 _Penelope walked up to her best friend and hugged her. "We'll find her, Emily."_

 _"Let's figure this out and save our girl," Rossi declared._

* * *

"What if he's not at his job?" JJ asked.

"Well, then, he'll probably be at his house," Emily replied, making a right turn.

"With Sarah." JJ's heart went out to the sixth woman abducted by Joseph Moore. Worse was the fact that Moore was Sarah's uncle. The blonde agent was stunned when she was abducted by a stranger; she couldn't even imagine what it would be like to be abducted by her mother's own brother. Sarah had been through so much already, being the driver in the accident that killed her teen cousins. Though it wasn't technically her fault, it would be easy for someone like Joseph Moore to project his anger at himself towards an outward source.

"We'll save her, Jen. She has a family to live for. Just like you."

"It's not always about will. I mean, I almost gave up and I only held on because every time I saw him, I pictured your face, your touch, your voice telling me you love me. But at the end of day, if you hadn't found me in time, he would have strangled me with the wire he kept next to me the whole time, and I wouldn't have been able to stop it." JJ tried to wipe her tears away inconspicuously, but her wife noticed. Emily finished making a turn before grabbing JJ's hand off her lap and holding it on the middle console.

JJ's phone rang. "Yes, Penelope?"

"So, I've dug up some more dirt on this Joseph Moore creep. His trigger might have been the death of his daughters, but he has a rap sheet extending twenty years."

"What kind of offenses?" Emily asked, wanting to know exactly what kind of person she was dealing with, and what kind of situation she was about to drag her fragile wife into.

"Let's just say my creeper beeper is on overdrive. DUIs, voyeurism, peeping, and there's something sealed here."

"Are you going to unseal it?" Emily was all business. She wanted to catch the bastard and take her wife home, so they could have a long-needed and long put-off conversation.

"That's an unrequired question my friend. It's already done. It seems about a decade ago, he was accused of raping a teenage girl. The girl reported it to the police, but he was never convicted. Severely damaged his reputation though."

Emily's eyes met JJ's and the younger agent asked the question both women already knew the answers to. "Penelope, who was the girl?"

"Um…give me a sec…oh God! It's Sarah Vaughn. She was thirteen."

Emily replied, "If I were Joseph Moore, I'd believe I had plenty of reason to do whatever I wanted with that girl." Emily slammed on the gas and turned on the sirens of the FBI issued SUV. "Thanks, Penelope. Tell the others."

Emily squeezed JJ's hand and sighed. "This day just gets better and better."

* * *

 _"I think I found a relevant connection between all of the victims," Morgan started. Emily cringed at the word, knowing her wife was included. "All of the women, in addition to holding positions of power in their jobs, had quote 'untraditional' family lifestyles. Annabelle Sorrento was gay, Sasha Lewis was married to a black man, Elizabeth Wagner had an abortion, Ivana Melekov was a single mother, and JJ is…" Morgan trailed off, letting the others finish his sentence. Garcia instantly began typing furiously._

 _"So…it's…it's my fault," Emily concluded. The profiler was despondent. JJ had been gone for six hours. What could have the unsub have done to the love of her live in that time? The better question was what_ couldn't _he have done? "If we weren't together, then-"_

 _"Emily, do_ not _blame yourself." Rossi walked to the woman he saw as his daughter and in a rare moment of desperation, was firm with her. "Everyone who knows you and JJ is in awe at the relationship you two have. You have the kind of love people dream about, search for their entire lives. I searched through three wives, and many, many girlfriends."_

 _The last comment forced Emily to break a smile, but only for a fraction of a second. "My love isn't going to save her, Rossi."_

 _"I think you're underestimating yourself and your connection, Emily. Not to mention, JJ. She's strong. And she knows how to handle herself with unsubs."_

 _Spencer walked up to Emily and pulled her into a hug. "Almost one out of every ten people are in the LGBTQ+ community. This man is very ignorant and ignorance turns into hate." He pulled back and continued speaking. "I don't know how else to comfort you other than statistics. I'm so sorry, Emily. JJ is my best friend and I would never-"_

 _Emily didn't let Spencer ramble any longer. "I know, Spencer, and I'm sorry I blamed you. These are hate crimes and he targets specific victims. He would have got to her anyway."_

 _"Jackson Shaffer," Garcia declared. "He is connected by work somehow to every one of the first four victims. He has a sealed history of sex crimes. He's also a member of the Family Research Council."_

 _Reid continued for Garcia. "The FRC is known as a kind of hate group. They're militantly anti-abortion, anti-gay, anti-feminist. Basically your run of the mill idiots who don't understand actual human emotion and love." The entire team eyed Reid. "Wait, was I supposed to explain that without bias?"_

 _"Do we think it's him?" Emily asked Hotch._

 _Hotch nodded. "Garcia hasn't been wrong yet. Send us the addresses please. Rossi and I will check out the work place and notify S.W.A.T." He gestured to Emily, Spencer, and Derek. "The three of you go to the house. Do not enter without notifying me. I'll be there as soon as I can. Emily, I want you to go to JJ and please do, but don't forget to clear rooms and be mindful of your own and everyone else's safety as well."_

 _"Of course, Hotch. We're no use to Jen dead."_

* * *

"Are we almost there?" JJ asked her wife impatiently.

"About five minutes, Jen. When we get there, we stick together, okay? You stay behind me. Promise?"

"Is that the best tactical approach though?" she worried.

"JJ, if you want to enter that house, this is how we're doing it." Emily never used her wife's nickname-she was always Jen or Jennifer – unless she was really serious about something. "It's for your safety and mine. We'll be more efficient together. We always are."

Emily and JJ heard Hotch's voice in their earpieces. "He wasn't at his job. We're heading to the house. What's your ETA?"

"About four minutes, Hotch," JJ replied.

"We're ten minutes behind you. If you feel comfortable searching the house by yourselves, you have my permission. If not, turn off your sirens and take longer to get there."

JJ and Emily shared a glance and the blonde profiler gave her wife's hand a squeeze with a determined look. "We don't have time to wait. We're going in, Hotch."

 **AN: Sorry it was a lot shorter than usual, but it will probably be like this for a while if you want me to update once a week or more. Next chapter will be both JJ's rescue and the tactical assault of Moore's house. Reviews encourage me to update faster!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Strength and Courage**

 **Chapter 5**

 **AN: Here is the fifth chapter. Feel free to give me ideas and suggestions for this story. I want to make you all happy! I appreciate everyone who's followed and reviewed. I think I'll be able to update once a twice a week with chapter lengths that are shorter like the last chapter. This is longer though, so we'll see.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence. Enjoy! –Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

"Joseph Moore! FBI! Drop the weapon." Emily was the first to enter Moore's basement with JJ right on her heels. They had discovered Sarah Vaughn bleeding, but alive and conscious. Her uncle was standing above her, holding a sharp piece of glass from a wine bottle to her neck.

"It took you long enough to figure it out. Those girls were nothing compared to-"

"Joseph, we're not going to ask again." Emily leveled her gun at Moore's head and moved to stand next to her wife. "Drop the glass and step away from your niece slowly. You have five seconds." Emily was done with this creep and was ready to just shoot him and go home.

JJ, however, had a better idea. She lowered her gun and holstered it, gaining an angry and worried look from her wife, and then slowly took a step forward.

"Don't come any closer, lady! I swear, I'll slit her throat!" the man threatened.

"I just want to talk, Joseph. I just want to talk." JJ raised her hands in surrender and took another step forward. "I don't want to hurt you. Trust me, I don't. The first time I shot someone, I cried for days."

"She doesn't look like she'd be so upset about it." Moore gestured to Emily, her gun and her gaze aimed at his forehead.

JJ glanced back. "Emily's been through a lot. Three months ago, I was in your niece's position."

Moore scoffed. "Aww, poor little blondie chipped a nail in a fight?"

"Watch your mouth!" Emily warned. "The only reason I haven't sent a bullet through your brain is because my wife is standing in its way."

Moore looked from Emily to JJ, whose gaze was fixed on Sarah, and laughed. "So, the lesbians have come to save the day, huh?"

 _"Stupid lesbian."_

"JJ, just get out of the way!" Again, the blonde agent knew her wife was serious because of the use of her nickname. The rest of the team, who'd arrived moments ago, slowly walked into the basement, staying in the back, out of Moore's sight. JJ didn't notice.

" _You're a waste of good air."_

JJ just shook her head. "No," she said clearly, though she didn't know who she was saying no to exactly. She shook her head as well, to let Emily know she wasn't done yet, and to shake the words she was hearing out of her mind. "Joseph, listen to me, please. You know Sarah. She has a son, a future husband. You know the pain of losing a child. Don't let your sister go through that. Let her go."

"You don't know what she's done to me. It's her fault they're dead." At this, Joseph began to cry.

" _It's because of sickos like you that I even have to do this. It's your fault."_

Moore had not moved an inch away from Sarah and JJ knew what was going to have to happen if he didn't surrender. This time, as she spoke, she moved to the right slowly, giving Emily a clear shot. "It must have hurt being accused of such an awful crime, especially by your own niece, your daughters' best friend. And then what happened to Maggie…and Melanie. The cause of your pain got to live. You needed to teach those girls a lesson. I understand that." JJ locked eyes with Sarah. "But I also understand some of the things that Sarah's been through. And Emily understands a lot too, don't you, Em?" Emily nodded unconvincingly and let her wife continue. "You're her _uncle._ Her _family_. Sarah's forgiven you for what you've done, haven't you Sarah?"

 _"Ask the Lord for forgiveness, or suffer the consequences now."_

JJ had to hand it to the girl. She caught on quickly. "Of course, Uncle Joe. We can get through this as a family, but you have to put the glass down." The poor kid was barely holding it together and Emily knew if she was going to have to discharge her weapon, it would be soon.

JJ continued to negotiate. "You were just trying to teach her a lesson. But it got a little out of hand." Sarah nodded again.

"Forgive me, Uncle Joe. Please." Both Moore and Sarah were crying now, and the agents could tell both were afraid.

"I can't do that, Sarah. I'm so sorry."

Emily was fast; she had always been fast. The slight twitch of glass in Joseph Moore's hand was all the profiler needed to see to know it was time. It had been less than a second since Moore's last words and now he was on the floor, dead. JJ immediately ran to Sarah.

"Sarah, you're safe now. Do you understand?" The girl nodded.

"EMS is en route," Morgan notified his team.

"It wasn't my fault. The accident."

JJ nodded and gently brought the victim's head to rest on her lap. "Of course it wasn't, sweet girl. Of course it wasn't. You didn't do anything to deserve this, okay? We all know that. Nothing that happened to you was your fault." The entire team watched JJ's tender moment with Sarah. "Emily is going to call Jason and he's going to meet you at the hospital. He's so worried about you." Emily took the hint and exited the room to make the call.

As Emily left, the EMTs arrived and began to work on Sarah. "Will you stay with me please?"

"Of course, Sarah. I'm not going anywhere," JJ promised, remembering how much she needed comfort and reassurance after her initial rescue.

Both women remained silent until Sarah was loaded onto the gurney. "It wasn't my fault," the girl repeated like a mantra.

 _"This is your fault; you don't deserve to live."_

"That's right, Sarah. It wasn't your fault."

* * *

 _"Emily, S.W.A.T. isn't here yet. Hotch said to wait," Morgan reminded his friend. "The two of us can't go in blind."_

 _"Dammit, Morgan. I will go in by myself if I have to. That's my wife in there." Emily took a shaky breath before continuing. "Waiting for backup may mean the difference between life and death for her. You really want to take that chance?"_

 _A second later, two boots hit the door in front of them and it fell like nothing was holding it up. The agents quickly searched the first floor before finding a door they assumed led to a basement. Emily kicked it open loudly, wanting the bastard to know they were coming. "We need a plan for this, Emily."_

 _Emily shushed her partner. "Hold on Morgan, I think I hear something."_

 _Then, she heard it again. A weak voice calling for help. Emily immediately bounded down the stairs towards the voice. She found her wife, naked and tied to a chair, shivering and bleeding. Emily fought the urge to go to JJ; there was still danger. "Jennifer," she whispered as Derek finished descending the stairs, "you're safe now. You're going to be okay. I need you to tell me where he went."_

 _JJ weakly replied, "he ran into a room back there."_

 _Morgan approached with a blanket, keeping his eyes off of JJ's wounded form. Emily nodded gratefully and took the blanket her friend offered. "I need a medic in the basement. No one else come in unless I call for backup," he spoke into his microphone as he walked quietly into the room JJ said Shaffer was in._

 _Emily slowly walked to her wife. A steady stream of tears were pouring down her face. Emily, always the stoic one, made sure no tears escaped her eyes. She needed to be there for JJ. The brunette knelt in front of the blonde and spoke softly. "Jennifer, I'm gonna need to touch you in order to untie you. Is there something I can use to cut these cable ties?"_

 _JJ nodded and looked around. "Is that wire sharp enough?"_

 _Emily grimaced, knowing that was the same wire used to strangle the first four victims. "No, is there a knife?" Emily was pretty sure there was a knife somewhere close because of the fresh wound on her wife's arm. She tore a piece of fabric from her blouse and wrapped it around JJ's cut. When she located a pocket knife with blood on it, she wiped it off on her Kevlar vest and then cut the tie holding her wife's uninjured arm in place. "Baby, are you strong enough to put pressure on this cut? I want to untie you so I can wrap you in this blanket."_

 _JJ moved her hand to put pressure on her wound. "Emily, I'm cold."_

" _I know, sweetheart. You lost a lot of blood, but you're going to be okay." Emily brushed a strand of JJ's wet hair behind her ear, relieved when she didn't flinch, but also concerned; the agent was probably in shock. Emily resumed cutting the cable ties binding her wife to the cold, hard metal chair before hearing angry yells from the room behind them. She immediately recognized one voice as Morgan's, and although the other voice was new to her, it was obviously not new to JJ, as the blonde began to hyperventilate. "Hey. Hey!" she called softly but firmly. "I'm right here. You're safe. Eyes on me. I. Love. You. Do you understand me?"_

 _JJ shook her head no. "Emily, he…he…. I'm disgusting. I'm sick. I'm-"_

" _Jennifer, no. No. Nothing he told you was true." Now knowing the reason behind all the murders, Emily had expected JJ to doubt her worth, her life, and her wife's love. "I love you. That's never going to change. You're not disgusting. You're beautiful. And I will spend the rest of my life getting you to believe that again if I have to." She was somewhat satisfied when she managed to get her wife to nod unenthusiastically._

 _Emily was able to wrap the shivering woman in the warm blanket just in time for Morgan to come out of the back door, dragging a very angry Jackson Shaffer with him, the agent making sure he roughly hit the wall a few times. Emily stood up and walked to the pair, and stood face-to-face with the man who had so drastically changed the way she was going to live her life from then on out. "Shaffer, you will hear this again in court, but I want you to hear it now too. You lost. You thought this would make me not love her anymore, but you were wrong. I love my wife now more than ever. Our relationship is not wrong, you're wrong. And I'm genuinely sorry you've never experienced that kind of beauty in your life, but it's not an excuse to take it out on others. You're going to rot in prison, and then you are going to rot in hell, because no God that values justice at all would ever spare you. My wife will forgive you because that's the kind of person she is, but when they have you tied down to a table the way you tied up my wife, and they give you that injection to end your life, I will be there. And I will be the last face you see. And I will be smiling." She looked to her friend and nodded. "Take him away, Morgan, before I vomit on those holy shoes of his._

* * *

"I can't wait to go home and take a shower," JJ commented as six of the BAU agents made their way back into the bullpen.

Rossi walked a little faster to catch up with JJ and Emily at the front of their group. "You deserve it too, JJ, I've never seen you talk an unsub down like that. You were really on your game."

"Yeah, well, I wasn't good enough; Em had to shoot him," JJ replied sadly as her wife wrapped an arm around her.

"But you were able to stall him until backup arrived," Hotch commented. Garcia approached as they all gathered around JJ's desk. "Your performance on this case was excellent; I'll make sure Strauss knows, and no one here should be questioning your return, JJ." He gave a pointed look to Emily and she nodded.

"Okay, team! We're all going out for drinks tonight to celebrate JJ's successful return to the feeb." The team heard Garcia's voice before they all saw her.

"I'm in," Morgan chanted.

"Me too!"s chorused until the two female agents were left.

"Do you think you guys can celebrate my return without me? I'm glad we saved that girl and everything, but I'm really tired and really need that shower." JJ was apologetic, but she knew she wasn't up to partying. She was also aware her wife had noticed her flashbacks and wanted to talk about that along with her insecurities about cheating on Emily.

"Yeah, you guys go ahead and have fun. We'll join you another time. We have some things to talk about too," Emily reminded JJ.

"Em, why don't you go and have fun? We can talk tomorrow? I'll be fine," JJ insisted.

"Are you sure, Jen?" she asked in order to analyze her wife's reaction. JJ nodded and Emily knew she was telling the truth. "Okay, but I'm driving you home. Meet you guys at our place at 7?" The four agents nodded and waved JJ and Emily off.

They got into their car and Emily began to drive. "Em, you look distracted. If I didn't think I'd be okay, I wouldn't be letting you go. You need a break, honey," JJ insisted.

"Jennifer, I know, and that's why I'm going to go."

"Then, what is it?"

"I pictured Shaffer. And I know you did, too." JJ looked down as Emily pressed on the break at a stop light. "I pictured you on the floor, bleeding. When I pulled my trigger, I pictured him falling to the ground, dead."

"Emily, you know him being dead won't change what happened to me."

"I know that, Jennifer, but God, I just…I love you so much. You know that?"

JJ smiled. "Of course I do. I love you too." She reached over the center console to place her hand on her wife's thigh. "We got through my first case back. I think we're gonna be okay."

Emily gently pressed the gas with her foot, gingerly taking the hand on her lap and placing a gentle kiss on the back of it. "We still have to talk about everything."

JJ nodded. "I know. And I want to. But tomorrow. I'll take my shower and you'll get a little drunk—make sure someone sober drives you home, by the way—and by the morning, we'll be new people."

* * *

 _"Agent Jareau-"_

 _"JJ."_

 _"JJ. I want to thank you. You and your wife saved my life today."_

 _"A part of me wants to day that it's all in the job, Sarah, but the truth is, it's not. Every case affects us in some way. I had a close call a few months ago, and this was my first case back. Putting people like your uncle away—it's my passion, it is, but there are sacrifices. But today, knowing your son still has a mom, it reminds me why I joined the academy in the first place."_

 _"JJ, you said you knew what I've been through. Were you-?"_

 _"Yes." JJ rummaged through her bag and produced a card. "If you ever need anything," she said as she wrote her cell number on the back of her card, "please don't hesitate to call me. Day or night."_

 _"Thank you, JJ. Can I ask you something?" The agent nodded. "If there's anything you've learned through everything-"_

 _"You only break if you don't bend. There's a difference between being beat up and being beaten."_

 **AN: This was a hard one to write. Please let me know what you think and what you'd like to see next. Thanks for reading!**


	6. Chapter 6

Strength and Courage

Chapter 6

 **AN: Here is the 6** **th** **chapter. I'm hoping to update on Wednesdays and Sundays for the most part. Please don't hold me to that—it's just a goal, though I think it's a realistic goal. Please, please, if you're reading this and you have an opinion, please review. Reviews will keep me on track-they're magic.** **I also have a question: Do you like the flashbacks in the format I have right now? Should I change it? This chapter is a lot lighter than the previous ones… until the end. Angst is kinda my thing.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence. Enjoy! –Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

 _"Jen, I am so sorry," Emily apologized profusely as she entered JJ's apartment in D.C. "I got caught up with this preliminary profile—we might be traveling to Salt Lake City soon—and I totally lost track of time."_

 _"Hey there, calm down, what are you apologizing for?" JJ knew with their job, dating would be difficult and anything they did together would probably be impromptu._

 _"Well, our first date was supposed to be tonight and now, we've missed our reservation."_

 _"Emily, we can still have our first date. All that matters to me is that we're together. It sounds cliché, but that just means it's true." JJ laughed lightheartedly and saw her new girlfriend take her first deep breath since she walked in the door. "I'm not mad. At all. Really."_

 _Emily dropped her bag and walked to her girlfriend, taking her in her arms. "You are so good to me." The brunette pulled the blonde in for a kiss, and both women smiled into it, inevitably breaking the connection._

 _"Well, I love you, so that's easy."_

 _Emily grinned cheekily. "I love you too, sweetheart."_

 _JJ pulled back before taking Emily's hand and leading her to the couch in her living room. "Can you believe it was only a week ago that we even talked about our feelings? I mean, why did it take us so long?" Emily sat with her back to the arm of the couch and pulled JJ in to rest between her legs._

 _Emily reached down to kiss the top of JJ's head. "Well, we were both scared. We both valued our friendship so much. It was worth it to just be friends if that's all we could have. Luckily, as we now know," the older profiler lazily trailed her fingers down JJ's forearm, "that was not the case, and we get to live happily ever after."_

 _JJ laughed. "'Happily ever after'? Really, babe?"_

 _Emily wrapped her arms around the blonde from behind. "Does this not feel like a fairy tale?"_

 _JJ nodded. "No, you're right. You're my knight in shining armor," the woman agreed, linking her fingers with her girlfriend's._

" _And you're my princess."_

* * *

"Are you actually planning on getting hammered, Em?" Garcia asked, amused.

"No, of course not," Emily replied obviously. "You know I have to stay on high alert for Jennifer. I just needed her to get off my case about having fun."

"You do need to have fun, sugar," the tech analyst responded just as obviously as her friend. "You need a break. And that doesn't mean you don't love your wife; we all know you do, including her. Especially her."

"Sometimes I doubt that she understands just how much," Emily murmured, remembering their earlier conversations.

"Hey, let's not talk about that right now," the profiler's second favorite blonde suggested, "we'll talk girl stuff later, after the hunks have left."

Emily laughed. "Speaking of hunks," she began as she saw the male members of their team enter the bar, "I'm getting the hint you and Morgan are currently in the on portion of your on-again, off-again relationship."

"The quick version?" Penelope asked as the men grew closer. Emily nodded. "Derek and I love each other. But it doesn't always work out. He's my best friend. You know how it is."

Emily nodded and took a swig of the one beer she had permitted herself in case JJ called. "I do."

Hotch and Morgan arrived, already holding beers, and Reid and Rossi were right behind them. "Well, hello ladies," Morgan greeted, pecking Garcia's cheek. "Having fun without us, Prentiss?"

Emily chuckled and took another gulp of beer. "Morgan, that's the only way it's fun." She winked, and they all laughed, with the exception of Spencer, who frankly, had no idea what was so funny about Prentiss's statement.

"Um, Emily, is JJ okay?" he asked.

"She seemed fine when I left, Spencer. But I have my phone on full volume and it's right here," she lifted it off the bar table to demonstrate, "just in case."

"So, I spoke to Erin," Rossi started with a grin, "and we get an extended weekend. No work until Wednesday. B Team is on if necesary."

"Ooh, Anderson better get his act together," Morgan laughed.

"Is Buffalino back yet?" Penelope asked.

Hotch shook his head. "Longest maternity leave ever."

"That's cause Strauss is in looooove," Morgan laughed, clapping Rossi on the shoulder.

The older agent shook his head. "Watch it, son, I use my position to make your life easier; I can use my powers for evil too." Morgan abruptly stopped laughing.

Emily grinned. "Why do I spend time with you people?"

* * *

" _I can't believe I'm taking you to a bar on our first date," Emily professed. She had a beautiful date planned, from start to finish, and she had ruined it. The woman was disgusted with herself._

 _JJ laughed lightly. "C'mon Em, it's fine. Really."_

"' _It's fine?' You want me to believe 'it's fine'?!" Emily led them to a private booth and they sat down across from each other. "How many women have you been with, Jen, to not know the implicit meaning of 'it's fine'?"_

 _JJ looked down, embarrassed. Emily reached out and took her hand. "Hey. It was a joke." The blonde profiler didn't look up. "What did I say? Oh, God, I ruined it already. I ruined our ruined date!"_

 _The younger woman couldn't help but to break a smile at the last part. "It's not your fault. This is embarrassing."_

" _Hey, whatever it is, if I can fix it, I will," Emily promised._

" _You're pretty experienced, yeah?" JJ asked hesitantly._

 _Emily looked confused. "You mean, with women?" JJ nodded. "Yeah, I guess," she replied. Her girlfriend continued to look down and be silent. "Jayje, the suspense is killing me here, what's going on?"_

" _I'm not…experienced." Emily waited for JJ to continue. "I'm not a virgin, but sometimes I wish I was."_

 _Emily grabbed JJ's other hand and held them both on the table in front of them. "Did…did somebody hurt you?"_

 _Before she could respond, a waiter came to the women's table and asked for their order. When he left, JJ answered. "No, nothing like that, I was drunk. Two of the three times. The third time was fine, I guess. I didn't really want it though. I kind of shied away from relationships after that. It's been more than five years. It's why you've never seen me with a girlfriend." JJ was blushing furiously, and as she progressed, her words became softer and softer._

 _Emily didn't hesitate before reaching up to brush her fingers over a red cheek. "This isn't anything to be embarrassed about, my love. I do need to ask you, though, about the times you were drunk."_

 _JJ's gut instinct was to flinch away from the tender caressing of her cheek, not because she was afraid of Emily, but because she was afraid of her own reaction to the touch. "Emily, I know that technically, it wasn't consensual, but-"_

" _Baby, no," Emily insisted. "If you were drunk, you weren't capable of consent. These women, these men, whoever they were, they took advantage of you, sweetie, and you know that."_

 _JJ nodded. "Can we not talk about this? I barely remember those experiences." Her cheeks were still bright red._

 _Emily dropped her hand back down and ended all physical contact with the blonde. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but it's important to be able to talk about these things. You'll get there. I'll help you." She reached her left hand out one more time to tightly grip JJ's left. "I want you to know there's no rush for us. Seriously. I want to show you what a real relationship is, real romance, real connection. And when you're ready, I want to give you a new first time. A real first time. But that could be months from now, years even, I don't care. I just want you to feel safe and loved." JJ tried to interrupt. "Let me finish, sweetheart. I know these words embarrass you, and I understand why they do." Emily looked around the bar and saw it was almost empty. "Close your eyes for me."_

 _Instead of closing, JJ's eyes widened. "Trust me, baby. You're okay." JJ hesitantly followed Emily's directions, and was rewarded with a reassuring squeeze to her hand, but then Emily released it entirely. "I'm going to come sit next to you and I'm going to touch your cheek, Jennifer." Emily did as she said she would and then continued. "Tell me what you feel."_

" _I feel your hand on my face," JJ replied, unenthused by whatever weird analytical experiment her girlfriend was trying out on her._

" _Jen, please, what do you feel? Emotionally."_

" _Um…" she started._

 _Emily stroked her thumb lightly over the flushed skin below it. "Take your time."_

" _I feel safe. And loved. But also scared," she admitted._

" _I always wondered why after we talk about physical intimacy, you flinched away from my touch. I know why now and I don't like it."_

" _Emily, I was so young-"_

" _I was young when I had an abortion," Emily retorted. "That doesn't change how I feel about it." JJ nodded and opened her eyes. "I see trust in there, Jen, but there's also clear fear and hesitation. It'll take time for those two things to go away. But they will. One day, when you feel my touch, all you'll feel is love and security. Come here." Emily pulled her future wife to her and held her tightly, one hand resting on her head and the other on her lower back, rubbing circles. "I'm glad you let yourself share all that with me, and in the future, I won't force you. I just needed to get that dam open." Emily kissed her girlfriend's head and then rested her chin on it. She continued to whisper reassuring things until their food arrived. The rest of their evening was filled with light-hearted banter, good food, and an undeniable connection._

* * *

"Alright, I need the deets on what's going on with our JJ," Garcia prompted once all the men had left. "I saw her flinch when you touched her in the roundtable room. Does she do that a lot?"

"Penelope. I don't really know if I should be telling you these things." Emily took a sip of her fifth glass of water.

"She told me you could." Emily's eyes widened. "Well, what she said was she was uncomfortable talking about it, but you could share what you wanted," Garcia amended. "And honestly, I think it's important to talk to someone. Other than the bureau shrink of course."

"I don't know, Pen," Emily replied. "Sometimes she's fine. Other times, she's _so_ not fine that I forget there are times when she really _is_ fine. That's PTSD, I guess."

"So," Penelope interrogated in true Penelope fashion, "I take it you two haven't-"

"No! God, no. We barely kiss. I think part of it is she's got some serious shame from the shit that son of a bitch told her. I'll help her undo it eventually, but it's only been three months." Emily paused, considering whether or not she should add the next part. "We'll probably wait a while even when she _is_ ready."

"Why is that?" Penelope, sometimes blurring the lines of what was appropriate, felt true concern for the women she considered sisters.

"I think I'm more afraid of sex than she is." The profiler laughed humorlessly. "I just…I have this image in my mind of…touching my wife and her feeling _him_. It makes me nauseous, and until I know it won't happen…" she trailed off and sighed. "Penelope, can we take a rain check on the rest of the evening?"

The eccentric blonde nodded. "Of course. We have all weekend," she smiled kindly, not ignoring the intense conversation they had just had.

"I would stay, Pen, but it's almost," she checked her phone, "one in the morning. Jen won't fall asleep without me there, and she needs lots of rest these days, so…"

"Seriously, Em, no need to explain." Both women stood up. "You go take care of our angel." Emily smiled at the nickname and the two hugged tightly.

When Emily arrived home, the house was eerily quiet, and she instantly knew something was wrong. "Jennifer?" she called.

 **AN: World's worst cliffhanger. I won't make you wait to tell you something is wrong, but JJ hasn't been re-kidnapped or anything. I got a request for that, and I might explore the concept later on, but I feel like another encounter like the first wouldn't be survivable for the strongest of women (including JJ). Please let me know what you think!**


	7. Chapter 7

Strength and Courage

Chapter 7

 **AN: Here is the seventh chapter. I'm not getting many reviews which makes me a little sad, but I have 10 followers so that's pretty cool. Please let me know what you think! Warning—this chapter is really, really intense, and I cannot stress trigger warnings enough.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence. Enjoy! –Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

"Jennifer?" Emily called again when she didn't get a reply. The brunette profiler sensed something was wrong as she entered the house, but now, she was almost positive something was amiss. She took out her cell phone and called her wife. It didn't go to voicemail, but JJ didn't pick up. JJ always replied to Emily when she called her, always answered her phone, always texted her back. The fact that she didn't concerned Emily greatly. The agent placed her bag gently on a side table in front of her, grabbing her gun and cellphone, and then slowly and quietly made her up the staircase leading upstairs.

"Jennifer?!" she called almost desperately when she reached the top of the stairs. Again, there was no reply, and Emily began to really panic. She put her cellphone in her pocket and reached for her gun, aiming it directly in front of her as she walked.

She started with their guest room, expertly examining every corner, every crevice, every inch, searching for signs of an intruder. There was nothing suspect, so she made her way to the guest bathroom, once again finding nothing. "Jennifer?" she tried one more time. Emily felt like she was just wasting time at this point, so she walked briskly into the bedroom she shared with JJ. The room was dark and quiet, but the bathroom light was on and the shower was running.

Emily was pretty sure what was going on now, so she put her cellphone on the charger quickly and placed her gun gingerly on the bedside table on her side of the bed she shared with her wife.

She walked to the door of their bathroom and knocked three times. "Jennifer?" She knocked again. "Jen? It's me. Are you okay?"

There was a moment of silence, well not silence completely-Emily could still hear the shower and the sound of her own nervous breathing. Then, Emily heard the sound she was expecting to hear. If Emily didn't know JJ so well, she would have missed it, but for the brunette, her wife crying was an unmistakable sound—and one of the most awful to hear.

JJ still didn't speak, so Emily waited a few seconds before speaking again. "Jen? Sweetheart, I'm coming in."

The moment she opened the door, Emily was met with a sight that broke her heart into a thousand pieces.

* * *

 _"So, where's JJ?" Penelope asked. She and Morgan had come over to check on JJ and Emily about a week after the blonde's rescue._

 _"Oh, she's in the shower. She pretty much lives in there. There and our bed." Emily gratefully took the bunch of flowers Morgan had handed her and grabbed a vase from the cupboard in their kitchen._

 _"So, I take it she's not doing so great?" Morgan said._

 _"Well, it's minute-by-minute, but last I checked, she claims she's absolutely fine, but jumps at the sound of the doorbell." Emily filled the vase with water and placed the flowers in it. "Thank you, Derek. These are beautiful and Jen will really appreciate it."_

 _"Is there anything we can do for you guys?" Penelope almost begged. She desperately wanted to help her best friend, but she didn't know how. The truth was, she pretty much understood there wasn't really anything she could do._

 _Emily shook her head. "This means the world to the both of us; everything else will just take time."_

 _Penelope and Derek both nodded. "Well, we should probably get going," Morgan stated. "JJ might get scared if she sees me."_

 _Emily smiled at her best friend and partner sympathetically. "It has nothing to do with you, Morgan," she reassured. "You're one of the good guys and Jennifer knows that instinctively. She's just so easily triggered; I really hope you understand that."_

 _"I do, Prentiss. When she's ready though, tell her I'm waiting to give her a bear hug."_

 _"I will definitely do that." Emily walked her friends to the door and then went upstairs to check on JJ._

 _The bathroom door was closed, but the water wasn't running anymore. "Jen? You okay?" There was no response, so Emily knocked on the door lightly. "Jennifer, honey, are you okay?" Again, no reply. Emily began to seriously worry. JJ had been having panic attacks every day, so to fear the panic attack of the day was happening was not illogical. "I'm opening the door, baby."_

 _JJ was sitting in the corner of the bathroom, unclothed, and furiously scrubbing her arm with a loofah. Emily at first assumed she was cleaning the slit in her right arm, but then she noticed the red line on the arm doing the cleaning. "Jen? What are you doing?" she asked softly._

 _JJ cringed, but didn't look up from her task, rubbing the loofah on her wrist even faster than before. Emily cautiously approached her wife and kneeled down in front of her. What she noticed was heartbreaking. JJ was scrubbing at the cable-tie caused bruise running the circumference of her left wrist and her skin was angrily red. "Jennifer," Emily spoke with intense emotion. She reached her hand out and placed in on top of JJ's, effectively stilling it. "Tell me what's going on."_

 _"I have to get clean," she replied simply, attempting to pry her wife's hand off of hers. She fought Emily's touch with everything she had, although she knew the older woman was much stronger than her. Emily wasn't holding JJ's hand still with all her strength, but she did need to put some effort into it. "I have to get clean."_

 _"Jennifer," she spoke again. "I need you to look at me. Please stop fighting. I'm not going to hurt you on purpose, but you've been hurt and flailing around like this might cause you more pain." Emily tried hard to keep her voice steady and gentle. She reached her free hand to JJ's chin and lifted it until their eyes met. "Look at me. I'm not going to hurt you. You're safe, baby. Please try to relax."_

 _Emily could tell JJ was trying to calm down, and after a few minutes, her breathing was completely back to normal. "Jennifer." The brunette paused, not even knowing how to respond to what had just happened. "You can't wash off ligature marks. The bruises, the cuts, they'll go away, baby, they will."_

 _A single tear trailed the length of JJ's face. "I want them to go away now."_

 _"I know you do, sweetheart, I want them to go away too." Emily took the opportunity to move her hand off of JJ's, taking the loofah and placing it to the side. She gingerly held her wife's left wrist in both of her hands, using her thumbs to caress the skin. "But you can't do this to yourself. Your skin is raw, you could make yourself bleed and then you could get an infection. You have to be gentle with yourself." Emily reached behind her to grab a large towel and wrapped it around her wife before placing a kiss to her head._

 _"I'm sorry, Emily." JJ's voice was devoid of emotion, but Emily knew it was a façade. The words JJ spoke made it obvious._

 _Emily stood up and reached her hand out for her wife to take so she could help JJ stand. "Never apologize for what you feel."_

* * *

"Jennifer." Emily spoke the name the way she had for the last three months. She couldn't help the pity in her voice. She found her wife in the same position she had the time JJ tried to wash away her bruises, except this time, JJ was in the running shower, and she was scrubbing at her inner thighs while tears were cascading down her cheeks. JJ looked up calmly, before placing the loofah down next to her and curling up into a ball.

Emily walked to the shower door and opened it, walking in fully-clothed before shutting the water off. "Come on, Jen," she said grabbing both her hands and pulling her up. "We need to get you out of here before you get pneumonia."

The brunette wrapped an arm around the blonde, steadying her, sighing with relief when the woman curled into her instead of flinching away when they stepped out of the shower. Emily couldn't help but remind herself that this was the first time she had touched her wife unclothed in three months, and JJ wasn't afraid of her at all. Emily knew that before her abduction, skin to skin contact was always really comforting for her wife, so she pulled off her own shirt before bringing JJ against her. The younger woman's tears quickened and she held on to Emily for dear life. After about a minute, Emily pulled back some to lead her wife into their bedroom and she sat them down on the bed the two shared.

"Jennifer…"

"I'm sorry, Em."

"Remember what I told you the first time I found you like that?"

JJ nodded. "Never apologize for what I feel."

Emily smiled. "Good. I'm glad you remembered that." She stood up to find some clothes for her shivering wife.

"Where are you going?" JJ asked, panicked. "Please don't leave me."

"I'm not going anywhere, my love." She knelt down in front of her wife once more. "I'm just trying to find you something comfortable, baby. Okay?" Emily waited until she got a response in the form of a nod before standing up again and grabbing loose fitting underwear and a nightgown. "Can I help you put this on?" she asked.

"If you don't mind looking at me," JJ replied, looking down.

Emily reached her hand out to help her wife stand up again as she replied. "I could never get tired of looking at you." She placed her hand on JJ's upper arm and then moved it around to her bare back. "Or touching you." She used the hand on JJ's back as leverage to pull her wife to her before pressing her lips to JJ's in a soft, loving kiss. "Or kissing you." Emily reached her other hand around to cup JJ's head and pulled her in for a hug. "Or holding you." Emily took a deep breath, inhaling JJ's unique scent. "You're so beautiful, and you're not dirty, baby, you're not."

JJ nodded into Emily's shoulder. "I love you, Emily."

"I love you too, Jennifer. Always. No matter what." Emily continued to hold JJ for several minutes and when she released her, she helped her dress before putting on pajamas herself. Emily then brushed out JJ's tangled wet hair, and both sat in silence for a while. "How long were you in the shower, love?"

"Since you left," JJ replied, confused at Emily's shocked facial expression.

"Baby, I was gone for six hours," Emily explained, sitting on her side of the bed.

JJ followed her wife's lead. "It didn't feel that long. I lost track of time."

Emily noticed bright red skin on her wife's wrists. "I see you've been washing your bruises again."

"I wasn't strong enough to get free. I couldn't…" JJ didn't have words to express what she was feeling. Emily got into the bed and lied down, motioning for JJ to do the same. She then gestured for her wife to surrender her wrists to her, and Emily began to soothe the raw skin with her thumbs, remaining silent. "Emily, I wanted so badly for him to stop. I screamed, I begged."

"Of course you did, baby. Why are you ashamed?"

JJ just shook her head. "I should have been able to stop it. I should have been able to stop those other times."

Emily cradled her wife's face in her hands. "Are you talking about the times before we were together?"

JJ nodded. "I let them all take advantage of me. The girls when I was drunk, the girl who I pretended to want to be with, and him. Shaffer. I didn't fight hard enough. I've never been able to fight for myself."

"Jen-" Emily tried to interject, but she was interrupted by JJ.

"Please let me finish. I felt so low… _begging_ for a basic human right. He was trying to fix me, to show me what real sex was, and Emily, I know what real sex is, what real love is. He doesn't." Emily nodded and brushed her thumbs over JJ's cheeks. "You never made me beg. The first time we tried to have sex, the word _stop_ was barely out of my mouth before you were five feet away from me. And he…he laughed every time I screamed. He thought my pain…my _agony_ was funny. Yet, I hear his words, his homophobic slurs every time I even think about kissing you. I listen to him, my attacker, my rapist, and I'mafraid of _you._ How does that make any sense? I know I shouldn't be sorry for what I feel, but it's illogical. You're _incapable_ of hurting me."

"Jen, you're a lover, not a fighter, it's true. But that's what makes you strong. Does it disappoint me that you felt like you couldn't say no to a woman? Yes. I know how much pain it's caused you. And I would kill all three of them if I thought I wouldn't be caught." Emily reached her arm around JJ and rubbed her back as she spoke. "There's a reason I've never made you beg…for anything. It's not empowering, and hearing you beg would break my heart. You heard me tell Shaffer this—I love you more than I ever have, and I'm not going anywhere. Remember our first date? When I told you I was going to give you a new first time?"

JJ nodded and smiled. "You kept your promise, you always have."

"Well, I'm going to give you a new first time…again. Same rules apply."

"I just feel like I'm at the place I was at the beginning of our relationship and I'm going to have to get back to where I was. It took years, Em."

"I proved to you that you shouldn't be afraid of me before, and I'll do it again. You'll get there. As for the shame you feel, all I can say is you are probably the purest person I've ever met. And there is nothing, absolutely nothing, disgusting or unclean about you."

JJ nodded. "It's just hard to get those words out of my head," she explained.

Emily nodded in reply, linking their fingers together and using the hand she had on her wife's back to pull her closer. "I understand. Just try to keep the words I've told you tonight in your head, too. Let them fight if you need to. I'll win and you know it." Both women smiled. "Please try not to question my love for you. It's so completely unconditional. I honestly can't think of anything you could possibly do to make me want to leave you." JJ opened her mouth to speak and Emily interrupted her. "And that's not an invitation to brainstorm, my love."

"I'm not, I just wanted to say thank you."

"You know you're more than welcome to any comfort you may need. Do you think you'll be able to sleep tonight? We've had a long day."

JJ nodded. "Our day hasn't been as long as Sarah Vaughn's though."

"Jen, you'll never be able to sleep again if you don't stop ruminating over Sarah. Try to release it for tonight, we have a lot more to talk about tomorrow."

"You mean later."

Emily laughed. "I'll make you sleep until tomorrow if you're not asleep in the next thirty minutes."

JJ fell asleep in Emily's arms instantaneously.

 **AN: Phew! That was intense. Please tell me what you think and what you want to see happen.**


	8. Chapter 8

Strength and Courage

Chapter 8

 **AN: Here is the eighth chapter. I'm updating a day early because I had some extra time tonight. Next update will be Saturday or Sunday. I got lots of awesome reviews with the last chapter and it would make me so happy if you all would continue that trend. Please let me know what you want to see of JJ and Emily's life together—the present or the past. Thanks!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence. Enjoy! –Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

 _Emily Prentiss had returned to work about six weeks after her wife's abduction. She was mainly on desk duty because she'd rather be fired than spend a night away from JJ, and she didn't have to tell Hotch or Strauss twice for them to take her seriously. The Unit and Section Chiefs had easily decided to keep Emily out of the field until JJ could return to her job._

 _"Prentiss, what are you still doing here?" asked Morgan one afternoon as he strolled by his partner's desk._

 _Emily was diligently working on preliminary profiles, averaging a total of six an hour. She had completed almost fifty that day. "I'm just trying to do my part since I can't travel with you guys," she replied absently, not looking up from the file in front of her._

 _"You should get home soon, Emily," he suggested, his protective side coming out._

 _"I'll be leaving soon; I just need to finish this."_

 _Morgan nodded and strode towards his desk, which was only a short distance from Emily's. He worked on a profile until Emily's end of a phone conversation garnered his attention._

 _"Wait. Jen, slow down." Pause. "Hold on. Where are you?" Pause. "Baby, why are you driving?" Pause. "Jennifer, I need you to pull over." Pause. "Sweetheart, I'll be there as soon as I can. Just remember to breathe." Pause. "I love you, Jen. Hold on for me."_

 _"What's going on, Prentiss?" Morgan asked, worried._

 _"Jennifer." Emily started gathering her things quickly. "Will you give me a ride? I'll explain on the way."_

 _Morgan nodded in reply and followed Emily's sprint out of the BAU building._

* * *

Emily woke up in an empty bed at about seven in the morning. She had an idea of why, so she slowly made her way downstairs in search of her wife. She found what she was expecting: JJ was standing in their kitchen with a cup of tea, looking out their large window. "Jen," she spoke softly.

JJ turned around slowly, not at all alarmed by her wife's presence. She'd been expecting it. "Hey, Em," she replied nonchalantly. She placed her mug on the kitchen table before walking to the brunette agent and kissing her soundly.

"Well, good morning," Emily greeted with a laugh while releasing herself from JJ's arms.

JJ picked up her mug again. "It is a good morning. It's really nice outside."

"How long have you been up?" Emily asked, making herself a cup of coffee.

"Since about five." JJ ignored her wife's disappointed expression. "I took a drive around the neighborhood and I feel refreshed."

"So, the profiler-wife in me has picked up several things in that sentence," Emily stated as she took a seat at the kitchen table, warming her hands on the coffee mug in front of her.

"Number one is you only got three hours of sleep, and that's not okay."

"Emily, I'm a big girl. I can manage my own bedtime," JJ insisted, sitting down in another chair at the table.

Emily shook her head, strongly disagreeing with her wife. "If you got enough sleep, I would be fine with you managing your bedtime, but you and I both know you're more likely to flash back when you're sleep-deprived."

"But-"

"I'm not trying to be a control freak. I just… I want you to heal—and sometimes I feel like I want that more than you do," Emily chided.

JJ nodded. "I know I don't take good enough care of myself," she conceded. "I'm just stubborn. I want to automatically be okay, and not have to work for it."

"I would be the same way in your situation, Jen," Emily acknowledged. "I don't blame you. Not at all."

"And I get why sometimes you're a little controlling." Emily gave her wife a look and JJ amended her statement. "Very protective. You can't stand to see me in pain; I get that. And I want to heal—I want to be as close to who I was before as possible, no matter how long it takes. Sometimes I can logically understand it, but when I'm having a bad day, I just can't see past the trauma."

Emily reached out and took one of JJ's hands in hers. "Which is why this is a 'one day at a time' process. You'll get better, Jen. You will, but you won't progress at all until you work at it. It's not fair, not at all, but it's the way it is. I have a hard time accepting it too."

JJ took a sip of her tea. "I'm sure you're wondering what woke me up in the dark."

Emily sat back in her chair. "I know you hate driving. You never do it unless you have to—or you have something to work out in your head. So, considering what happened last night—earlier today, I mean—I'm guessing you had a nightmare."

* * *

 _JJ sat in her car, pulled over less than a mile from her house. It had been nine minutes and twenty-three seconds since she had heard Emily's voice on the other end of her phone. Counting was the only thing keeping her from completely losing reality. She felt the pull, she felt the cold metal of the chair, and she felt_ him.

"I'm going to teach you a lesson."

 _JJ gripped the steering wheel with all the strength she had; her knuckles were turning white. Nine minutes and thirty-seven seconds._

"What you have is not _love._ "

 _Although the car was in park and her hazard lights were flashing, JJ's right foot placed an immeasurable amount of pressure on the brake pedal. Nine minutes and fifty-five seconds._

"You are disgusting!"

 _Ten minutes and eleven seconds._

"She will never be able to look at you again, you disgusting whore!"

 _Ten minutes and forty-five seconds._

"She won't ever want to touch you. You're dirty and tainted."

 _The latest chain of words would not cease. Eleven minutes and fifty seconds. They repeated over and over. The words telling her she was useless had become almost a mantra to JJ over the last six weeks._

 _Thirteen minutes._

 _Fourteen minutes._

 _She was not lovable. Not savable. Not likable. Not lovable. Not lovable. Not lovable._

 _Fifteen minutes._

 _Sixteen minutes._

" _Jen."_

 _Sixteen minutes and twenty seconds._

" _Jennifer."_

 _Sixteen minutes and fifty seconds._

" _Jen, baby, please."_

 _Forever._

 _The sound of her horn blaring woke her up. It took her more time than usual to take in her surroundings. "Emily," she muttered, relieved._

 _Emily sighed, relieved also. "Jennifer, I need you to get out of your car and come to the other side."_

 _JJ obediently followed directions and when they were within arm's reach of each other, Emily hesitated. JJ wasn't willing to wait any longer; she launched herself into the brunette's arms, wincing at the pressure on her sore ribs, but she ignored the pain. "It took you forever to get here."_

* * *

"You're right. I did have a nightmare." JJ looked down.

"Do you want to elaborate?" Emily asked, taking both empty mugs and walking them to the sink.

JJ followed. "Do I have to?"

"Of course not, my love. I'd never force you to do anything you didn't want to do." Emily stepped forward, taking both of JJ's hands in hers.

JJ flinched, and Emily assumed it was at her touch. But really, the blonde flinched because of Emily's words-because, for the first time in their relationship, JJ had evidence that her wife's promise was possibly not true.

"Emily, the nightmare was about you."

 **AN: This was a short chapter. There will be a regular length one this weekend (both the current and flashback portions will pick up where they left off). Please review!**


	9. Chapter 9

Strength and Courage

Chapter 9

 **AN: Here is the ninth chapter. I previously said that I'd be updating on Wednesdays and Sundays, but I'm changing that to just twice a week. If I anticipate that an update is going to take more than a week, I'll try to let you guys know. Obviously, the more reviews I get, the more I will be inspired to write. Please continue leaving opinions and requests. I have read them all and I'll try to incorporate them into the story at some point.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

 _Emily and JJ entered their house in silence after the driving fiasco. In fact, once Emily had managed to get her in Morgan's car, JJ went quiet. Morgan offered to drive JJ's car to their house, and Emily thanked him wholeheartedly._

 _"JJ-"_

 _"Emily-"_

 _The two spoke at the same time, simultaneously interrupting each other. Neither spoke for a minute or so. Emily broke the silence. "Jennifer, you could have been seriously hurt."_

 _"I know, Emily, I just-"_

 _"You just what?" Emily's relief had faded and she had settled firmly into anger. "What was so important that you would risk your_ life _for it? You couldn't find another way to manage your stress? God, Jennifer, I was so scared. I thought I lost you once and it was the worst pain I've ever felt." JJ stood there speechless as Emily ranted. "Why would you do it to me on purpose?"_

 _JJ looked down in shame. "I didn't mean to…" The words were barely audible. The simple strain of speaking at all caused a vibration of pain to spread through her broken ribs._

 _"Well, Jen, the way you've been acting the past week—it sure seems like you have a death wish."_

 _Emily and JJ very rarely fought. They had petty arguments, of course, but actual yelling was almost unheard of in the Prentiss house. Emily had sworn to take care of JJ in the wake of her abduction, but she couldn't control the outburst. Her stress level had understandably been through the roof over the past week, and she was finally breaking._

" _You know what? Why don't you just go take a nap? I'm gonna go for a drive because it's actually safe for me to do so. So don't be afraid I'm gonna have a flashback and get in a fatal accident or anything."_

 _Emily walked to the front door and opened it with force. She turned to see her wife standing silently, tears rushing down her face. She ignored the surge in her heart and left the house, leaving JJ with her thoughts._

* * *

"The nightmare was about me? What do you mean?" Emily guided JJ to their couch.

"I don't even remember." JJ tried to play off the dream, regretting admitting it to her wife in the first place.

"Please don't lie to me. I just want to help you." JJ didn't speak, so Emily tried asking another question. "Did you dream about me dying again?" JJ just shook her head.

"Jennifer, you don't have to tell me, but if you don't, I have no way of helping you."

"Emily, I don't want to tell you…."

"Well, then don't." Emily desperately wanted to help JJ, but she knew the only way the blonde would heal efficiently was if she shared things she was feeling at her own pace, without any pressure.

"I have to tell you though. It wouldn't be fair of me not to since it was about you." As much as JJ didn't want to share her most recent nightmare with Emily, she knew she had to or she would never move past it, never trust her wife again.

Emily nodded. "You really don't have to though. I told you I would never force you to do anything you weren't ready to do." This time, Emily noticed JJ's flinch.

"Wait. You flinched when I said that last time." Emily was rolling through the morning in her head. The nightmare had obviously disturbed JJ enough for her to wake up, get up (without telling Emily, which she had never done before), and go for a drive. She had only recently begun regularly driving again, and she never liked it before, so JJ would never be driving at five in the morning unless she really felt like she had to.

Emily's patience only added to JJ's shame. There was no logical reason why she should fear the things she feared. The fact that she had the nightmare in the first place was enough to shake her. She knew she felt some insecurities regarding Emily, she always had, and after her torture, they were more extreme. But she never thought there was a part of her that feared for her physical safety in Emily's hands. In fact, in her waking hours, JJ had witnessed nothing but gentleness from the brunette, especially over the past few months.

JJ decided not to speak and to let Emily figure it out on her own. She was putting the pieces together already and JJ knew she would have the puzzle finished within a few seconds.

"I…." Emily was dumbfounded. She had no words. She made several attempts to speak.

"JJ…"

"Jennifer…"

"Baby, I…"

"You…"

"Jen, I don't…."

She eventually gave up trying and the two sat in an egregiously awkward silence.

The time went by slower than the time JJ had to wait for more than fifteen minutes for Emily to rescue her—the last time a car ride had ended in disaster.

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

...

It was actually only three minutes of quiet, but it felt like years to both women. Neither knew what to say. Emily knew she had to be the one to start, or the torture of uncertainty would never end. "You…you dreamed that I…?"

Emily couldn't finish the sentence. JJ just nodded sadly.

* * *

 _JJ didn't know how long she had been home alone. It could have been days; she hadn't looked at a clock or a watch. In fact, she hadn't taken her eyes off of the front door, the one her wife had angrily exited from an unknown time ago._

 _This was it. JJ was too much to handle and Emily wasn't coming back. She'd come back tonight and sneakily pack some essential things while JJ slept. Emily would know when her once love would be asleep, and she would get in and out without the blonde noticing. JJ would never hear from her again._

 _There was no point in moving. No reason to. There was no reason to do anything except stand there waiting. Waiting for what? Emily? Not possible, the profiler wasn't returning. So the conclusion JJ came to was that she was in fact waiting for nothing. But what did nothing look like? Because JJ was definitely feeling something: grief, loss, heartbreak—none of those words seemed to describe the emotion._

 _But maybe nothing was really something? Or was something nothing?_

 _The key of the door turned and JJ didn't even notice. She noticed nothing._

 _In fact, the next thing she registered was being wrapped in someone's arms. Someone's loving arms. Emily's arms. She was in her bed and she felt peaceful, but confused. "Emily?"_

 _Emily lifted her chin from JJ's head. "Hey." There was not even a trace of animosity in her voice, causing the already confused profiler's head to spin._

" _Are you real?"_

 _Emily laughed. It was a beautiful laugh, one that JJ would never tire of hearing. "Of course I'm real. You fainted and I carried you upstairs. I'm so sorry, Jen. I had t_ _o leave because I need to be here for you." Emily shook her head. "That doesn't make sense. What I meant to say was in order to be able to care for you, I just needed to clear my head. I'm sorry I scared you."_

 _JJ moved herself closer to her wife. "I'm sorry I scared you too. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you went through when you realized I was missing, and I need to be more careful with your heart."_

" _So do I," Emily confessed. "I should have made sure you knew I was coming back, Jen. I shouldn't have assumed you knew what I was doing. We both need to figure out what our future is going to look like, but there's no doubt in my mind that we have one, sweetheart. When I married you, I married_ everything _about you: then, now, and the future."_

 _JJ pulled herself out of her wife's arms and sat up. "You asked what was so stressful that I needed to drive?" Emily nodded. "I should have called you instead. I shouldn't have gotten in the car, but I needed to think. I needed to figure it out. I don't know what to do. I don't know how-"_

 _Emily interrupted her. "Jen. Baby, you're rambling. Slow down."_

" _Right. Um…my mom called."_

" _Well, I'm actually surprised she waited this long to check in on you."_

 _JJ had a feeling she was going to feel the wrath of Prentiss for the statement about to come out of her mouth. "She doesn't know."_

 _Emily's mouth fell open. "What?"_

 _"I managed to hold her off with texts. The news coverage so far has only been in Virginia and D.C, and since she lives in East Allegheny, she hasn't seen anything. I just don't know how to tell her. Please don't be mad."_

 _"I'm not mad, Jennifer. We'll figure it out. You should have just called me instead of putting yourself in danger." Emily was disappointed JJ hadn't told her mother about what had happened, but she understood why she hadn't. Like Emily, Annie Jareau was somewhat smothering when concerned, and she knew JJ couldn't handle two body guards at this point in her recovery._

 _"Do you need to go back to work?" JJ asked._

 _Emily shook her head. "I can stay here as long as you need me."_

 _JJ smiled. "Well, we're gonna have to tell Hotch you're quitting the BAU."_

* * *

"I don't even know what to say." JJ opened her mouth to speak. "No, wait. I need to say something first. You can share as little or as much of what happened as you want, okay? I'll say it again. Contrary to what your subconscious seems to believe, I would _never_ force you to do anything. Under any circumstances." Emily moved closer to the blonde on the couch but made no move to touch her at all. "I need you to understand that. I love you. Just…tell me what I can do to get you to trust me again.

"I really don't know. That's what's so awful about this. I don't know how to fix it."

"I have an idea," Emily supplied. "I need you to be open-minded about this. Maybe we should call your mom."

"What? No! She hasn't seen me since before; I can't deal with that," JJ argued nervously.

"If you really don't want her to come, I won't push the issue, but please hear me out first." JJ nodded and motioned for Emily to continue. "She's been begging to see you. She's your mother, Jen, she just wants to help. And let's face it: at a certain point, there isn't much I can do for you, as much as it breaks my heart to admit. I think it'll be good for you, honey. Sometimes a girl just needs her mom."

JJ nodded. "You're right. It's something we haven't tried. I'm willing to entertain the idea, but I don't want her to know everything that happened. We'll just tell her the broad strokes."

"Baby, I won't lie to your mother. She deserves to know." Emily didn't want JJ or herself to have to verbally recount what had happened to JJ in that basement any more than JJ did, especially because the Shaffer trial was coming up, but in order to effectively be a trusted person in JJ's recovery, Annie needed to know why her daughter didn't trust Emily.

JJ sighed. "Honestly, I'd do anything to get that nightmare out of my head. God, it wasn't even real."

Emily hesitantly pulled JJ into her arms, noticing her tense before relaxing. "Just remember, my love. _This_ is real."

 **AN: What do you think? I felt like Emily has been the perfect wife and I needed her to be human for just a bit, to have a bit of a breakdown. Let me know what you want to see. Do you want to know more about JJ's nightmare? Remember, the more reviews I get, the faster I'll update (not because I'm self-absorbed-reviews just inspire me to write). I hope you enjoyed this chapter. The next one will probably be posted the beginning/middle of next week.**


	10. Chapter 10

Strength and Courage

Chapter 10

 **AN: Here is chapter 10. It took me almost a week to update! So sorry about that. I almost didn't update today, but I figured a short chapter is better than no chapter. I hope I'll be able to update again this weekend, probably late Sunday evening. And oh my goodness! I reached 30 reviews and 30 followers last chapter, and now I'm on chapter 10! Please keep leaving me awesome reviews; for those of you who write, you get how awesome it is to read a really great review. Always feel free to suggest things also. Thanks so much!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

 _"Agent Jareau, I would really recommend you allow Dr. Chung to write you this prescription."_

 _A female nurse had finally made it into JJ's hospital room and had noticed in her chart that she had refused to take narcotics. JJ, for her part, had become fully coherent the moment Dr. Chung suggested she take the drugs. She knew she wouldn't be able to fight Emily about taking them, so she wanted to make her point before her wife and doctor re-entered the room._

 _"If it makes you happy to write the prescription, go ahead, but I won't pick it up and I won't take the pills."_

 _"Agent Jareau, do you have a history of addiction in your family?" The nurse was trying to be kind, but was losing patience with the stubborn agent._

 _JJ knew the nurse meant biological family, but Spence was her brother just the same. "Yes, actually, so will you please let this go?" The blonde raised her voice, and the power it took to speak the words caused her ribs to vibrate and she winced. The nurse noticed and raised an eyebrow._

 _"Alright, Agent Jareau," she conceded skeptically. She closed the patient's chart. "Dr. Chung will be back momentarily and she'll handle your discharge papers."_

 _The nurse left in a hurry and JJ shook her head in disappointment. Why was she suddenly unable to make her own medical decisions? Sure, she was in pain, and probably wouldn't sleep for a few days, but she was_ fine _! She'd take some Advil and maybe some Benadryl to knock herself out when she got desperate enough, and within a few days, it would be like none of this ever happened._

 _JJ was reminded that this would not be the case as she stood up and felt a throb between her legs. "Just ignore it," she whispered to herself with a grimace. "Emily can't know." She didn't even know exactly what she was trying to keep from her wife. She had undoubtedly been told the results of the rape kit, but JJ refused to acknowledge its significance, to give Shaffer any more power than what he took from her already._

 _The blonde agent made her way to a chair on a wall of the ER room, the chair containing the clothes she was wearing at the time of her abduction. Fortunately for the button-down and slacks, the one time JJ's attacker had been gentle was when he was removing her clothes. She didn't know why, but she did know she would burn the clothes as soon as she got the chance. Both her and Shaffer's DNA was all over the pieces of clothing. JJ was surprised none of her blood got on them._

 _In fact, she decided not to wait to burn them. She reached for a pair of scissors before realizing there was probably not a pair of scissors in the room. Her thought process was jumbled and hurried, but she was lucid enough that she could make a simple plan. JJ placed each piece of wrinkled fabric onto to tile floor. She reached into Emily's bag and found a lighter. She lit each item of clothing on fire, including her bra and underwear._

 _She watched the clothing burn with a sense of satisfaction, pride. She was literally separating the chemicals making up her DNA from the chemicals making up Shaffer's, which made the whole process even more fulfilling. Not that the symbolism wasn't enough already, but JJ enjoyed the fact that the same science that forced them together was now forcing them apart, and she had full power over it._

 _She took the bottle of water on the bedside table and put out the fire. "That's enough for now," she declared out loud before roughly throwing the clothes into the trash can._

 _JJ heard her wife's voice outside the door and rushed back to her bed. In her haste, she forgot to sit down carefully, which she noticed when a searing pain shot up her body. She made no sound, knowing Emily, right outside the room, would hear it._

 _The brunette agent walked in and hesitantly stepped towards the bed. "Hey. What's this about not wanting to take medicine?"_

 _JJ made eye contact with Dr. Chung, communicating betrayal. Did the woman go on the roof and shout "Jennifer Jareau won't take Vicodin!" through a megaphone?_

 _"I never said anything about not talking medicine, Em. I'll take the emergency contraception and the antibiotics, but no narcotics." If this conversation had occurred a mere ten minutes ago, JJ would have begged Emily to let her abstain from taking the pills, but she would have probably eventually given in. But now, after her empowering moment with the clothes, she was prepared to be forceful, to fight. There was no question in her sentence. She wasn't taking narcotics._

 _"Okay," Emily replied softly._

 _JJ thought she heard her wrong. "'Okay'"?_

 _Emily nodded. "On one condition."_

 _JJ gestured for her to continue._

 _"You get two days. If at the end of those two days, I notice you're not sleeping or eating, or you're in a lot of pain – and don't try to hide that from me; I'm not stupid, love – you have to take something stronger than Advil. I don't know what yet—we'll cross that bridge when we get there," Emily negotiated._

 _JJ nodded and Dr. Chung did too. "That's sounds like a good plan to me, Agent Prentiss." She turned to her patient. "JJ, I've signed your discharge papers and so has Emily. I've sent your other prescriptions to your pharmacy. You can go ahead and put your own clothes on."_

 _Emily turned to gather the items Dr. Chung was referring to. "JJ, baby, where are your clothes?"_

 _JJ smiled, satisfied. "I burned them."_

* * *

"JJ!" Emily called from upstairs. After they had finished their conversation, JJ had suggested Emily go back to bed. Under any ordinary circumstances, the brunette would have refused, but she accepted the offer this time because she honestly didn't know what else to do. She hadn't felt this conflicted since she had found her wife pulled over on the side of the road the first time she attempted to drive after her abduction. JJ decided to take a nap on the couch as well.

JJ walked to the stairs and Emily was waiting at the top. "Yeah?" she asked.

Emily began to descend the stairs. "What time is it?" the woman questioned.

"A little after twelve," she replied. "Why?"

"Well, I was thinking," Emily started as the two began to walk into the living room together, the older woman keeping a certain distance away from JJ, "if we call your mom now, she'll probably be able to get here today."

"Well, why is it an emergency?" JJ asked, yawning and cracking her back.

"I'm worried you won't be able to sleep is all," Emily responded. "I know we're not parents, but I just figure she'd be worried about similar things I am. It's what moms do. I think Annie would be able to help you. You spend so much time with me; I think you need a new face in your life."

JJ was concerned. "Well, where are you going?"

"I'm not going anywhere. I promise. I just want to give you a little space to think through everything without me quite literally on top of you. I want you to feel comfortable sleeping in the bed with me again as soon as possible. But until then, I am not letting you sleep on the couch, so you get the bed."

JJ shook her head. "That's not fair for you though," she disagreed.

"None of this is fair…for either of us." JJ's gaze hit the floor; she really couldn't believe this was happening. She swore she would never ever allow herself to distrust Emily. There was no reason for her to feel the way she did. It was a dream! An awful, stupid dream.

Emily was also in shock. She'd too had made a promise to herself. She promised herself, and JJ, that she would never give her a reason not to trust her. And in all honesty, she hadn't. Emily had always been an extremely patient lover, and whenever JJ had given her a sign that what was happening made her uncomfortable—which at first was often, but as the years progressed, the instances become rarer and rarer, and in the recent years, had ceased completely—Emily had immediately given JJ what she needed. She had never forced, or pressured, on even encouraged her wife to do anything she felt she wasn't ready for.

And now JJ had all but told her that she dreamed both of their worst fear—for JJ, it was the fear of being forced to have sex with someone (and the fact that it was Emily made it even more unbearable), and for Emily, it was knowing that there was a part of her wife, and she didn't know how strong the voice might be, that truly, honestly feared for her safety, her dignity. Emily could see it now. Even being about a meter apart was enough to put her wife on edge.

Neither women spoke for a while, both lost in their own thoughts. Finally, JJ spoke. "Emily, will you pass me my phone please?"

* * *

 _JJ was sitting on the couch in their living room. She had no idea that she could feel so out of place in her own home._

 _Emily came to sit next to her wife. "I can tell you have a lot going on in there," she observed, pointing at JJ's head. "You can talk to me if you want."_

 _JJ sighed and looked up. "Emily, what if I'm pregnant?"_

 _Emily did a double take. "What do you mean, love? You took the morning after pill."_

 _"But…I mean…those things aren't one-hundred percent effective. There's a chance…"_

 _"A very small chance, Jen. A very,_ very, _small chance, baby. Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it." Emily reached out slowly to take her wife's hand and JJ squeezed back gratefully._

 _"But what if...?" she paused. "You wouldn't leave me?"_

 _Emily actually let out a laugh at the question. "I'll put it this way. I wouldn't leave you if you walked out of our house right now and_ murdered _the first person you saw." JJ just nodded, but she broke a small smile._

 _The brunette reached behind her to the table and gave JJ a glass of water and a handful of pills. "I want you to take two or three Advil every four hours. Hopefully, it'll help." JJ downed the pain-reliever and gulped down the water. "I won't make you eat tonight, Jen. I understand why you don't want to, but you can't go more than twenty-four hours with nothing in you, so tomorrow morning…."_

 _"I know," JJ acknowledged._

 _Emily took a deep breath. "I need you to tell me how much pain you're in. Just give me a 1-10 scale. I won't force you to take narcotics, I just need to know."_

 _JJ took a shaky breath and her hand moved to gently touch her ribs. "I hurt a lot here. Probably a seven or eight right now. The cut on my arm isn't bad. Maybe 2 or 3."_

 _"Those weren't you're only injuries, my love," Emily pointed out._

 _"Those were the only bad ones," she deflected._

 _"Jen, Dr. Chung showed me the pictures."_

 _JJ shook her head rapidly to keep the water inside her tear ducts. "I really think most of it is psychological." JJ didn't know if this would comfort her wife at all._

 _"Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt," Emily observed._

 _"You're right. I just…I'm not ready to deal with it. I haven't even said the words yet."_

 _Emily nodded before gently patting her wife's knee and standing up. "You know I won't force you, but when you're ready, I'll be here. That's the way it's always been." She reached out her hands and slowly helped JJ stand. "C'mon, you need to try to get some sleep. I'll hold you if you want."_

 _JJ smiled. "You have no idea how amazing all of that sounds right now."_

 _Emily let out a chuckle. "Oh, I totally do."_

 **AN: This chapter didn't end up being as short as I thought it was going to be. I want to clarify that JJ is NOT pregnant, that is not the direction I am going in with this story. Any other suggestions, I'll consider. Please follow and review! Thanks guys!**

 **I'm also having an issue with fanfiction. My view count isn't going up even though I know people are still reading because of reviews. Does anyone know how to fix it? Its kind of frustrating.**


	11. Chapter 11

Strength and Courage

Chapter 11

 **AN: Here is chapter 11, up a day earlier than anticipated. I'm still having the problem mentioned in last chapter's end note and I would love some help to fix it. I'm glad you all are happy with my decision to not have JJ pregnant. I think it's overdone (though sometimes done well) and takes away from the story of JJ's recovery, which is something a reviewer said. (Thanks for that!) There is minor sexual content in the flashback portion of the chapter. Not much at all, but I wanted to warn you. There is also some language. I've never written any sexual content at all ever, so I'm kind of warming up for a future chapter. The flashback takes place early on in their relationship and explains some more of JJ's past experience. Thank you all for your follows and reviews! Please continue to let me know what you think and give me suggestions.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

The doorbell of the Prentiss household rang out at approximately four thirty in the afternoon. JJ was the first to the door with Emily on her heels. The blonde turned back to her wife and Emily gave her a reassuring smile. JJ took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Jenny!" Annie Jareau had her arms around her daughter before JJ even saw her.

"Hey, mom," JJ replied softly, fully relaxing into her mother's embrace.

Annie pulled back, but kept her hands on her daughter's arms. "Let me look at you." The older Jareau looked JJ up and down, shaking her head disapprovingly. "You've lost weight, Jenny."

JJ was embarrassed. "Mom."

Emily took the opportunity to save her wife from the awkward situation. "Hey, Annie," she greeted, stepping forward. Annie wrapped her daughter-in-law in her arms tightly.

"Mom," JJ started. "I have cookies in the oven and I don't want them to burn. I'm gonna go get them. Meet me in the kitchen." She walked off, letting Emily have a moment with her mother.

The hug Annie shared with Emily actually lasted longer than the one she shared with her daughter. The redhead didn't know how fragile JJ was after her ordeal and didn't want to risk scaring her. She also wanted to have a minute to thank Emily for all she'd done. "I don't even know how to thank you, Emily." Emily instantly began shaking her head in disagreement. "I'm not sure exactly what happened to her, and I won't force either of you to tell me. I'm just glad you let me come be here now."

"Annie, I'm sorry; she was just so overwhelmed. I didn't want her to have to-"

Annie cut off Emily's explanation. "You don't owe me an apology, sweetie. You have always been so good to Jenny. I trust that you did what you thought was best for her. I'm not angry. In fact, I don't think I could more grateful."

"You don't have to thank me for loving your daughter, Annie," Emily assured her mother-in-law. Annie wrapped her arm around the brunette's waist and the two walked into the kitchen together.

"Mom, I'm so sorry. This house is a mess," JJ apologized.

"Oh, darling, please. If I were in your position, cleanliness would be the least of my worries."

JJ put the platter of chocolate chip cookies on the kitchen table and the three sat down together. None of them knew how to start an inevitable conversation. "Girls," Annie finally spoke, "I don't want either of you to feel obligated to tell me anything. I'm just happy to be here now to help both of you heal from what happened."

"But mom," JJ began, "Isn't weird for you to not know anything except that I was abducted by an unsub?"

Annie smiled at her daughter. "Don't get me wrong. I'm willing to hear whatever you're willing to share. But I have a better idea for right now. Why don't the two of you go out?"

"Annie, you just got here," Emily pointed out.

"I'll still be here when you get back. And Jenny, you seem to be very overwhelmed right now, and I'm guessing the state of your house doesn't help. You girls go shopping or something, and while you're out, I'll tidy around here. You both know I enjoy cleaning."

JJ and Emily shared a hesitant look. "If you're really sure, Mom."

"Of course I am," Annie said. "You two need some time away from the house. You need to go on an actual date. How long has it been?"

"More than six months," JJ replied.

"Right. Your fourth anniversary. Seriously, you girls need some time together. I can tell there is some tenseness between the two of you. Which is fine, and it's not like it doesn't make sense. I promise that when you come back here, you'll feel better about yourselves and better about talking about whatever to need to, with me and with each other."

JJ's mother insisted the two leave for a few hours, and anyone who knew Annie knew that you should never disagree with her.

* * *

 _Although her reaction was something she logically expected, JJ was still shocked when Emily had followed the command so immediately. The word "stop" was barely out of her mouth before Emily had pulled out and away from her._

 _The night was going so well. They had been together for more than two months and JJ was pretty sure she was ready to take the next step. It took a lot of convincing for Emily to believe her. "It's not your fault, but I just don't trust you to ask me to stop if that's what you need," she had said. JJ had desperately pleaded with her girlfriend, assuring her that she would ask for what she needed, and eventually, Emily decided that it was worth it to try._

 _JJ had just proven that she was ready—ready to stand up for herself._

 _The blonde didn't know why, but the instant Emily had touched her, she began to hear the malicious laughter of the first woman she'd ever been with, and she couldn't get it to stop. Emily, however, as she promised, was another story. JJ_ could _get Emily to stop. Emily loved her. She wasn't like_ her _._

 _The woman was a selfish narcissist and got off on JJ's discomfort. In fact, on more than a dozen occasions, the woman had made sure JJ was too drunk to register what was happening in time to stop it. If she didn't actually say the word "no", it wasn't rape right? When JJ was sober, she understood that of course it was, but she was also too young, too shy, too insecure, to feel like she even had the right to ask her to not purposefully get JJ intoxicated again. She was the first woman that ever noticed JJ, and in her freshman year of college, she couldn't resist the attention._

"You're lucky you have me. No one else will ever want you."

 _The tears immediately started rushing down her cheeks. "I'm sorry, Emily," she sobbed out between gasps._

"If you stopped squirming, it would be over faster."

" _Hey, you're okay," Emily comforted, still keeping a safe distance away from her girlfriend. "Just focus on breathing."_

"You have no right to say no to me. I'll leave you if you do."

" _I shouldn't be crying like this," JJ admonished herself._

" _It's okay, sweetheart. Let it out. Just breathe."_

"JJ, just shut up and drink your tequila."

" _You're not doing anything wrong, Jennifer," Emily reassured her before moving slightly closer and placing one of her hands over the one of JJ's that was resting on her stomach. "I need you to stop talking so you can calm down. Just focus on my voice, alright?" Emily moved her other hand to rest on the top of JJ's head, her thumb stroking over her hair. "It's just me. It's Emily. You're safe."_

"Shut up, JJ."

" _It's just me. I'm here."_

"You're such a stupid bitch. You should be grateful. I'm the only one who would fuck you like this."

" _Jennifer, we don't have to make love tonight. Please try to stop freaking out over this. It's okay. We have all the time in the world."_

 _The tears were still coming down, but slower now. "I'm sorry, Emily."_

" _Shhh," Emily pleaded, placing a gentle kiss to her love's forehead and then pulling up the blanket on the bed to keep her warm. "I'm so proud of you."_

"No one else will ever love you."

" _I love you."_

* * *

JJ and Emily had spent time in many stores, buying things once in a while but mostly just exploring. It was now after six o'clock and the two were going to head to a restaurant.

Strangely, the date felt normal, and both had all but forgotten the catastrophic implications of what JJ had been through. The blonde was looking forward to getting to spend time with her mom, and Emily was relieved to see a genuine smile on her wife's face for the first time in months. "Jen, how are you feeling?" Emily asked as they began to walk down the street to a Mexican Restaurant they frequented.

"I'm okay," JJ replied honestly, reaching out to take Emily's hand. "I really am. Maybe I just needed time to work out some things after the nightmare."

"It's been less than twenty-four hours," Emily pointed out.

"I know, and I know I'm not completely better. I have other things to heal from too, we both know that, but I feel safe with you."

"Are you just saying that so we don't have to tell your mom everything that happened?" Emily asked seriously.

"No, I want to tell my mom. She needs to know." JJ paused. "Look, Em. That nightmare is going to haunt me for a while. You know how affected I am by things like that. But this evening has been so _normal_ , so gloriously uneventful, it just feels right. This feels right." JJ lifted up their joined hands and Emily nodded, accepting JJ's explanation.

Unfortunately for the couple, their uneventful evening was about to come to an end.

"JJ!" The two heard called from behind them.

The next few moments were confusing for Emily and she watched her wife's reactions carefully.

JJ turned around and forced a smile after a shocked look crossed her features. "Erin." The greeting was forced and Emily could tell. She stepped to her wife and placed an arm around her protectively. Emily was concerned when JJ didn't tense at her touch at all and greedily sucked up the comfort instantly.

"Who's this, babe?" Emily asked JJ.

JJ opened her mouth to speak, but the woman interrupted her. "Oh! JJ and I go _waaaay_ back. We were close in college."

Emily noticed JJ's grimace at the word "close". She wasn't sure who this woman was, but she was going to get her wife away from her as soon as she could.

"Erin, is it?" Emily asked with forced politeness.

The woman nodded enthusiastically. "The one and only."

It took all of Emily's strength not to slap the woman. She was nauseatingly self-absorbed. "I'm Emily, Jennifer's _wife_." Emily reached out her hand to shake the woman's firmly, clearly asserting dominance.

"Oh, I guess I was wrong," the woman spoke softly to herself, disappointed. Neither of the agents heard the statement. "Well, it's nice to meet you Emily," she spoke up bitterly.

"Listen, Jayje, I have to be going. Look up my Facebook. We need to get together soon and talk about old times." The woman walked away as she spoke, giving a wicked smirk and wink to JJ at the end of her sentence.

JJ stood and stared for several seconds. "Jennifer, who the hell was that?"

Emily had been formulating theories and she was afraid reality would be worse than her imagination.

"I…why do you think I've never wanted you to call me JJ?" she asked.

Emily was getting more and more confused by the moment. "Everyone calls you JJ, you wanted it to be special between you and me. That's what I always thought."

JJ shook her head no. " _She_ called me JJ."

"Jen," Emily pleaded, stepping to her wife and taking her hand. "This would be a bit easier if you spoke in complete, coherent sentences."

JJ took a deep breath. "You've just met Erin, my first."

 **AN: So, what did you think? Did you figure out who Erin was? How do you want Emily to react? What do you want to happen with JJ's mom? I haven't decided these things yet, so please help me decide. Also, I would really appreciate it if someone could help with my story stats problem. Next chapter will be out mid next week if I can figure out what I want to happen next. Please follow and review!**


	12. Chapter 12

Strength and Courage

Chapter 12

 **AN: Wow! 50 reviews! Guys, when I started this story, I didn't think I'd get 5. I am so thankful for your support! I'm going to try to reply to user reviews from now on. Guests, I'm sorry that I can't reply to yours, but I want to give you guys a shout out! You've all been amazing! So, because I hit 50 reviews, I'm giving you an early chapter. Expect updates every 3-5 days. Both the flashback and current portions pick up where they left off. Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

"Wait, what? _That's_ the girl?"

JJ nodded. "What did you expect?"

Emily searched for the woman in the crowd, turning her head in every direction. She was going to find this bitch who hurt her wife and she was going to make her pay. "I don't know, but I think I can take her."

"Emily," JJ warned. "Please, no. I don't want to deal with Erin ever again."

The brunette sighed and her expression softened. Emily really wanted to kill Erin, but if JJ needed her to let it go, just this once, she figured she could make that happen for her wife. "Jen, I won't go after her, but we need to talk about her. God, I didn't even know her name. I should have known."

"Em, I didn't tell you much and I purposefully didn't tell you her name. Or the others' names," JJ explained. "I just wanted to put them all behind me. But the truth is I never fully healed because I never dealt with it. You helped a lot, of course, but I kept you in the dark because I didn't want you to think of as a burden.

"Sweetheart, you're not a burden. You're my best friend." Emily took her wife's hand gently and the two walked to a fairly private picnic table beneath a tree. "I'm never going to call you JJ again though."

"You can if you want. It gets my attention," JJ pointed out.

Emily shook her head. "It gets your attention because it scares you."

The blonde nodded. "I guess that's true. I never thought of it that way before. It makes sense though because Erin scared me. She still does. Em, I swear, I saw her and my heart stopped."

"Baby, she…." She trailed off. "I'm gonna let you talk. Tell me whatever you're comfortable with."

JJ sighed. "You know the basics."

Emily nodded. "She was an awful person, and she abused you emotionally, physically, and sexually. That's pretty much all you've told me."

JJ didn't know where to start. She looked around her and found that the two were in fact alone. "She never even kissed me. Ever." She shook her head. "I was just a toy…for her to play with." The woman gave up on keeping her tears at bay, knowing that Emily wouldn't judge her. The moment Emily realized her wife was crying, she moved around the table to sit next to her.

"I was an ugly, stupid, worthless toy that no one else could ever appreciate or love." Emily reached an arm around JJ's waist and pulled her closer.

"Is that what she told you?" Emily asked gently.

JJ nodded, not trusting her voice. Emily shook her head in disgust, now regretting not going after Erin, "Jen, none of that is true."

The blonde nodded once again. "I believed that for a long time, but after what just happened…." She couldn't finish the sentence.

Thankfully, Emily could. "It brought all of the insecurities and doubts back, right?"

"Yeah." JJ used both of her hands to wipe her face. "It's bringing back all the memories I have from how I felt in the beginning of our relationship. How I didn't believe that sex could mean as much as it seemed to for you. Remember the first time we tried to have sex?"

Emily nodded. "I do. I was so proud of you for speaking up for yourself and asking me to stop." She placed a soft kiss to the top of her wife's head.

"I was really asking Erin to stop though," JJ corrected, closing her eyes and savoring the loving touch.

"I know." Emily paused. "Did she?"

JJ shook her head. "You did. And you made her stop. You're the only one who could ever make her stop."

* * *

 _"I love you."_

 _"You really mean that, don't you?" JJ asked._

 _"I really mean that, Jen."_

 _JJ shook her head, laughing at herself. Of course Emily loved her. Erin may not have, but that spoke more about her than it did JJ._

 _"Look who's back," Emily mused._

 _JJ wiped away her remaining tears. "I'm really sorry about that, Em."_

 _Emily lied down next to her girlfriend and wrapped her arm around her naked form. "Don't be. I promise it's alright." Emily noticed JJ flinch the moment her arm maid contact with her waist. "Hey. Relax. You're okay, I would never hurt you." The brunette could see JJ's effort to calm down, but it wasn't working. "Can I ask you a question?" JJ barely nodded. "Why do you associate sex with pain? I mean, I know some about your past, but I feel like there's a lot more to it."_

 _JJ ignored her girlfriend's question, and decided to address what she thought Emily really cared about, what every girl before her really cared about. "If you want sex tonight, that's okay, but can you please wait until I'm asleep?"_

 _Emily almost asked JJ to repeat the question. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Has that…has that happened before?"_

 _JJ nodded and answered nonchalantly. "Yeah, the second girl I was with liked it rough I guess. She was nicer than my first; she always waited until I was asleep. I woke up naked and really sore every morning. But at least I don't remember the actual sex."_

 _"Okay, Jennifer." Emily sat up in the bed, reaching for her robe and wrapping it around herself to make JJ more comfortable. "That wasn't_ nice. _That was assault. It was-"_

 _"Please don't use that word," JJ begged. She was on the verge of crying again and she didn't want to seem any weaker than she already did._

 _"You've never actually had sex, have you?" Emily barely whispered. The question was rhetorical; Emily wasn't expecting JJ to reply and she didn't need her to. "Okay, I need to explain something to you now. This is very important; I need you to understand." JJ followed Emily's lead and sat up, making sure she was appropriately covered with the blanket._

 _"I'm realizing that you fear sex because what you have experienced as sexual contact is not accurate. People who care about their partners don't force them to have sex. They don't 'kindly' wait until they're asleep. They don't cause pain to their partner without their consent. They don't make them feel worthless." JJ listened intently, still not quite believing Emily's words._

 _"So, I'm going to give you a new set of rules. These are the rules we'll operate by. The idea is pretty simple: No one is forced to do anything they don't want to do."_

 _Emily continued. "You are entitled to say no. For any reason and for no reason at all. You are not obligated to explain to me why you don't want to, and I will never resent you for it._

" _You are entitled to ask for what you need. Whatever that is. I won't go into detail now because I know you're uncomfortable enough with this conversation. We'll go more into detail with this when you're ready, which by the way, can be five years from now, if that's what you need to heal."_

 _Emily reached forward and brushed a stray hair from JJ's face. "This is the most important one." She cradled her soul mate's face with her right hand and smiled at her lovingly. "You are deserving of and entitled to love. You deserve gentle tenderness and you're entitled to feel safe during sex."_

 _JJ finally spoke, leaning her cheek into Emily's hand. "And you're going to give me that one day?"_

 _Emily nodded, then leaned forward and pressed her lips to JJ's. The blonde tensed at first and then realized where she was, who she was with. JJ allowed herself to fully relax into the kiss, soaking up the love Emily was expressing. When she pulled back, Emily smiled and placed a gentle, quick kiss to her love's nose. "All that and more, my love. All that and more."_

* * *

"Can I ask you about the other two girls? I remember the girl who hurt you when you were asleep…."

JJ nodded. "Brittany. I met her my senior year of college, right before I joined the academy. We only dated for a few months. She broke up with me. She said it was because she was moving. I don't know why she went through the trouble of lying. It's because I wouldn't sleep with her while awake."

"That wasn't your fault though," Emily insisted.

JJ agreed. "I know. I just know it's why she left. I'm glad she did. I don't think I would have been able to do it."

"And the other girl?" Emily was taking note of these women, contemplating getting revenge for her wife. Not hurting them physically, because Emily wouldn't do well in prison, but she would definitely consider making their lives hell.

"Elizabeth wasn't a bad person. I think she was just oblivious."

"It's kind of hard to be oblivious when it comes to you being afraid. I have a hard time believing that anyone who cared about you wouldn't notice."

"I'm an open book, huh?" questioned JJ.

"I mean it could be because I know you really well, but for the most part, yeah."

JJ decided to change the subject. "Does that mean we have to go home and tell my mom everything?"

"Everything would take forever. How about you get some rest when we get home, and I'll talk to Annie. I'll tell her what I think she needs to know. Do you trust me to do that?" Emily asked.

"Of course I do. And Emily?"

"What is it, baby?" Emily asked, concerned.

"Can we both sleep in the bed tonight? I really feel like I need you," JJ questioned hesitantly.

"Of course, sweetheart. I have no problem with that. I just want you to be comfortable."

JJ didn't reply and looked lost in her own world for several moments. "Hello? Earth to Jennifer?"

"Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about the first time we tried…. That list you gave me of things I'm entitled to. I still think about it all the time."

Emily smiled and linked her fingers with JJ's. "I'm glad you do. It was supposed to have a lasting effect."

"I think that's why I'm getting over that nightmare pretty fast. I've heard you say those words to me so many times that they're overpowering my fear."

"We still need to talk about it," Emily reminded.

"I know. And I want to. I want to start really putting forward an effort to heal…from everything. You know they have touch/trust exercises for sexual assault survivors? Can we maybe try some of those?" JJ asked hopefully.

Emily nodded enthusiastically. "Sure! We'll do some research and figure out what'll work for us." The brunette stood up. "What do you say we find some takeout and go home?"

"Can we get something really unhealthy?" JJ asked, smiling.

"As long as you eat, I don't really care what it is," Emily laughed.

JJ started sprinting in the direction of their car. "Last one to the car has to carry the giant bag of food into the house!"

 **AN: So I kinda want to marry the Emily I've created. Next chapter will be a heart to heart between Emily and Annie. We'll get to see how Emily is really feeling about everything that's happened and how much Annie knew about Erin, Brittany, and Elizabeth. Please follow and review and thanks for 50 reviews!**


	13. Chapter 13

Strength and Courage

Chapter 13

 **AN: Here is chapter 13! I see 13 as a lucky number, so I hope this chapter gets lots of great reviews! I want to thank everybody for their reviews. Each and every one means so much to me. Lots of Annie in this chapter. I'm going to try to get the team back in here soon, but I have plans for the next few chapters that don't necessarily involve the team. Still give suggestions about what you want to see of their past or present, or future. Does anyone need clarification about the timeline of JJ and Emily's relationship? I don't know if I've been clear about it. Let me know. Until then—enjoy some more Jemily goodness!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

 _"Jen, I think you're more nervous about me meeting your mom than I am," Emily observed once they exited the highway. The brunette was driving of course, and she figured it was fortunate that their dynamic worked that way because JJ was all but rocking in her seat. "Are you afraid she isn't gonna like me? Do you know something I don't?"_

 _JJ sighed. "It's not that, Em. It's just my mom hasn't met any of my other girlfriends, but she knows that they weren't exactly great people. I just don't want her to assume that about you."_

 _It had a few weeks since the two had tried to have sex for the first time, and neither had made a move to try again. JJ was waiting for Emily to suggest they make another attempt and Emily was waiting for JJ to tell her she was ready. Emily would soon realize that this wasn't the best plan of action._

 _"Well, there's a major difference already. I want to meet her, which means I'm very serious about you. I'm sure your mom knows that," Emily pointed out. The truth is the agent was very nervous about meeting Annie Jareau. She had learned that the redhead was very protective of her daughter. Of course she was; she had lost one. JJ had told her that ever since Rosaline died, Annie had been practically on top of her daughter, and it was smothering, although understandable. And although she was all but petrified, Emily, as always, was prepared to be the stoic, poised, confident one to protect her girlfriend._

 _JJ nodded, squeezing the hand that was already clasped around hers. "I know. I just really want her to like you." She paused before adding, "And I think she will. She might interrogate you a little first, though."_

 _Emily laughed, unfazed. "I've been interrogated before."_

 _And she had. Emily Prentiss had had her fair share of girlfriends over the years, some she even loved. She was always confronted by overbearing, but well-meaning fathers asking her what 'her intentions with their daughter' were. And Emily had always been a generous and caring partner, and was always approved of by her girlfriends' parents. Today, though, she was grateful that none of those relationships worked out. None of those girls were her best friend._

 _And although Emily was relieved each time she was accepted into a new family, she never desired, needed even, approval from a family like she did with JJ's mother. She knew it was because even though she had dated some great women in the past, she had never loved anyone like she loved JJ._

 _"Well, I've never witnessed a girlfriend be interrogated before, so it's a first for me," JJ expressed to her girlfriend, a little worried._

 _"Honestly, she'll probably wait until you've left the room, which is fine. I'm thinking I have the correct answer to any question she could possibly throw at me."_

 _JJ was confused. "How come you're so confident about this?"_

 _Emily answered simply, "Because I love you more than I've ever loved anything or anyone ever in my entire life."_

* * *

"Is she asleep?" asked the elder Jareau as her daughter-in-law descended the spiral staircase in the home she shared with her wife.

"She is for now," Emily replied, taking the last step and then beginning to lead Annie into the living room. "I'll check on her in a few minutes. Can I get you anything? Coffee? Wine?"

Annie shook her head. "I'm fine, dear. Sit and talk with me." She patted the couch next to her and Emily obeyed.

"Jen and I talked and we decided it would be better for _me_ to talk to you about what happened," Emily started. Even though she knew the next few minutes would be painful for her, Emily couldn't even imagine how unbearable it would be for JJ to tell the story, especially after everything she'd been through, and the brunette would do absolutely anything to spare her wife that pain.

Annie nodded. "Okay." She braced herself for what the woman she saw as a third daughter would tell her.

"So, three months ago, we were working on a case here in D.C. The perp was abducting and killing independent, powerful women with lifestyles that weren't 'acceptable' in the traditional sense. The women were all blonde and in their early to mid-thirties."

"That fits Jenny perfectly," Annie observed with a gasp. Emily nodded and continued.

"We noticed that, too. So we kept Jen at the station and made sure someone was watching her at all times. But you know your daughter, Annie, she couldn't handle not being in the field. She…uh…she walked outside." Emily's resolve had begun to waver and she was having a hard time maintaining composure. "We don't know exactly what happened. Jen doesn't remember it. But she ended up in the unsub's basement. He had her for about eight hours. Morgan and I ambushed the house and apprehended him. His name is Jackson Shaffer."

Emily left out some of the details, not because she wasn't planning on sharing them with her mother-in-law, but because she thought it would be easier for both of them if she allowed Annie to process and ask questions in her own time. "He's still alive?"

Emily nodded. "The trial's next month. It wasn't my intention to let him live, Annie, it wasn't, but he wasn't armed when we found him. And Morgan went after him so I could take care of Jennifer."

"What happened to her?" Annie stressed each word with anger. "What did that _monster_ do to my baby?"

The profiler shook her head. "A lot." She was contemplating whether to continue the statement when Annie decided to ask the question they were both avoiding.

"Did he…was she assaulted…sexually?" The question was asked softly, with little emotion behind it.

"Yes."

* * *

 _The instant the door opened, JJ's body collided with her mother's. "Mommy!" the blonde shrieked._

 _"Jenny, I've missed you so much!"_

 _"I've missed you too, Mom." JJ turned to her girlfriend. "Mom, this is Emily. Emily, this is my mom, Annie Jareau."_

 _Emily reached out her hand to shake. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Jareau."_

 _With a light laugh, Annie pulled her future daughter-in-law to her. "We hug in this family, Emily. And it's Annie, darling."_

 _Emily nodded uncomfortably. "Annie."_

 _JJ was instantly embarrassed. "Mom."_

 _Annie rolled her eyes and then released Emily. "Emily, why don't you come with me to the garden to pick some vegetables for the stir fry I'm making later? Jenny can unpack your things in the meantime." Both women could tell by her tone and facial expression that these things were not merely suggestions._

 _"Mom, already? You're going to start with the third degree not five minutes after we get here? Em has been driving for hours."_

 _"Emily's not too tired to have a little conversation with me, are you, Emily?"_

 _Emily shook her head. "Of course not. That sounds lovely."_

 _Annie turned to lead Emily out of the house and JJ shot her girlfriend an apologetic look. Emily just shook her head and laughed, placing a sweet kiss on JJ's cheek before following the elder Jareau out of the back door. "So, Emily, you two met in the BAU?"_

 _Emily nodded. "We've known each other about two years. We cliqued immediately," she explained._

 _"And you've always been interested in women?" Annie asked, pulling on gardening gloves and passing a pair to Emily._

 _"Yes, ma'am. I dated boys in high school and college, but that was before I knew I didn't have to. All my serious relationships have been with women." Emily followed suit with the gloves._

 _Annie raised an eyebrow. "You've been in a_ lot _of serious relationships?"_

 _Emily laughed and shook her head. "Not nearly as many as some people think."_

 _"You can go ahead and pull some tomatoes from the stalk if you want." Again, Emily could tell that this wasn't a suggestion. "You're hard to read, Emily," the redhead observed, beginning to harvest carrots._

 _"I've been told. I'm really pretty honest, though, so if there's anything you want to know, just ask." Emily hoped the invitation would balance the fact that unlike JJ, the brunette was not at all an open book._

 _Annie tore her attention away from digging up vegetables. "Honestly, Emily, I already know all I need to know."_

 _Emily was flabbergasted. She put a tomato in her basket and looked up. "You do?"_

 _Annie stood up and took off her gloves, then reached for Emily's. She handed them over, stil_ _l looking confused. "Let me explain. Come sit with me." Annie directed the younger woman to a swing on the back porch. "When Jenny was young, in elementary school, she was such a happy child. There was such a gorgeous light in her eyes." Annie paused. "I'm sure you know about Jenny's big sister." Emily nodded. "Well, after Ros died, that light in her eyes disappeared, and it never reappeared…until now. That's how I know you make her happy. When she calls me, which is almost every night, the sound of her voice when she talks about you—I haven't heard her speak in that tone since she was ten-years-old." The older woman sighed. "Emily, JJ has been is some pretty bad relationships."_

 _Emily nodded. "I know. She's shared some of that with me. She hasn't told me much though."_

 _"Oh, me neither. I just wanted to bring it up because she's been through a lot."_

 _"She has," Emily agreed. "And we're going into this relationship very slowly. My number one priority is making sure Jennifer is comfortable. I love your daughter very much, Annie, and I promise she's safe with me."_

 _Annie smiled. "I can tell that's true. And I trust you with her. It's just important you earn_ her _trust slowly. And I ask that you don't press her to tell you about her past," the Jareau matriarch requested._

 _"Of course. I would never. Like I said, I just want her to be comfortable and happy and I want her to feel safe."_

 _"That's the thing about Jenny. She says what she means and she means what she says, but if she doesn't tell you something, you best believe she has a good reason."_

* * *

After taking a moment to compose herself, Annie spoke. "This wasn't the first time."

Emily nodded sadly. "I know. We actually just ran into the first person who hurt her, a woman named Erin."

"Four women, and you're the only one…and he-" Annie spoke to herself out loud and then cut herself off. "Emily, if it weren't for you, I doubt she would have gotten through it, not the first time, and definitely not now."

"That's actually why we chose now to call you. She had a nightmare last night. It was about me forcing her to have sex with me."

Annie was shocked. "Really? Why would she have a dream like that?"

Emily picked out an accusatory tone in the question and instantly began to defend herself. "I promise you, Annie, that I have never pressured or-"

"You don't have to explain yourself to be, Emily. After eight years, I know very well the dream had no basis in fact. I'm just wondering where it came from."

Emily couldn't hide her relief as she let out a breath. "I think, subconsciously, she's always feared it a little, especially in the beginning. And her abduction just brought all of it back. Seeing Erin probably didn't help, and neither did the case we just had."

Annie nodded in understanding. "My poor baby. I wish she would have told me more about what happened."

"When we got home, she was so tired; I don't think she has the energy to talk tonight."

"Of course not," Annie agreed. "I'll talk to her tomorrow. Is there anything specific I should know about that Erin bitch?" Emily had never heard her mother-in-law curse before, but if there was a time to, she had no doubt this was it.

"She treated Jen like an object. Luckily, for the most part, I've been able to negate the things she was brainwashed with, but like I said, what just happened has brought it all back. She was having a hard time trusting me after the nightmare and I thought your presence here could help."

"Well, I'll do all that I can for my Jenny," Annie promised, "but right now I want to know about you? How are you doing?"

Emily deterred. "I'm fine. It's Jen who-"

"No, Emily. We know what's going on with your wife. Your mother is not here for you, so it's my responsibility to take care of both of my daughters." The woman moved closer to Emily on the couch and wrapped an arm around her.

"This can't be easy for you, sweetheart. How are you feeling?" She asked again in her "no bullshit", "not a suggestion" voice.

"It's hard. I don't sleep much because I'm always on nightmare watch. Jen's pain is my pain. You know how that is," Emily connected to Annie. "I'm sure it's kind of different, but… look, I can talk about how hard it is for me all day, but I've never been sexually assaulted—not by a partner, not by a stranger. I can't even begin to understand the things that trigger her. My entire life is about not setting off a bomb that may or may not be there at any given point in any given situation. And I can talk about how stressful it is, but I knew what I was getting into when I started dating Jen. I've known she had been hurt in the past from very early in our relationship, and I made a promise that I would help her get through it. And I'm not about to break that promise. Annie, Jennifer is my best friend and there is nothing I wouldn't do for her. It's all a labor of love. So, honestly, all I need to get through it myself is to know that with time, Jen will heal and get through it as well."

Annie smiled and pulled Emily in for a hug. "That's all I needed to hear."

 **AN: Please let me know what you want to happen next. I have a plan, but I'm more than willing to incorporate your suggestions in the story. Please let me know what you think. Next chapter should be up Monday or Tuesday, I think.**


	14. Chapter 14

Strength and Courage

Chapter 14

 **AN: Here is chapter 14! I have a long weekend because of Labor Day and am procrastinating doing my homework, so I decided to write a chapter of S &C instead. Again, I want to thank you all for your amazing reviews and for following. I love writing and it's great to get validation that I'm not awful at it. Anyway, this chapter will be leading into what happens next chapter, and then I'll begin preparation for the trial (and I'll be skipping through time a little). By the way, I don't know how long I'm going to make this story. It will probably be at least 30 chapters, and if you guys want, I'll do a sequel. So let me know what you think about that. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

Emily Prentiss woke up the next morning to an empty bed. This worried her at first, but then she heard the most beautiful sound come from downstairs: her wife's laughter. Emily couldn't help but smile. Her morning had already gotten off to a wonderful start.

She padded down the stairs barefoot, grinning even wider when the sound of JJ's laughter grew louder. The sound faded as the Jareau women became aware of Emily approaching.

"Good morning, darling," Annie was the first to speak. She stood up to greet her daughter-in-law with a hug.

"Hey, Annie. Did you sleep well?" Emily asked, pulling out of the hug after a moment.

"I did," the woman confirmed. "It was great being so close to my kids."

Emily smiled and looked to JJ. "It was great to hear you laughing."

JJ nodded with a smile and stood up. "I'm feeling pretty good this morning."

Emily didn't know whether or not she should approach her wife with physical contact so soon after her nightmare, but could see in JJ's eyes that she wanted to be hugged, and who was Emily to refuse. "Hello, my love," the brunette cooed once JJ was wrapped in her arms.

"Morning, Em," the blonde replied, holding Emily close to her tightly.

Annie had been witness to many tender moments between the two women over the years, but it seemed that each time warmed her heart even more than the last. Knowing without a doubt that her daughter was so loved and so well taken care of was a great comfort, especially because up until eight years ago, that was not the case. The older woman stepped out of the living room to finish up breakfast and give JJ and Emily a moment of privacy.

After Emily pulled away, she cradled her wife's face with both of her hands. "You're doing well this morning?" she asked to be sure.

JJ nodded with a wide smile. "I really am. Asking Mom to come here was a very good idea. Thank you for suggesting it."

Emily pecked her wife on the nose. "I'm glad it worked. I was getting a little desperate," she laughed.

"Girls! Breakfast!" the two heard called from in the kitchen.

JJ and Emily walked hand-in-hand into the kitchen, causing Annie to smile. "Have I told you two recently how cute you are?"

Neither answered, but all three women laughed. They sat around the table where Annie had laid out scrambled eggs, bacon, pancakes, and toast, as well as fresh fruit, coffee, and orange juice. "Wow, Annie," Emily complimented with wide eyes, "you really went overboard. This looks amazing."

"Nonsense, honey, nothing is too much for you two."

"Really mom, thank you," JJ said, making a plate for her mother and then handing it to her.

"So, girls," Annie began once they all had food and had started to eat. "I wanted to let you know that I won't be staying here tonight."

JJ put her fork down. "Why? What do you mean?" The blonde was worried that she was too emotionally exhausting even for her resilient mother.

"Oh, don't worry, sweetheart," the redhead reassured her daughter. "I won't be going far. I'm going to stay at a hotel nearby."

"Annie, you're more than welcome to stay here for as long as you want to," Emily reminded Annie.

"I know that. I do," she replied, addressing Emily. "I just think I would be more of a help not here."

"What does that mean?" JJ questioned. "I've been doing so much better since you got here yesterday," she argued, almost panicking. Of course she was too much to handle. She was an emotional vampire, always had been.

"Like I said, Jenny," Annie attempted to comfort as Emily reached out to take JJ's hand to center her, "I'm really not going anywhere. I'll be here whenever you need me. But you two need privacy. You don't need me hovering around here all the time, but when you do need me, I'll be here."

JJ began to relax, finally starting to understand. "How long are you planning on staying in a hotel?" she asked.

"Well, I was thinking, and I realized—I don't really have anything holding me in Pennsylvania. My family is here. So, if it's okay with you, I'd love to look into an apartment or small house here. Not too close, but not too far either, so it doesn't have to be a huge event every time we visit each other."

Emily and JJ shared a look and then turned to look at Annie. JJ smiled. "I think that would be great."

* * *

 _Emily and JJ's first wedding anniversary had been a delightful day. In the morning, they had brunch with their friends and JJ's mom, who had come down from East Allegheny, and in the evening, they had date night._

 _The two went to a fancy restaurant that Emily had frequented before she started dating JJ, and the two loved going there together. They sat at a relatively private table that the owner of the restaurant kept reserved for the couple._

 _"Thank you for today, Emily," JJ said as they walked into their house holding hands._

 _JJ felt like a teenage girl with Emily, or rather what a teenage girl in love should feel like. The blonde never experienced love as a teenager; she was a loner for years after Ros killed herself and, as a college student, experienced three distinct abusive relationships. She knew Emily for six years now and it never ceased to amaze JJ how kind the woman was, and more, how good she was to her._

 _"Anything for you," the brunette replied with a love-drunk smile, locking the front door. "I'm hoping this will be the first beautiful anniversary of many."_

 _The women walked upstairs and began to get ready for bed. Once they had settled in, JJ spoke. "I never imagined anyone like you would love me," she confessed._

 _Emily reached out to stroke her wife's cheek. "Me neither." She paused and added for humor's sake: "You're pretty lucky, huh?"_

 _JJ's smile instantly dropped into a frown and she pulled away from Emily's touch._

 _Emily knew this reaction. Every once in a while, she would say something that triggered JJ's memory. "What did I say?" she asked slowly and patiently waited for her wife's reply._

 _"Um, my first girlfriend used to say that to me," JJ muttered. "She used it in a very manipulative way, to remind me that her presence in my life was a privilege." JJ shook her head and breathed out forcefully. "I'm sorry. I totally just ruined the mood."_

 _"It's not your fault," Emily assured her. "It's just something I know not to say now."_

 _The blonde remained silent, feeling shame for her illogical and irrational reaction to her wife's words. "C'mon," Emily invited. "Let's get some sleep."_

 _JJ fought to hold back tears. "I don't want to go to sleep yet, Emily."_

 _Emily knew what JJ was referring to immediately, as this was one of the euphemistic phrases she used when asking for sex. "Jen. Baby, no. Not tonight, it would be wrong."_

 _JJ didn't always realize that there were times inappropriate for making love, like right after she'd been triggered by something Emily said to her. "But, Emily, I want to. Please."_

 _Emily sighed. "Maybe. Can you explain to me why it's so important to you for us to have sex right_ now _?"_

 _"Um…" JJ began. "It's our first wedding anniversary. We really should."_

 _Emily shook her head. "Sweetheart, I've told you this many times." Emily reached to place her hand on her wife's arm and noticed she didn't flinch, which was a good sign. "I won't have sex with you if you feel it's an obligation. And you know that. So that's not the reason; I can see it in your eyes, love. Just tell me."_

 _"I feel like I can't let the words go," JJ explained, a tear streaming down her face. Emily caught it with a gentle finger. "I just…I need a reminder that I'm married to you and not…and not her. Please." The tone in JJ's voice was one of begging and Emily reminded herself that she'd promised JJ that she would never make her beg._

 _The brunette nodded slowly. "Okay, baby. Okay."_

 _Emily stood to remove her clothes and JJ did the same silently. When they got back into the bed, Emily gently laid herself on top of her wife. "Tell me if you need to stop," she reminded._

 _JJ nodded. "I know."_

 _Emily brushed JJ's hair out of her face so they could maintain eye contact easier. "I love you so much, Jennifer," she spoke with emotion, placing feather light kisses to her wife's ear and jawline._

 _JJ wanted to reply to Emily, wanted to tell her how much she loved and appreciated her and her patience, but she was too overcome with emotion to speak, so she just moaned in reply, tightening her fingers in her wife's hair._

 _Emily spent the next few hours showing JJ that she was not the women who hurt her, reminding her of all the things she was entitled to, reassuring her that she was worthy of love and pleasure and safety and adoration._

 _Later, JJ, feeling safe in her wife's arms, spoke softly. "Thank you, Emily."_

 _Emily reached down and placed a long kiss to her wife's forehead. "Anything for you."_

* * *

Hours later, once Annie had left for the hotel, the two got ready to retire for the night. JJ had showered first and was on her laptop in bed, waiting for her wife to join her.

Once she did, Emily's interest was piqued by the screen in front of her wife. "What are you doing?"

"I'm on Erin's Facebook," the blond replied matter-of-factly.

Emily sighed. "You're still following her orders?" she pressed. She didn't mean to sound cold, but it frustrated her that JJ seemingly felt obligated to obey Erin even when there was no threat to her.

JJ shook her head. "This isn't for her, it's for me," she clarified.

"I don't follow," Emily said, confused.

"I said I wanted to make a concerted effort to heal," she started to explain.

"Okay…."

"Well, I realized that I never got over what she did to me because I never let myself blame her for what she did. I always thought it was somehow my fault."

"It wasn't your fault," Emily stressed.

"I know that now," JJ replied. "But I need her to know it too."

"Jen, I don't think that's such a good idea. Maybe you-"

JJ interrupted. "This is the first step I need to take in order to start making actual progress towards getting better. I'm asking for your blessing and your support, Emily, but I'm not asking for your permission. I'm doing this."

Emily was conflicted. She wanted her wife to be able to stand up for herself, but she didn't know if JJ was capable of standing her ground with Erin, and she didn't want her to regress back to a state in which she believed she was an object to be toyed with. But if JJ was going to do this no matter what Emily said, the least she could do was lend her support.

"When does she want to meet?"

JJ closed her laptop after typing a message. "We're having lunch tomorrow."

"Where are we going?" Emily asked, assuming this was going to be a team effort.

"No," JJ said forcefully. "I need to do this on my own. And honestly, Em, I don't trust you not to kill her."

"Look. I support you in this, I do," Emily disclaimed, "but what happens if you start panicking? Is Erin going to call me to come save you?" She spoke the last part sarcastically.

"I'll have my phone. Honestly, Em, I can do this. I need to prove to myself that I can. It's been more than fifteen years. I've taken down scarier people than Erin."

Emily nodded. "Okay. It's getting late; we can talk more about the plan tomorrow morning. But there needs to be one, so I can help you if you need it. Because you know I'll kill her if I need to."

JJ nodded as well. "Okay, Mama Bear." JJ laughed.

"What is it?" Emily asked.

JJ smiled. "It's a little ironic."

"What is?"

"I'm pretty lucky, huh?"

 **AN: Alright! Chapter 14! Boom or bust? What do you think is gonna happen with JJ and Erin and how is Emily going to play into it? We'll all find out the middle of this week.**


	15. Chapter 15

Strength and Courage

Chapter 15

 **AN: Chapter 15 has the furthest time ago flashback (before Emily and JJ were together). I hope I did this confrontation justice. Please let me know what you think. Next chapter will go more into how JJ is recovering and the start of the trial will be soon.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

The next morning was crisp. It was a cool autumn day—perfect weather for a personal revolution. JJ smiled to herself; Erin had no idea what was about to hit her.

Emily rolled over in bed to a beautiful sight. JJ was still fast asleep and she looked relatively peaceful. This was a rare occurrence and Emily figured the night before would not be a time for her to sleep nightmare free. Emily smiled to herself, knowing this meant her wife was at peace with what she had decided to do.

The brunette began to lightly trail kisses along JJ's shoulder and arm, hoping it would gently rouse her wife from sleep. "Jennifer," she spoke softly, brushing her hair back. "It's time to wake up." The woman in question woke up slowly and gently, instantly knowing she was safe, which had not happened recently. This brought both women a great deal of comfort.

"Good morning," Emily spoke gently, stroking her wife's cheek.

JJ smiled, rubbing the sleep from her eyes and then holding the hand that had taken up residence on her face. "Good morning, indeed."

"How are you feeling? About everything…." Emily asked after a moment.

"Good," JJ replied, sitting up. "So how far away from the restaurant is the bush you'll be hiding in?" Emily laughed but did not respond. JJ continued, "And do we need to buy you a new pair of binoculars or is the pair you have sufficient for today?"

Emily pecked her wife's lips and then got out of bed, beginning to dress for the day. "I'm going to stay in the parked car, out of sight, but not far away, so if you scream loud enough, I'll hear you." The brunette broke a smile at her last statement, revealing that she was joking—kind of.

JJ shook her head and let out a chuckle. "I'll be fine."

The older profiler finished pulling on a pair of jeans and then crawled back onto the bed. "I know you will. But I'm being serious, if she does something that really scares you or you need help to get out of the situation, call me."

"Just clarifying, you do mean on your phone, yes?"

Emily kissed her wife's nose. "Yes. I'm going to head downstairs. Take your time." Emily grabbed her phone, gun, and badge—just in case—and then left the room.

The blonde threw on a pair of jeans and a nice shirt. She didn't feel the need to be too formal—she had nobody to impress.

Emily was making French toast in the kitchen when JJ made in down there. "I don't think you're gonna eat much at the restaurant," she explained with a small smile.

JJ kissed her wife's cheek as she walked past. "Thank you, Emily."

Both women could cook, which was great because they could alternate who made dinner, or even better, they could do it together. Emily, however, was the master of breakfast and French toast was her specialty.

After she placed the platter of French toast on the table, Emily wiped her hands and reached out to hug her wife. JJ obliged happily, grateful for all the support she was getting, even though she knew Emily wished that confronting Erin wasn't necessary for JJ's recovery. JJ wished it wasn't necessary too, but she knew that it was, and she also knew that after today, a large weight that had been on her shoulders for almost two decades would finally be lifted. Emily placed a light kiss on JJ's shoulder while in the embrace. "You're so beautiful," she commented.

JJ sighed, not breaking from the hug. She knew it wasn't a simple compliment from Emily. The blonde knew her wife's words had another meaning—"I believe in you."

* * *

 _"Who do you think Jayje is texting?" Garcia asked Emily in the bullpen after a case._

 _"I don't know," Emily replied, attempting to casually observe her friend. "Maybe a boyfriend?"_

 _Garcia laughed. "C'mon, Em, you can't be that oblivious."_

 _"What do you mean?" Emily questioned the tech analyst._

 _"Emily, you have to know that JJ doesn't play for that team."_

 _"What?!" Emily used her question to steal another glance at the blonde agent. "JJ? No way."_

 _Penelope nodded enthusiastically. This news came somewhat as a surprise to Emily. The profiler had been crushing on JJ ever since she joined the BAU over a year ago, but as JJ was blonde and pretty, she made the assumption that she was straight. Obviously, she was wrong and Emily couldn't have been happier. JJ was one of Emily's best friends and she was content to keep it that way if there was no chance for them, but the brunette always kept an inkling of hope and apparently, it was well-founded. Realizing this meant Emily may actually have a chance with JJ, she decided to ask, "Well, does she have a girlfriend?"_

 _Garcia shook her head. "No, JJ doesn't date."_

 _"Why?" Emily asked, confused and incredibly disappointed._

 _"I don't know. She doesn't talk about it much." Penelope shrugged._

 _"Hmm," Emily thought. She turned to look at JJ and saw the woman quickly wiping away a tear. She could tell Garcia didn't notice. "I'm gonna go talk to her, make sure she's okay."_

 _Garcia nodded. "Alright, Gumdrop." The blonde winked at Emily, being the only member of the team to know Emily, as well as JJ, was not into dating men._

 _Emily hesitantly approached her friend. "Jen, are you okay?"_

 _JJ had been receiving texts from Erin all day. They wouldn't stop, and each one dug deeper and deeper into old wounds. At the sight of her crush, JJ blushed furiously and then quickly tried to hide it. "Yeah," she replied to Emily's question, forcing a laugh. "I'm fine."_

 _"Are you sure?" the brunette asked skeptically. "You seemed to have a reaction to whatever you were reading on your phone."_

 _"Oh, yeah. It's nothing. Just that time of the month," she laughed awkwardly._

 _"Well, if you're sure…." Emily was still hesitant to let it go, her protective side wanting to keep questioning the woman she was undoubtedly in love with._

 _"Yeah, totally. I'm fine, Em, I promise." The blonde nodded vigorously, trying to convince both herself and Emily that everything was alright, even though she knew she would go home and cry herself to sleep, just as she did every time Erin tried to contact her._

* * *

"Alright," JJ said as the two pulled into the café where she and Erin would be meeting. "I can do this." She nodded. "I can do this," she repeated like a mantra, unbuckling her seatbelt. "I can do this."

Not knowing what to say that would be effective encouragement, Emily unbuckled her own seatbelt before reaching over the center console of the car in order to place a passionate kiss on her wife's lips. It was a deep kiss, yet chaste at the same time, and it expressed love and confidence and belief. Emily pulled back, resting her forehead against JJ's. "I need you to remember that," she instructed, getting her breath back.

JJ nodded. "I can do this."

Emily pulled back, giving her wife's hand a squeeze. "I'm thirty seconds away if you need me, but I don't think you will."

JJ shook her head. "I always need you."

The two shared one more loving kiss before JJ stepped out of the car and into the restaurant, not stopping to look back. _And now we wait_ , Emily thought to herself, taking a deep breath.

JJ didn't spot her ex immediately. She swept the café with her eyes, noticing the bright red hair and piercing eyes before anything else. It made her stomach turn.

Erin spotted JJ almost immediately and stood up, preparing to greet her.

JJ knew Erin was going to hug her and steeled herself for the touch as she took each step. The journey took forever.

One step.

Two

Three

Four

Five

As she got closer, JJ realized how unattractive Erin was. When they dated, the blonde thought her girlfriend was stunning, the best she could get. But now, as she was for the first time with someone who was truly beautiful in every sense of the word, Erin just looked plain, nothing special.

"JJ!" The obnoxious woman squealed, pulling the nervous woman into her arms without even a permission-asking glance. The blonde wasn't used to touch without warning, and it took everything inside of her not to make an audible sound.

"Hello, Erin," JJ spoke curtly.

The redhead didn't notice the tone, nor did she notice JJ tense in her arms. It might have been because JJ had always tensed when Erin touched her. This was nothing new. Erin pushed JJ away from her almost forcefully, gripping her arms tightly. "Oh. My. God. Jayje, I saw what happened to you in the news. Are you okay?" The concern was over exaggerated.

JJ wasn't quite sure what was going on. Did Erin really think that what she did to her when they dated was that different from what Shaffer did? JJ sat down, not giving Erin the curtesy of sitting first. "You really haven't changed in seventeen years," she pondered out loud with a scoff.

"Well, neither have you," Erin replied, completely missing the point of the statement. "You're still all petite and homely."

A waitress came by, dropping off bagels and an assortment of spreads. "I ordered for you, Jayje, just like old times," Erin said.

"So," JJ began, ignoring the insult from before and the comment, not wanting to show Erin that they both hurt. "You have a girlfriend? Are you married?"

Erin laughed. "Oh, please, you know commitment is not my thing," she spoke with a wave of her hand. "But My God, Jayje, I'd like to take a bite of that Emily of yours. _Hoooootttt_. Seriously, how did someone like you end up with someone like _her_?"

JJ took a breath before speaking. "The same way someone like you ended up alone." The redhead looked confused, so JJ clarified. "It's called _karma_ , Erin."

"I don't understand…." JJ couldn't tell if Erin was feigning ignorance or not, but at this point, it didn't really matter.

"You know, it almost worked. You almost won."

"Won what?" At this point, JJ could see that Erin knew she was talking about.

JJ shook her head. "Did you really think I'd never figure it out? Did you think I'd just spend my life thinking that it was okay to _play_ with people like toys? You know, I dated two women after you in quick succession that treated me just as horribly as you did, and I thought that it was _normal._ I'm pretty sure if it weren't for Emily, I would still believe that abuse was commonplace in a healthy relationship." JJ stood up and took out her phone.

"You're not even gonna give me a chance to explain myself?"

"Explain what, Erin? I chase serial killers for a living. Whatever it is, it's nothing I haven't heard before."

JJ pressed speed dial 1 and Erin watched on in shock. "Hey, Em." Pause. "Yeah, I'm fine." Pause. "I'm done here. I'm ready to go." Pause. "Sure." Pause. "Love you too."

The profiler hung up. "What I realized today, Erin," she spoke as she put her phone back in her purse, "is you're not worth this. Not worth my effort, not my time, certainly not my pain. As of today, I'm done thinking about you."

Emily approached then. She made eye contact with Erin, warning her not to even move. She turned to JJ and kissed her soundly. "I love you," she whispered.

JJ smiled. "I know. I love you too."

Erin's mouth was wide open at this point, but JJ wasn't done. "What you did to me is unforgivable." Emily continued to stare at the woman, but let her wife do the talking. "The years of my life that you stole, I will never get back." The blonde wasn't crying or yelling; she was curiously calm. "You need to know that as of this moment, you mean nothing to me. You exist in another life. This life is so much better. In this life, I get the love and respect I deserve. I get the patience and consideration that I am _entitled_ to."

JJ's gaze met Emily's, communicating that she was reciting the list of rights that Emily had told her she was entitled to at the beginning of their relationship. The blonde moved closer to Emily and the brunette more than willingly wrapped her arms around her wife. Emily took this time to speak. "If I _ever_ hear that you try to contact my wife again, I will see to it that you rot in prison. And that's only because if you turned up dead, I know that I would be caught pretty fast." Emily was just as calm as JJ was, maybe calmer.

This was the first time Erin could speak. She was speechless in JJ's new powerful presence, but she couldn't allow Emily to have the same effect. "But the statute of limitations-"

"Oh, don't try to sound all smart. I know what you did. You know what you did. And you know that Jennifer and I have connections to some of the most powerful people in this country. Don't test it. Honestly, if I were you, I'd move to Nebraska or something."

JJ stepped out of Emily's arms and walked to few steps to where Erin was sitting. She shook her head with a humorless laugh. "I have to go. My wife and I have plans with my mom. Waiter!" she called. When she got his attention, she pointed to the table with a kind smile. "She's ready for the bill." JJ plopped a twenty dollar bill on the table. "I wish money could buy basic human decency."

She took Emily's hand and the two began to leave the café.

Erin stood up, trying one more time to get a rise out of JJ. "I bet I could satisfy you better than JJ ever could, Emily."

Emily stiffened, but JJ squeezed her hand to let her know it was okay. "Just go to hell, Erin."

 **AN: So, what did you think? I'm sure a lot of you wanted to see Emily rescue JJ, but I thought it was important for JJ to stand up for herself. I definitely needed Emily to get her two cents in though. Please let me know what you thought and what you'd like to see next.**


	16. Chapter 16

Strength and Courage

Chapter 16

 **AN: Here is chapter 16. This is the last chapter before the preparation for the trial starts, so I will be skipping a few weeks (thus far, the current portions of this story have taken place over four days- a lot has happened in less than a week!) I hope I'm still doing okay with how the flashbacks play into the present.**

 **So I realize I said there would be sex in this story and there really hasn't been for the most part, and just to clarify, there will be sex towards the end. I'm going to write the first time they have sex after JJ's abduction when they get to that point and/or their first time. Do you guys want me to write out those things? My disclaimer for that is that I've never written sex before and I don't know if it's something I'd be good at.**

 **There is discussion about sex in this chapter though. (By the way, JJ's reactions to lesbian porn were inspired by mine) Some of the relearning touch stuff are things I've researched, and then I made up a little with the knowledge I gathered. Hope you enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

 _About a week after JJ had brought Emily home to meet her mom, JJ was sitting on her bed on her laptop. She was expecting Emily to be there later in the day-the two had exchanged keys to make things easier-so JJ had decided to do some research into lesbian sex in her girlfriend's absence._

 _She didn't quite know why she felt such a strong urge to do this; she considered that it could be because she thought that maybe knowledge would take away her fears. So far, it wasn't working._

 _In fact, the blonde had started by watching porn. And it had made her even more uncomfortable than before. Were women really that loud? Did people really enjoy that? And of course, her most common thought—"ouch"._

 _Later, JJ would learn the things she was witnessing were – like her previous experiences – not what sex was normally like._

 _But without this knowledge, JJ was left to dramatically slam her laptop closed with a shriek and a bright blush._

 _An hour and a cold shower later, JJ decided to try again, this time reading articles and sections of books on the internet. Her readings made her uncomfortable, but it was a different discomfort from watching violent or incredibly dirty sex on porn sites._

 _Her dilemma was this: As the weeks since their first attempt to make love went by, JJ found herself actually feeling ready to take the next step. She was still afraid, and recognized the fact that the only way to eliminate her fear was probably to just do it-she needed physical evidence that proved her fears were unfounded, as powerful as Emily's reassurances were. However, her insecurities that Emily would purposefully hurt her gradually waned, and as they did, new fears began to take hold._

 _What if JJ couldn't give her girlfriend the same things Emily could give her? The former media liaison had absolutely no experience with this particular act, and it had been almost five years since the blonde had had sex at all._

 _To combat this problem, JJ had decided to once again try learning from porn. In order to force herself into getting over her insecurities, she made herself watch the videos without headphones—and she reluctantly turned up the volume. More than an hour later, her laptop was hot from the overexertion and the blonde was sure her face was the same temperature. But she was sickly fascinated by the images in front of her. Even though the specific actions happening on her screen were not appealing, some of the women were. JJ laughed at her own expense when she realized she had actually never seen a woman naked in front of her. She was actually not even sure if her previous "lovers" had ever been naked during sex because JJ always had her eyes tightly shut-or she was asleep._

 _JJ was lost in her thoughts when Emily entered the house._

 _The brunette had been on a consult in Roanoke with Morgan and Hotch and she was excited to finally be able to spend time with her girlfriend._

 _Emily had barely shut the front door before she heard a sound that confused her. It sounded like screaming, but Emily knew it wasn't her girlfriend's voice. She remained in a state of being perplexed for several more seconds before it hit her what the sound actually was._

 _Emily couldn't help the laugh that escaped her. She took a moment to organize her thoughts before she began to walk up the stairs to JJ's room to talk to her girlfriend._

* * *

"Whatcha reading?" asked Emily, sliding on a nightshirt the evening after JJ confronted Erin.

JJ looked up from her laptop with a small smile. "Remember when I told you there were touch exercises for survivors?"

"I do." Emily nodded before slipping into the bed next to her wife and grabbing her glasses. She focused her attention on JJ and the computer screen in front of her.

The brunette examined the information before speaking. "A lot of this seems to be things for you to do by yourself," she observed.

"A lot of it is," JJ replied. "It's called relearning touch and there are some books written on it."

Emily's eyes widened as the exercises became more and more intimate as she read them. "Are you going to be comfortable touching yourself like this?" she asked, gauging her wife's reaction.

JJ shook her head with a laugh. "Probably not. I've never been comfortable with it. But it's a process and I wouldn't go from nothing to…to that," she finished, pointing to a particularly intimate exercise on the website.

Emily shifted herself to be closer to JJ before wrapping an arm around her. "I don't want you to force yourself to do things that make you feel unsafe."

JJ offered her wife a reassuring smile, linking a hand with the hand that was over her shoulder and placing a kiss to the back of it. "I don't want to either, but –and I think I've told you this before –if I don't push myself forward a little, I'll be here forever."

"Alright," Emily conceded, "but only a little at a time." The profiler took control over the mousepad and scrolled down some. "Is there anything on here for you and me to do together?" she questioned.

JJ nodded before softly nudging Emily's hand off the mousepad. She clicked on an open tab as she explained. "There's an expert on sexual healing that's produced some 'training' videos for couples, almost like a class. I watched a little on YouTube; it looks promising."

JJ met Emily's gaze and couldn't resist the urge to kiss her—she was just so unbelievably beautiful. "Have I ever thanked you for loving me?"

"Have I ever thanked you for being so easy to love?"

* * *

" _What are you doing?" Emily asked with an amused smile._

 _JJ literally jumped at the sound of her girlfriend's voice. Once she collected herself, she began to ramble. "Emily! No, you don't understand, I wasn't-" she picked up her laptop and didn't bother closing it before hurdling it over the side of her bed- "I wasn't…."_

 _Emily laughed lightly. "You weren't watching porn?"_

" _No!" JJ tried again. "I mean, I was, but I wasn't…" The blonde gave up and just sighed._

 _Emily walked over to the side of JJ's bed and picked up the laptop, chuckling at the name of the video JJ was watching, before gently closing the computer and placing it on the bedside table. "C'mon, love. Talk to me."_

 _JJ remained quiet for a moment before deciding she was in too far to lie. "I, well…like you said, I've never_ really _had sex and I've definitely never been on the giving end of it. I just wanted to know what I was doing."_

 _Emily shook her head gently, climbing onto the bed next to her girlfriend. "You're not gonna learn anything by watching that shit," she informed JJ._

" _Oh. Well, I guess I know that now."_

" _And you don't need to 'study'. I just need you to listen to your instincts; they won't be wrong."_

 _JJ nodded hesitantly._

" _Can I ask why you were studying the most violent and obviously fake porn on this site?" Emily inquired._

" _I don't know," JJ confessed with a shake of her head. "It's what I'm used to. I guess I kind of just got used to the fact that when a partner touches you, it hurts."_

 _"Were all three of those women that rough with you?" Emily asked with disgust._

 _JJ nodded. "Pretty much. I never told Elizabeth I didn't want it though, so it's not really her fault."_

 _Emily shook her head vigorously. "The absence of a no doesn't equate the presence of a yes." The brunette paused, considering how to ask her next question without making her already uncomfortable girlfriend even more so. "Still, was she oblivious or did you pretend? Did you ever actually-?"_

 _JJ interrupted Emily before she could finish the sentence. "No, I've never...never...you know."_

 _Emily couldn't hide the look of shock that graced her features. "Not even by yourself?" she asked, being purposely vague._

 _JJ shook her head. "I never could. I was always a stereotypical good girl, and then my first girlfriend kind of ruined sex for me entirely." JJ added, "I'm sorry that I'm putting all this responsibility on you, Em."_

 _The brunette shook her head again. "No, I'm glad. I mean, I'm not glad about what you've been through, but I think I'm the right person to help you through all this. And you will._ We'll _get through it all. I promise."_

 _"I broke up with Elizabeth about four years ago after she tied me to the bed. She said she was 'spicing' up our sex life, but really, it was to keep me under her control. If I thought I had the right to say no, I never would have let her do it."_

 _Emily brushed JJ's hair behind her left ear. "It won't be that way with us," she assured her girlfriend softly. "I'm going to make sure you learn it doesn't have to be like that. I would never do something if I thought there was even a possibility that it would hurt you and I would never do anything unless I was absolutely sure you wanted it to happen."_

 _JJ sighed. "I know that. I really do."_

 _Emily shook her head, smiling sadly. "You know that logically. But we both know that fear isn't logical."_

* * *

"Did the video say where we should start?" Emily asked after a few minutes of love-filled staring.

"Well," JJ started. "We're kind of already past the beginning steps. I, um, I don't usually flinch when you touch me unless I'm really out of it or being triggered by something else. We could probably start with more advanced stuff."

Emily began to worry that JJ was going to use some expert's advice as an excuse to move forward faster than she was ready for. "Okay, Jen, I don't know what you or your videos tell you is an advanced healing exercise, but no one's clothes come off for the next few months at least. That's _my_ rule –and I'm an expert on _you_."

JJ gave a small nod before speaking. "I wasn't suggesting that we get naked today, Em. I'm just saying we can usually hold hands and hug without any problems."

"Alright," Emily said, relieved. "I got a little scared there for a minute."

"I could tell," JJ laughed.

Emily smiled with her wife before sobering. "We need to address your nightmare in some way, sweetheart."

"I know we do," JJ replied, closing her laptop and placing it on her bedside table. "And we need to talk about it."

"We slept in the same bed last night, and here we are now," Emily observed, squeezing the hand that was already in her hand, draped around her wife's shoulder. "So, I'm guessing the conscious fear for the most part is gone."

"Yeah," JJ agreed. "I don't know. I mean, I know I'm not completely over it, but I really don't feel afraid at all. What does that mean?"

Emily let out a short chuckle. "I don't know, honey. I think it's something we're going to have to heal in stages, just like everything else." JJ heard her wife using "we" instead of "you", which is something she did a lot and JJ always recognized. It was a show of her wife standing with her always and it did not go unnoticed. "I just need to know you're not hiding a blatant fear of me because that would be _extremely_ counterproductive."

JJ nodded. "Yeah, it would be, and I'm not. I feel very safe right now, Emily. Safer than I've felt in a really long time, since before…" she trailed off.

"That makes me happy. All I want is for you to feel safe, love."

"I know, baby," JJ replied, lifting the hand joined with her and pressing a kiss to each individual knuckle. "And I'm glad we've talked about this, considering I've been putting it off since we ran into Erin yesterday."

"How are you feeling about her by the way?"

JJ nodded. "Okay. Really. Honestly, it's the one thing I feel completely good about right now." She paused before chuckling. "You really scared her."

"Damn right, I did. I'm fucking scary."

"Sometimes. Most of the time, you're a big teddy bear."

"A teddy bear that would rip a bitch's throat out," Emily clarified with a light-hearted smile.

That night, the two fell asleep in a tight embrace, not because it was a touch exercise, which it was, but because they wanted to, and both were grateful that they could.

 **AN: What did you think? Please let me know what you think about the story and about what I asked at the beginning. What do you want to happen next? Thank you everyone who is still reading a reviewing!**


	17. Chapter 17

Strength and Courage

Chapter 17

 **AN: Here is chapter 17. The flashbacks in this chapter don't really go hand in hand with the current portion of the story, but I wanted to give some more background of the Shaffer case before JJ tells her side of the story in court. So the flashback portions of this chapter as well as next chapter will be about the beginning of the case. It also gives me the chance to write some for the team, which I like, but I'm kind of afraid I write them out of character. Oh well. Hope it's still okay. I also kind of delved into JJ's sexual healing journey in this chapter. I hope it reads well. Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

 _"Hey, lovebirds," JJ and Emily heard come from Garcia. "We have a case."_

 _"Be there in a minute, Pen," JJ answered her friend with a smile._

 _It was a Monday morning in the BAU and the entire team could feel it. The female profilers were especially tired because they had been up much of the night before._

 _"So, what were you saying about that nightmare, Jen?" Emily asked her wife with concern._

 _JJ had woken up with a start at about three in the morning because of a familiar but rare nightmare. It had startled the blonde more than it had in the past because JJ hadn't experienced this particular dream since right after she married Emily._

 _"Yeah, I don't know what brought it on. I haven't dreamt about…about them in years, Em." JJ shook her head, confused._

 _"Yeah, it's odd," Emily agreed, placing a gentle hand to her wife's upper arm. "We need to be in the roundtable room. Let me know if you need a break or want to talk about it more, okay?"_

 _JJ nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, of course."_

 _"So, we have a case right here in the D.C. area," Hotch explained as Garcia distributed iPads. "Last month, thirty-seven-year-old Annabelle Sorrento went missing from her home in Columbia Heights. Her partner returned home to see evidence of a struggle and called the police." Garcia pressed a button on her remote to show a picture of the victim before and after her untimely demise. "She was found by the highway ten days after her abduction. She was strangled with a wire."_

 _JJ couldn't hold back a gasp as she took in the similarities between herself and the woman. Emily saw the same thing her wife did, but was able to hold in a reaction._

 _"There's significant overkill here," Rossi observed._

 _"Actually, it looks like most of the wounds were inflicted ante-mortem," Reid corrected._

 _"Sexual assault?" Emily asked, reaching under the table to squeeze her wife's hand. JJ was always a little more on edge when the victims looked like her or when there was a sexual component to the crimes, and the brunette couldn't deny it was disconcerting for her too._

 _Morgan was the one to take the plunge and look through the digital file in order to answer Emily's question. His eyes widened after a moment and he gave a slow nod. "That rules out impotence."_

 _JJ spoke for the first time. "I'm guessing we're not being asked to solve a single murder," she assumed._

 _Penelope nodded and stood up. "Correct as usual, my blonde beauty. In fact, there has been total of three murders in the past month matching this unsub's M.O."_

 _"He's escalating," Hotch said._

 _Garcia continued briefing the team about the case. "Thirty-four-year-old Sasha Lewis disappeared from a bar in Georgetown a day after Annabelle's body was found. She was discovered disposed of the same way a week later. And thirty-nine-year-old Elizabeth Wagner disappeared from Dupont Circle the day after that. Her body was found yesterday, five days after Sasha's."_

 _"It took DC PD three victims before they called us in?" Morgan asked, upset._

 _"They didn't want to connect the cases until Elizabeth's body was found," Hotch explained._

 _"Were any of the other victims gay?" Rossi asked, trying to connect the victims._

 _Hotch shook his head. "No, Sasha Lewis was married to a man, and there's nothing here to suggest the other two women were. Still, it could be a good place to start."_

 _"Wait, if the latest victim was found yesterday, that means a new woman should be abducted today, if his pattern holds," JJ said._

 _Garcia nodded sadly, before pressing a button on the remote. "Ivana Melekov, thirty-five-years-old, disappeared this morning from Buena Vista."_

 _"Which means we probably have two or three days to solve this case, if we're lucky," added Reid._

 _"We definitely need to get started as quickly as possible," Hotch agreed. "Morgan, you and Reid go talk to the M.E. Dave, come with me to the latest abduction site. JJ, Emily, I want you two to go talk to the first victim's partner. Garcia, set up at the station and we'll regroup there in a few hours."_

 _The team began to disperse, but their unit chief stopped them. "One more thing. I'm sure we've all noticed the similarities between these women and JJ. Because this case is one that is quite literally close to home, JJ, I don't want you to leave the police station unaccompanied. It's very possible that you are an intended victim, or the ultimate target."_

 _The blonde profiler nodded in compliance. Usually, JJ would have argued with her boss, but she was feeling nervous this morning, partly because of her nightmare, partly because of the women whose murders she was about to solve, and partly because she had a sinking feeling in her stomach that this wasn't just an ordinary serial murder case._

* * *

Two weeks before the trial was set to begin, JJ and Emily were lounging on the couch in their living room doing one of their touch exercises. They had been doing one every day for the past couple of weeks and it seemed to be going well. JJ hadn't made much progress on the relearning touch exercises she was supposed to do herself, though. In fact, the blonde had barely been able to trace a finger deliberately along the scar on her arm before she got physically sick.

This wasn't unexpected on JJ's part though. She had always had problems with her body, and she had lots of shame when it came to sex and sexual contact, much of which started with Erin's abuse.

Today, though, JJ was content to lie in her wife's arms while she gently moved the fingers of her right hand along her bare stomach. "You doing okay? Emily asked softly.

JJ nodded lightly with a small shiver, which didn't go unnoticed by Emily. "Was that a good reaction or a bad reaction?" Reactions like the one JJ just had worried Emily, but she kept up a slow movement of her hand, wanting JJ to ask her to stop if that's what she needed.

"Good," JJ replied with a forceful exhale.

The two women had progressed through the more simple exercises fairly quickly, things like hugging, back and arm rubs, and hand holding were no big feats for JJ; she had been relatively comfortable with those touches almost immediately after her rescue, as long as Emily had been the one behind them.

Recently, they had moved on to more intricate and intimate touches, some of which made JJ very uncomfortable. Emily had learned pretty fast that touching her wife's neck, especially with a hand, triggered JJ enormously. Touches around her ribcage and abdomen frightened the younger woman as well, but it wasn't bad enough that JJ wasn't willing to work with it for a little while.

"Let me know if you need to stop," Emily lovingly reminded JJ after a minute.

"I'm okay, Em," JJ assured.

JJ shivered again. It went unspoken, but both women knew JJ was beginning to become aroused by the touch. Emily knew she'd have to stop pretty soon, not wanting to make her wife any more uncomfortable than she was already. The brunette knew this was a huge step in her wife's recovery and it was something she should encourage, but she was also hesitant to knowingly turn JJ on at all when she knew the former media liaison would have to remain in that state.

The blonde laughed at her own expense. "We're getting pretty good at these exercises, huh?" She struggled to hold back a sigh when Emily's fingers grazed a particularly sensitive spot. "I'm guessing that clothes will be gone by the end of the trial." JJ was trying to keep the mood light, but she couldn't help the hint of hope, or the slight tremble, in her voice.

Emily allowed herself to laugh. "You wish."

"I do," JJ sighed.

Emily decided that now was the time to still her hand. She didn't lift it from her wife's skin, but laid it flat, and took a moment to watch it rise and fall rapidly along with JJ's ribcage.

She reached down to place a light kiss on JJ's head. "I know you do," Emily spoke gently. "I do too, love." She moved her hand from JJ's stomach and pulled her shirt down.

Emily's agreement caused JJ to perk her head up. "How long do you think it's going to take?" she asked.

Emily smiled lovingly. "I don't know, Jennifer. You're doing so well with these exercises, but I don't think we should name a date or put a rush on it."

JJ took Emily's hands in hers and wrapped both set of arms around herself. "You think maybe by our anniversary?"

"That's less than six months away, Jen. I don't know if that's realistic at all."

"Can we try though? I think I can do it, I really do."

Emily hadn't heard this level of confidence from JJ in a while, and although it was refreshing, it was also concerning to her. If JJ had sex with Emily before she was ready, it could cause her progress to be negated, or worse. "We'll see. I won't rule it out, but I won't make any promises about trying until at least after the trial. We don't know how it'll affect you."

JJ looked down. "This is the first time you've agreed with me about wishing we could have sex. I was beginning to worry that you really didn't want me anymore."

Emily pulled out from her position of half behind, half below JJ. "Hey," she said gently, cradling her wife's face in her hands. "I promise that I am as attracted to you now as I was before. I've been focusing on helping you get better and not being afraid of sex or associating it with pain, and maybe I haven't been paying enough attention to your other fears and insecurities. That was my mistake. I try, but I'm not perfect." A lone tear began to roll down JJ's cheek, and Emily caught it with her thumb. "I'm so sorry if you really thought that I don't want you. I promise that it's not true."

"I'm scared I'm never going to be able to be with you again," JJ choked out.

Emily could tell her wife needed to cry. There was an almost desperate plea in her eyes. The brunette decided to wrap JJ up in her arms. "Let it out," she whispered into her ear before pressing a light kiss to the lobe.

It had been an exhausting day, especially for the blonde, and crying was the best option she had for release. She hadn't cried since before she confronted the woman who first abused her, which meant everything that happened since then, including all the touch exercises, was still stuck inside her mind, unable to escape. JJ was still holding back; it was evident in the tenseness in her body and in how she hadn't responded to the hug at all.

"Jennifer," Emily spoke with emotion, "you need this, baby. Come on, just let go." The dam seemed to waver a little as one strangled sob escaped JJ's mouth.

Emily knew that her words were helping her wife release all that was pent up inside of her, so she continued to encourage her, to give her permission to let go. "Let go of Erin, let go of your fear. I love you, Jen." The blonde relaxed slightly into the embrace, and a steady stream of tears were released. "There you go, sweetheart. I'm right here. Just cry."

At the final statement, JJ's grip on her wife strengthened, which in turn, strengthened Emily's grip on JJ. "We'll get there, my love. I promise."

* * *

 _The door was answered almost immediately. "Laura Rogers?" Emily asked._

 _The woman nodded but did not speak. The women showed their badges as JJ spoke. "I'm Agent Jennifer Jareau and this is Agent Emily Prentiss. We're with the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit."_

 _Laura nodded again. "Yes, Detective Elliott said you were coming." The woman sniffed. "Come on in."_

 _JJ and Emily could tell that Laura was beautiful,_ was _being the operative word. The woman looked like she hadn't slept in weeks and spent her entire life in tears, which could have very well been so._

 _Laura guided the agents into her living room. Pictures of her and Annabelle together lined the walls of the room and the women couldn't help but look at them._

" _You look so much like her," Laura addressed JJ eventually._

 _JJ nodded. "Yeah, I can see the resemblance," she agreed. "Can Em-er, Agent Prentiss and I ask you some questions?" she asked, almost letting her wife's first name slip._

" _Of course. Anything to help you catch that monster."_

 _The agents went through the procedure of asking questions, and nothing alarming was brought up until Emily asked, "Can you think of anyone who would have wanted to hurt your partner?"_

" _We were actually legally married a week before she…was abducted," Laura corrected._

" _Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize," Emily apologized._

" _It's alright," Laura said. "Actually, that reminds me. A lot of people at Annie's work weren't happy about our marriage. D.C. isn't an overly religious place, but some of her colleagues are traditionalists. Honestly, it's the only motive I can think of, and I have a Bachelor's in Criminal Justice. Which is why I think the attack was a hate crime."_

 _Emily and JJ shared a look, both becoming more concerned for themselves and the women of D.C. "Are you sure it's the only thing you can think of?" JJ asked gently. They were hesitant to investigate this as a hate crime, especially because there was no evidence the other three victims were gay._

 _The widow nodded vigorously. "Anyone who took the time to know Annabelle, truly know her, loved her. She was the kindest woman. Please catch the monster who killed my wife," Laura begged._

" _We're going to do everything we can," JJ assured. Her time as media liaison didn't prepare her for this, didn't prepare her to console a woman who could so easily be Emily. Laura Rogers looked like Emily almost like Annabelle Sorrento looked like JJ. The blonde stood up and gestured for Emily to do the same._

" _You two are married, aren't you?" Laura asked once all three women were on their feet._

" _How did you know?" Emily asked._

 _Laura spoke to JJ: "You look at her like Annie used to look at me."_

 **AN: What did you think? Did you like the conversation between Emily and JJ in the current section? What do you think about the flashback? Is there anything you'd like to see for the case? Or the trial coming up? Let me know!**


	18. Chapter 18

Strength and Courage

Chapter 18

 **AN: Here is chapter 18. The flashback picks up where it left off last chapter, with the continuation of the Shaffer case. One more chapter before the trial starts! I want to remind you all that I am aware of what a sensitive subject this is, and I am doing my best to write this story with consideration and care. I'm also not an expert on murder or rape trials, but I am doing my best. So please review and let me know what you think and what you want to happen!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

"When do you meet with the attorney, Jenny?" Annie asked her daughter one afternoon a few days before the trial was set to start.

"Tomorrow morning," JJ replied, sipping a glass of water.

"How are you feeling about that?" the blonde's mother asked gently.

"Okay," she sighed. "I mean, I'm kind of nervous, but it's not like Shaffer is going to get away with it all. He's confessed to killing the first four victims."

"But he hasn't confessed to abducting you or anything else?"

JJ shook her head. "He hasn't. Emily and Morgan found him in his basement with me tied up, so I don't know why he hasn't confessed. I'm sure it has to do with whatever his defense is."

"He's not claiming insanity?" Annie questioned.

"These are the things I'll find out tomorrow."

"Emily is coming with you to meet the attorney, right?"

"Of course," JJ responded. "Strauss and Hotch have given her flexible hours until after the trial. Apparently, the bureau values both of us very much."

"Well, of course they do!" Annie exclaimed. "You are both incredibly talented agents. Have you spoken to Agent Hotchner about your return to the BAU?"

"Yeah, well, we told you that we all collectively decided to extend my leave to at least after the trial, especially after my reaction to my first case back, but I haven't really thought about when I'll go back. We'll see." The blonde profiler shrugged.

"But you want to return eventually?" Annie asked.

"Of course I do. I belong there. And I want to get back as soon as possible. It's hard being home all day while Emily is at work." JJ smiled. "But I'm glad I at least have you to spend time with. How's the apartment search by the way?"

"It's going well. I found something that I'm interested in, and I'll probably know whether or not I got in in a few days."

JJ opened her mouth to reply, but was interrupted by the ping of her phone, notifying her that she had received a text message:

 _Hey love. Leaving work now. Gonna stop at the store. Do you need anything? Miss you xoxo._

JJ smiled wide before typing:

 _Just you. Xoxo._

"Text from Emily?" Annie asked, knowing that Emily was the only person that could make her daughter smile that big.

JJ nodded. "She's on her way home." Her phone pinged again.

 _Do you need anything for tomorrow?_

JJ typed:

 _Again, just you._

* * *

 _The profilers of the BAU were beginning to become really frustrated. They had been working on this case for almost twenty-four hours non-stop now, and they had hardly any leads. Worse was during the night, Ivana Melekov's body was found—disposed in the way was as the other women._

 _The team knew their unsub was escalating, the time he was spending with each victim decreasing, but the trauma inflicted was still increasing. Not only this, but it meant that a new victim would be abducted within hours._

 _This wasn't the only bad news. In the early morning hours, an envelope was anonymously delivered to the police station._

 _"Guys!" Morgan called. "One of the rookies handed this to me, said a guy gave it to him and said it should go to one of the agents in the BAU," he informed as he opened the envelope and the team gathered around._

 _"It's addressed to JJ," Garcia observed._

 _Emily immediately yanked the paper out of her partner's hand. "What?"_

 _JJ was standing behind her wife and read behind her shoulder: "Looking forward to meeting you soon."_

 _"Alright, that's it." Emily threw her hands up in anger and frustration. "Someone dust that thing for prints. Jennifer, you need to stay in here."_

 _"Emily-" Hotch began._

 _"No, Hotch. We thought Jen might have been a target, and now we know she is."_

 _JJ was oblivious to the conversation because she had completely zoned out. She had never been an intended victim, and she had never faced an unsub alone._

 _"Emily, I was going to agree with you, but you have to be professional in we're going to solve this case efficiently. JJ, you need to stay in a room with no windows in this station, okay?"_

 _JJ nodded absently and Emily moved to wrap an arm around her. Normally, the couple remained professional in the field, but no one blamed Emily for breaking the rule right now. The brunette spoke softly to her wife. "We'll have someone with you at all times, Jen. It'll be okay. We'll catch this son of a bitch and then we'll go home."_

 _JJ nodded absently again, but this time offered her wife an unconvincing smile._

 _"Emily, you will stay with her first," Hotch informed. "We'll meet at the BAU in two hours."_

 _Everyone nodded or replied their affirmations and then split up. Two hours later, they met in Quantico and Reid was given the next watch. It had been hours since JJ had seen her wife or anyone else on her team and she was getting frustrated. She felt like she was being left out because her colleagues didn't think she could handle the risk involved._

 _The blonde profiler decided to get some air, to prove to her team she was as capable of handling herself as Emily and Morgan were. Reid was completely entranced in a file and a book, probably related to the case, so he didn't notice JJ sneak out of the room._

 _No one noticed JJ as she made her way through the bullpen, through security, and then out the main entrance._

 _A man approached her almost immediately. He was in a police uniform, and in her blind desire to prove herself, JJ instantly trusted him. "Excuse me, agent, are you one of the profilers working the case with the four murdered women?" he asked._

 _JJ nodded. "I am."_

 _"Great! I need you to come with me; I found something that may be relevant to the case."_

 _Usually, JJ would have realized that the situation was suspicious, but she wasn't in her usual state. She was desperate for a lead, and so she went with him. She didn't see the danger, nor did she see the camera or the syringe. And she definitely didn't see the big green eyes that would surely haunt her forever._

* * *

"Are you nervous?" Emily asked as the pulled into the parking lot of the place they would be meeting the prosecuting attorney for the Shaffer case.

JJ nodded, but did not speak. After she put the car in park, Emily reached over to take her wife's hand. "You don't have to testify, you know. That man will never see the light of day outside a prison yard again." It was difficult for Emily to even refer to Shaffer as a human being, and it was evident in the face she made as she said the words 'that man'.

"I know that, Em," JJ replied. "I want to. Kind of like how I needed to talk to Erin. I need him to know I don't believe the things he said to me, I need him to know that I am proud of our relationship and our love."

Emily nodded. "Okay. I'll be here through it all, I promise." She brushed a hair from JJ's face and then got out of the car, getting to JJ's side of the car before she was able to open the door. Emily opened the car door for her, taking her hand and helping her out, before slamming the door and leading her wife into the building.

JJ stood slightly behind Emily as they approached the front desk of the building, allowing herself to feel completely protected by her wife.

Emily spoke when they arrived at the desk. "I'm SSA Emily Prentiss and this is SSA Jennifer Jareau-"

"Yes," the woman behind the desk interrupted, not letting Emily finish before recognizing she knew who they were. "Mr. Reynolds's office is just that way. He'll be waiting for you," she said, gesturing in the direction they were to go.

"Thank you," Emily replied politely. The brunette did not release her wife's hand as the two walked towards the office. When they reached the door, Emily knocked.

"Come in!" They heard from inside the room.

Emily turned to her wife and gave her a reassuring smile before opening the door and walking in.

"SSAs Prentiss and Jareau," the man greeted, shaking their hands. Emily allowed herself to release her wife's hand from her clutch so they could get settled in room. "I am Prosecuting Attorney Marc Reynolds. It's a pleasure to meet you both. I'm sorry it's under such unfortunate circumstances," he apologized, looking sympathetically at JJ for a moment as he sat down.

"I apologize for the clutter," Mr. Reynolds said. "I've been in meetings since eight with people involved in the case. Annabelle Sorrento's wife just left."

JJ saw the falter in Emily's eyes as the man spoke. The blonde reached across the two single-person couches to take her hand. Laura Rogers was a sensitive subject, especially for Emily, as she knew how close she had become to being in her exact situation.

Marc Reynolds was an experienced prosecutor and was specifically chosen for this case because of his expertise in prosecuting hate crimes.

"So, the first thing I thought we should go over is what the defense is planning on arguing. Is that okay?"

Mr. Reynolds had thoroughly read the case file and wasn't going to ask the women to recount their experiences. He felt that would be almost cruel.

The women nodded and Mr. Reynolds began speaking. "Alright, well, I've spoken to Mr. Shaffer's defense attorney and I'm not going to lie—he's a looney tune. Shaffer hired an attorney affiliated with the FRC because his backup argument is a religious one."

"Would that hold up in court?" Emily asked.

"Of course not," Reynolds replied. "The man's delusional."

"So, what's the point of the religious defense?" JJ asked quietly, not making eye contact with the attorney.

"Shaffer and his DA seem to think it's worth pursuing, but only as a last resort," Mr. Reynolds explained slowly, trying his best to make sure JJ felt comfortable with him. He had represented many rape victims over the years and understood the resistance JJ had when it came to asking questions and confiding in him.

"Well, then, what's his primary defense?" Emily questioned.

"As you both know," the man started, "Shaffer has confessed to the murders of Annabelle Sorrento, Sasha Lewis, Elizabeth Wagner, and Ivana Melekov. He has not confessed to the abduction of Agent Jareau, nor has he confessed to any of the sexual assaults."

"But there's proof of that," JJ argued. "They did a rape kit on me, and there was evidence on the other victims." JJ hated referring to herself as a victim, but she knew she had to now in order to get justice for herself.

"He's claiming it was all consensual," Mr. Reynolds said.

JJ couldn't help the bile rising in her throat and she struggled not to vomit. Emily immediately tightened her hand around JJ's. "It…it wasn't," JJ choked out.

Mr. Reynolds nodded. "I know that, and I don't want to be one of those prosecutors who tells survivors they won't get a conviction. I think we have enough proof, especially because the first four women turned up mutilated and dead. The only dilemma I anticipate having involves the DA's claim that you went with Shaffer willingly."

"I didn't," JJ asserted.

"The problem with that is you have said more than once that you don't remember anything from the time you left the BAU until you woke up in Shaffer's basement, and he claims to have proof you went with him willingly."

"I wouldn't have gone with him. I couldn't have." JJ looked at Emily with a panicked look on her face, distraught over the fact that she couldn't remember how she ended up restrained in that basement. "Could I?"

 **AN: Just a reminder, FRC stands for Family Research Council and they are a hate group. What did you think? What do you want to happen in the next chapter/in the trial? Please let me know. I need some ideas. Thank you!**


	19. Chapter 19

Strength and Courage

Chapter 19

 **AN: Here is chapter 19! It took me a week to update and I'm sorry about that. I've been really busy with school and I just wanted to go to bed every night this week so I haven't been able to write. It's almost time for fall break (after this week) so I'll do my best to update during the week, but I might not be able to until the weekend-it's going to be a really important chapter! Thank you for being patient with me. Next chapter will start the trial.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

After Emily and JJ returned from their meeting with Mr. Reynolds, JJ wordlessly retreated into the bedroom. Her wife knew better than to follow her. Sometimes JJ just needed some time to think; she had always been something of an introvert, and was even more so after her abduction.

After a few hours, the brunette decided it was a good idea to check on her wife just to make sure she was alright.

When she entered the bedroom she shared with JJ, she was met with a strange sight. The blonde was sitting on their bed in nothing but underwear and she was staring intently at the scar on her forearm. Not wanting to scare her, Emily didn't say anything, but instead made her way slowly into the room until her wife noticed her and looked up. "You okay?" she asked gently.

JJ nodded, failing to convince herself or her wife that she was telling the truth. "Yeah," she blinked, trying to fight tears.

"It's okay to not be, you know," Emily reminded softly.

JJ nodded once again, this time agreeing with Emily. "I know. I'm sorry." She shook her head, letting out a laugh at her expense.

Emily sat down on the bed next to JJ. "We'll touch on the fact that you need to stop apologizing later, but for now, do you want to tell me what you were doing?"

"Um," she started, "I was trying to do one of those relearning touch exercises. It didn't really work out."

Emily nodded in understanding. "Why do you think it didn't work out?" The profiler was pretty sure she knew the answers to the questions she was asking, but she thought her wife would feel more comfortable talking about what she was feeling if she prompted her a little.

"I'm not feeling so great about myself right now," JJ started to explain.

"Well, I think I can understand why," Emily said. "Do you want to talk about it?" Emily reached to the floor below her and grabbed the T-Shirt her wife was probably wearing before she decided to try a touch exercise.

"What if I went with him willingly, Em?" JJ asked as she pulled on the shirt her wife handed her.

"I really don't think you did, Jen."

"But Reynolds says that Shaffer's defense attorney has proof that I did. That he has video."

"He could just be trying to scare you since you don't remember," Emily attempted to comfort.

"But what if that's not true. You said it yourself," JJ pointed out. "I don't remember."

"Okay," Emily said, sitting up straighter on her knees. "Let's assume for a minute that you went with Shaffer of your own volition. He used a rouse. That still doesn't excuse what he did."

"But he's also saying that what happened…was consensual. That I wanted it. And if I went will him willingly for whatever reason-"

Emily didn't let JJ finish her sentence. "No. Jen, don't even go there. You're going to drive yourself crazy for no reason. Seriously, baby. You need to stop." Emily sat back down on top of her thighs and reached out to take her wife's hand. "Nothing that happened to you that day was your fault. You didn't want any of it and you didn't cause any of it. And I know deep down, you know that."

JJ nodded. "I'm not going to feel any better about it until I see that video."

"You only have to wait three more days. And hopefully within a week, he'll be sentenced and it will all be over."

"It'll never truly be over though, will it?" JJ asked with a sigh.

Emily didn't answer. She didn't need to.

* * *

 _JJ looked at the calendar in Emily's kitchen as she braced herself for what she was about to tell her girlfriend. It was a week away from her and Emily's four month anniversary and the blonde new exactly what she wanted for a present._

 _The BAU's former media liaison had absorbed herself into more healthy forms of research and had gotten to the point where she really felt ready to take the next step. The only roadblock she anticipated was Emily's reaction._

 _JJ didn't blame her girlfriend for being cautious. The first time they'd tried to have sex, JJ had a full blown panic attack which lead to Emily finding out more about the women who had hurt her. It was not a pleasant night for either women and neither wanted to repeat it._

 _JJ's initial request shocked Emily and the second time was even worse. It took a few seconds for Emily to reply and when she did, she said something neither women was expecting: "Okay."_

 _The blonde was too busy preparing to be shot down to notice her girlfriend's answer or the significance of it. After her ears caught up with her brain, she stammered. "What?"_

 _Emily nodded. "If you think we're ready, we can definitely try again. But not tonight. The first time we tried, it was kind of spontaneous and I think that's one of the things that made it turn awful. Neither of us were prepared. We'll talk about it more early in the day tomorrow and if you're still feeling like you want to, we can try tomorrow night." Emily nodded her head again, seemingly satisfied and proud of her response._

 _"But don't be afraid to change your mind," she added after a moment of silence._

 _"I'm not," JJ replied. "But can I ask for something tonight?"_

 _"I mean, that really depends on what it is," Emily said with a light smiled, "but I don't see why not."_

 _"Can we take a bath together?"_

 _"Hmm," Emily mused. "You're full of the unexpected tonight."_

 _"Well, I just figured that maybe it would make me more comfortable if-"_

 _"Hey," Emily interrupted gently. "You don't have to explain yourself. I totally get it, and I think it's a great idea."_

 _"Really?" JJ asked._

 _Emily laughed. "Really. Come on." Emily took her girlfriend's hand and led her into her en suite bathroom._

 _Once they arrived, the two began to undress each other wordlessly. JJ and Emily didn't speak as Emily ran the tap of her rather large bathtub and got some towels out of her closet. Finally, the two shared a gaze and words were silently exchanged before Emily stepped into the tub and then offered her girlfriend a hand to help her in. Emily sat with her back against the tub, pulling JJ to her and wrapping her arms around her protectively, yet still loosely so the blonde didn't feel trapped._

 _JJ had anticipated this would be an awkward task, but she was pleasantly surprised and relieved that it was one of the most natural things she'd done in a while. Emily made her feel that way. She made sure her girlfriend knew that even if it seemed otherwise, JJ was in charge of everything they did together and it made the blonde feel so incredibly safe, she could barely handle the intensity of the feeling._

 _This is why she knew the two were ready to have sex. It had been years since JJ had felt completely safe and she had never felt that way with a girlfriend._

 _It was a new feeling, but it was something JJ instinctively recognized as right, and although she tried, she knew there was no way to express this trust with words. So she would use her actions._

* * *

The day before the trial was set to begin, JJ once again retreated into her bedroom, and as usual, Emily let her. Emily had been sitting on the couch in their living room for some time when her phone rang. "Hello?"

"Prentiss, it's Hotch," she heard on the other end.

"Is everything okay, Hotch?" the brunette asked. The BAU's unit chief wasn't one for social calls so Emily assumed there was an urgent reason for the contact.

"Everything is fine, Prentiss. I wanted to let you know that I just got off the phone with Marc Reynolds."

"Oh," Emily said with a slight question in her voice.

"I'm calling to tell you that he asked for the presence of the entire team tomorrow morning."

"Really?" Emily questioned.

"Yes," Hotch replied. "No one but JJ, you, and possibly I will be asked to testify, but Reynolds thought having the entire team there would intimidate Shaffer's attorney and would possibly help to persuade the jury."

"Okay," Emily replied. "Is that all?"

Hotch nodded before realizing his agent and friend couldn't see him. He had been having a hard time sleeping for the past few days, gearing up for the trial and hopefully a sentencing, and he could barely see straight due to exhaustion. "If you and/or JJ aren't comfortable with all of us being there, we understand."

"No, we both want you there. JJ needs all the support she can get. Really, Hotch. I appreciate it a lot."

"Of course, Emily. I might seem hard on the outside, but on the inside-"

The brunette interrupted her boss with a laugh. "You're a fluffy teddy bear."

"I wouldn't go that far, Prentiss," he warned holding back a smile. "How is JJ doing tonight, by the way?"

"I don't really know, Hotch," Emily replied. "She's been in our room for a while. I'm about to go check on her and suggest she try to get some sleep."

"Alright, I'm with Dave and Strauss right now. They send their love. We'll all see you tomorrow, Prentiss."

"Goodnight, Hotch," Emily said, fighting the urge to ask with a laugh about Strauss sending her love.

After hanging up the phone, Emily walked upstairs to her bedroom. The door to their bathroom was closed and Emily knocked. "Jen?"

"I'm in the tub," she replied.

Emily noticed her wife didn't sound panicked or like she was crying, but along with relief, she felt confusion. "Can I come in?" she asked hesitantly.

"Sure," JJ replied.

Emily waited a moment and then opened the door and walked in, closing the door behind her. JJ was sitting in the bathtub, looking rather calm.

Neither spoke for a moment as Emily stood by the door, not sure if she should walk further into the room. "You can come in a little further, you know," JJ invited with a light laugh.

So Emily did. She walked to the bathtub and sat down beside it. "How are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm okay," JJ replied. "I actually was thinking before about the night before we had sex for the first time, you know, about how we took a bath together. It really did me some good and I thought a bath would help me clear my head." She paused before adding, "There's only one thing missing from this picture."

"Wait," Emily said. "You want me to get in there with you?" she asked.

"I do," JJ replied with a smile, lifting a soapy hand from the water and placed it on her wife's cheek. "I wouldn't ask if I didn't think it was something I could handle," she explained, knowing Emily would be hesitant because of the way she had been reacting to the touch exercises recently.

Emily nodded and stood up. She began to undress and JJ allowed herself to appreciate the sight in front of her. The brunette looked into her wife's eyes, silently asking for permission before receiving a nod and stepping into the water behind her. They situated themselves and JJ fully relaxed into her wife's embrace.

This was what she needed. JJ smiled to herself, knowing that whatever tomorrow threw at her, she would get through it as long as she was in Emily's arms.

 **AN: I hope it was worth the wait. I want to let you know that the next chapter will feature the beginning of the trial as well as a flashback of their first time having sex. I wanted to use the juxtaposition of what happened with Shaffer and Emily being…well, perfect. I don't know how detailed it will be because I've never written sex before and I don't know how comfortable I'll be with it, but there will be a first time scene in the next chapter, which will be up probably end of the week/beginning of the weekend. Let me know what you want to see happen in the trial or anything else you want to happen in the story. Please review and let me know! Thanks!**


	20. Chapter 20

Strength and Courage

Chapter 20

 **AN: Here's chapter 20. I hope this is the chapter we've all been waiting for. I'm really proud of getting to chapter 20 and I think I'll get to at least chapter 30 before starting a sequel. Anyway, I'm about to write the actual chapter you see below this-featuring a little of the beginning of the trial and Emily and JJ's first time. I'm a little nervous because I want to do this well. Wish me luck!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

 _JJ woke up the next morning to an empty bed. The two had been sleeping together-in the literal sense-for a few weeks now, at least every few days. She saw a piece of paper on Emily's side of the bed and picked it up in order to read it. It was a note:_

Jen,

I've gone to run a few necessary errands. There are pancakes on the stove.

There are also bath salts and a variety of creams in the bathroom—use them to relax.

Please take care of yourself—don't hesitate to call if you need me.

I should be home by early afternoon and then we'll talk.

I love you more than there are stars in the sky.

xoxoxo Your Emily xoxoxo

 _JJ sighed contentedly and then looked to the clock on the side table where she found the note. It was a little after ten in the morning. This meant she probably had a few hours to center herself before Emily got home. She was feeling anxious but she had never been more convinced that she was ready to have sex with Emily._

 _The blonde decided to text her girlfriend to let her know she was awake and had received the note Emily had left for her._

 _She reached for her phone and typed:_

Good morning, beautiful. I just saw your sweet note. Thank you for being you, as always. I'm going to go eat some of your delicious pancakes. Xoxoxo

 _JJ took her phone with her down the stairs in case Emily replied and then did just as she said she would. Both women were the masters of breakfast, but Emily's pancakes were beyond compare and she knew it. Halfway through her meal, the new profiler's phone vibrated._

Good to know you're still alive, my love. I'll probably be home around 2 or 3. You planning on taking the bath I recommended?

 _JJ swallowed the bite of food she had in her mouth and then typed,_

Probably, but it won't be as good as the bath I had last night….

 _As she was cleaning up after herself, her phone vibrated once more._

There will be many baths in our future, sweetie. Try to relax some and I'll be there with you before you know it. By the way, I'll have food. Is Chinese okay?

 _JJ smiled at her girlfriend's loving words before sending a quick reply that Chinese was more than okay and walking upstairs, her heartbeat quickening with each step._

 _The blonde didn't know how her girlfriend could have done all this without her waking up. She never knew she was that heavy of a sleeper. Emily had literally spread flower petals along the bathroom floor and placed two candles on the counter (which were not lighted-Emily just left a lighter next to them-out of precaution). There was a note next to the candles._

My beautiful Jennifer,

I'm hoping you've gotten enough sleep and some food.

If not, take a nap and/or get those pancakes—you don't want to be uncomfortable today.

I am going to write these things here because I know you're probably freaking out right now—and don't even try to deny it.

It's more than okay for you to be nervous about this—but if you're feeling truly scared, it might not be a good idea. Please think about this as you're taking a bath. Try to figure out how you're really feeling.

And if you decide that you are in fact ready for us to take the next step, that's great and I couldn't be happier.

But if you decide you are not ready-and please be honest with me and yourself-that is perfectly fine too. I promise.

At this point, I just want you to be in tune to what it is you truly want and need—I will give you whatever that is.

Remember all that you deserve and what you are entitled to.

All my love,

Em

 _JJ was overcome with the emotions Emily's words caused in her. The blonde took the bath Emily had so lovingly prepared for her and thought deeply about her situation, about how much she loved Emily and how much she knew Emily loved her._

 _These thoughts made what she wanted and needed abundantly clear. When JJ got out of the bath, it was a little past noon. She padded into the bedroom, taking her phone off the charger and then opening the text app and slowly typing:_

Em, I just took a bath. We're go for launch.

 _JJ smiled, knowing Emily would appreciate the NASA reference and recognize that it meant the blonde was calm enough to make a joke—JJ would never have thought of using a phrase like "we're go for launch" if she were just faking calmness and actually hyperventilating._

 _JJ deserved this. She knew she deserved to be loved and to feel safe. She knew she was entitled to it._

* * *

On the first day of the trial, JJ woke up at an ungodly hour. Emily was, surprisingly, still asleep and JJ was grateful for that. She quickly got out of bed and reached silently into the drawer in her bedside table, foraging for a piece of paper and pen.

 _Em,_ she wrote.

 _I promise I'm okay._

 _I need to get out of this house._

 _I'll drive for a little bit and I'll be back before we have to leave._

 _I'll have my phone with me, so if you need reassurance that I'm okay, call me._

 _There are no words that would be adequate to express my gratitude, so I won't try,_

 _But know that I love you very much._

 _Your Jennifer_

JJ stealthily left the house and drove out into the darkness of the early morning.

She was driving around aimlessly, or so she thought. Eventually, she found herself in front of her mother's apartment. She had never had the option of doing this before, so it surprised her that this is where she ended up. Nevertheless, JJ trusted her instincts before logic, so she turned the car off and sat in the parking lot for several minutes.

The apartment complex Annie lived in was made of dozens of small condominiums and JJ looked up when the lights in her mother's condo were turned on. She waited less than thirty seconds before the door opened. At this, JJ stepped out of her car and walked to her mom.

There was no greeting before Annie asked, "You can't sleep either?"

JJ shook her head. "I've been up for a while. You?"

Annie led her daughter into her house. "I haven't been to sleep at all, actually."

JJ turned around. "You should get some sleep, I should leave," she muttered.

Annie stopped her. "Sweetheart, I wouldn't be sleeping anyway and you know that." It was then that Annie noticed the absence of her daughter-in-law. "Where's Emily?"

"I think I managed to get out of the house without her waking up."

Annie laughed softly. "I doubt that she hasn't woken up. That woman knows everything."

As if on cue, JJ's phone rang. She picked it up, but didn't say anything, fearing Emily would be angry. JJ didn't have to wait long to find out her fears were unfounded, as was usually the case with Emily. Her wife's soft voice was incredibly comforting and JJ couldn't resist its effects. "Are you okay?" it questioned with gentle concern.

"I'm fine, Em," JJ replied, willing her voice to sound just as gentle. "I'm at mom's."

"Alright, Jen," Emily replied with a sigh of relief, knowing her wife was being taken care of. "You need to be home by seven, though, okay?"

JJ nodded as she replied, "I will. Will you please try to get some more sleep?" The blonde didn't like the fact that the two people she loved most in the word couldn't sleep because of her. She didn't know it, but her mom and her wife weren't the only two who were up. Reid was in his apartment reading up on murder and rape trials, Morgan was punching a punching bag, and Garcia was making plans for her families of victims support group. Across town, Hotch was at Strauss and Rossi's reminiscing about old times.

"You're not sleeping, I'm not sleeping," was Emily's matter-of-fact reply. JJ didn't reply, so Emily ended the call with, "see you soon, love you," and hung up.

After JJ moved the phone from her ear, Annie began speaking. "You know, I just realized that you and I haven't really sat down and had a talk about all that's happened. I had a heart-to-heart with Emily a little while back, but you and I never have."

JJ nodded. "I don't know, it's just really hard to talk about," she explained.

"Which is why I'm not going to pressure you to talk to me. The fact that you want me there today is enough for now. But I'll always be your mom and I'll always be there for you."

It was too early for JJ to be sentimental. She knew what this day had in store for her and she couldn't bring herself to use any valuable energy to talk to her mom, even know she knew it was unfair. "I, um, should really get going. I'll see you at the courthouse" she said, and gave her mom a quick hug before leaving.

Emily and JJ arrived at the court just in time. This was bad, however, because it allowed all already in attendance to stare uncomfortably at the federal agent who was also a victim. JJ allowed herself to do the same, recognizing Laura Rogers with the victims' families.

JJ blocked out the beginning of the trial-introductions, summaries, and greetings were unnecessarily painful to be aware of. It wasn't long, however, before JJ was called to the stand by Shaffer's defense attorney. The woman ignored the reassuring squeeze of her hand, not having the physical or emotional energy to squeeze back.

Once seated at the front of the room, it occurred to JJ that she hadn't yet seen Shaffer. This was because of where they were sitting in reference to one another. JJ knew where he was now, though, and refused to make eye contact with him. Shaffer, however, was more than willing to look at the agent, a wicked smile gracing his rough features, and Emily saw it, a quiet protective growl escaping her throat.

Shaffer's attorney didn't waste any more time. "Ms. Jareau," he greeted curtly.

For some reason, her name-her incorrect name- being uttered by this man who prided himself in defending people like Shaffer had an incredible effect on JJ. Instead of causing her to cower in her chair like she expected something like this would cause her to do, she agent sat up straighter, feeling strength surge through her. "That's not my name," she said.

"Well, agent, I assumed since you are here not because you are in the BAU, but because you claim to be a victim, I would use a civilian name."

"If that's what you feel is appropriate, Mr. Davis, it doesn't matter to me, but I do insist on you using my legal name," she asserted.

Emily couldn't help the small smile that formed on her lips, witnessing her wife's bold pride in their marriage.

Mr. Davis looked confused, so JJ kindly explained the situation to him. "I am Agent Jennifer Jareau. I am Mrs. Jennifer Prentiss. Either one of those names work for me, but the one you are currently using to address me is inaccurate and disrespectful."

The defense attorney, flustered, began searching through the file in front of him for anything that would allow him to not recognize JJ's marriage. "Prentiss is the last name of your, um… "wife", as you call her?"

JJ couldn't help her slight amusement at this man's discomfort, still making a point not to meet Shaffer's gaze, which she could definitely feel. "She is not my wife, _as I call her._ She is my wife, plain and simple. Since you seem to care so much about the file in front of you, you'll find a marriage certificate. Emily and I are legally married in the District of Columbia and in this country. Now, as we both know, we are not here to discuss my marriage, so can we please move on, Mr. Davis?"

It was obvious Mr. Davis was not expecting JJ to stand up for herself, and in all honestly, JJ didn't expect it either. She allowed herself to make eye contact with Emily for a moment, and she noticed a wide smile and proud tears streaming down her face.

* * *

 _When Emily got home, JJ was sitting on their couch waiting for her._

 _Emily walked into the kitchen and set bags down before going into the living room and hugging her wife. After a few moments in their embrace, the brunette spoke. "How are you?" she asked._

 _JJ took a deep breath, appreciating being in Emily's arms. "Good," she replied. After she pulled back, she asked Emily, "And how are you?"_

 _Emily laughed lightly. "Very good," she replied with a sweet smile._

" _Did you get me Lo Mein?" was the next thing JJ asked._

 _Emily laughed again. "Of course. I'm gonna go bring some stuff upstairs and then we can eat, okay?"_

 _The women ate dinner in relative silence, and when the food was gone, that sat together in silence for some time as well._

" _What are you thinking about?" JJ asked Emily._

 _Emily smiled and reached out to take her girlfriend's hand. "I'm just thinking about how much I love you and how lucky I feel to know I'm going to be with you forever."_

 _JJ nodded. "You looking forward to calling me 'Mrs. Prentiss'?"_

 _Emily's eyes went wide at the name. "You want to change your name?"_

" _Eventually." JJ mistook Emily's shocked face as one of unhappiness. "Unless, of course, you don't want me to."_

" _I do, I wasn't expecting you to tell me that tonight is all."_

" _Well, what were you expecting me to tell you tonight, then?"_

" _I don't know," Emily said with a forced chuckle. "Not that."_

 _The two sat in silence a little longer before JJ spoke. "You seem more nervous about tonight than I am," she observed._

 _Emily stood up and began to clear the table in the living room, needing to occupy her mind somewhat as she spoke. "I guess it's kind of just setting in. It's a big deal."_

 _JJ stood up as well and picked up her plate, then followed Emily into the kitchen. She sighed. "It's because there's a lot of pressure on you because of my situation, right?" It was technically a question, but the tone in JJ's voice hinted at it being more of a statement._

" _I wouldn't word it like that. The way you're saying it has a negative connotation. It's important to me that you feel comfortable with me and that you know you're safe and that you know I am nothing like those other girls."_

" _I feel safe with you, Em. I really do. But I have a feeling that I'm going to be a bit uncomfortable and that's not your fault. I guess I just need proof, not that I don't have a lot already; I think once we do it, I'll feel a lot better about it."_

 _Emily nodded. "I don't want you to feel obligated though, Jen. I honestly don't mind waiting."_

" _It's been almost four months, Emily," JJ said. "It's time. And I'm ready."_

 _Once all the dishes from the table in the living room were in the dishwasher, Emily turned to JJ and took both of her hands in hers. "We haven't really had a chance to talk about this. I was thinking about it last night and today, and I'm going to tell you right now that tonight is going to be about you."_

 _JJ opened her mouth to argue, but Emily didn't let her start. "I want to be able to focus on you and take care of you. And I don't want you to worry about anything else right now. If tonight goes well, we can talk about tomorrow. I know I usually try to make sure that you're in control of where we go physically, but I am putting limits on it tonight because you will get incredibly overwhelmed and it will be bad." JJ nodded and continued listening. "You're completely inexperienced, which is okay, that just means we'll have to go more slowly, and yes, I'll be asking you if you're okay like every thirty seconds. I want you to know that even though it doesn't seem like it, you are still very much in control. You are in charge of everything else. I just needed to set some rules so we both know what to expect. You okay with all that?"_

 _JJ remained silent for a minute or so, absorbing the information Emily had just given her. Her heart started beating faster and trying to slow it just egged it on. She nodded shakily._

 _Emily noticed what seemed to be hesitation in her girlfriend. "Are you sure you want to do this?"_

 _JJ, heart still beating rapidly, stepped impossibly closer to Emily. "Yes."_

 _Her voice was slightly raspy and Emily couldn't control the small moan that escaped her throat. She was finally allowing herself to become aroused by JJ's words and actions, and although she knew she couldn't let go completely, she dropped her guard slightly. Emily wrapped her arms around her girlfriend's small form. "You're absolutely sure?"_

 _JJ didn't reply; she just attached her lips to Emily's. Their mouths moved together naturally, as if their connection was willed by the universe. The brunette rubbed JJ's back in comfort and for the first time ever, she felt JJ melt into her completely._

 _JJ pulled away first, in need of precious air. "Can we go to the bedroom?" she asked, out of breath._

 _Emily nodded, gingerly taking her girlfriend's hand and then she led her up the stairs and into what would become their bedroom. Once they arrived, Emily closed the door and both women took of their shoes._

 _The brunette took the blonde in her arms once again and they rested their foreheads together. "Are you okay?" Emily asked softly._

 _JJ nodded. "I'm amazing, actually," she smiled._

 _Emily pressed a kiss to her girlfriend's nose. "Remember, if you need to stop-"_

 _JJ silenced Emily with a heated kiss. "I know."_

 _At this, Emily took off her shirt and JJ followed suit. Soon, they were in nothing but bras and underwear. This time, JJ pulled Emily to her and initiated their kiss. Her anxiety was decreasing some, and she wanted to show that to Emily._

 _"I love you," JJ whispered into Emily's lips._

 _Emily kissed JJ, but the kiss was broken because both women were smiling too big. "I love you too, Jennifer," Emily whispered, her voice breaking._

 _Taking initiative, JJ reached behind Emily and unclasped her bra. Emily laughed lightly. "Hey, we're in no rush here, okay?"_

" _I'm sorry," JJ blushed._

 _With one hand, Emily kept her bra from falling, and with the other, she gently used two fingers to lift her girlfriend's chin up. "It's okay. We can move at whatever pace you feel comfortable with. Do you want me to drop my bra?"_

" _Do you want to?" JJ asked._

 _Emily dropped her fingers from JJ's chin. "I want to if you want me to. Do you want me to?"_

 _JJ waited a moment before nodding her head, slightly embarrassed._

 _Emily released her hand from the bra, and within moments, it fell to the floor. Although they had attempted sex before, JJ never allowed herself to look at her girlfriend's body and wasn't sure she could handle the beauty that was no-doubt awaiting her. JJ didn't let her eyes gaze at Emily's naked chest, but instead asked, "Can you take mine off?"_

 _Emily smiled and nodded, reaching behind JJ and unclasping in bra in one quick motion. JJ noted that Emily had probably done that many times, before shaking the thought from her head and shaking the bra away from her body and onto the floor. Emily bent down to pick up both of their undergarments and then placed them out of their way. Once the two were facing each other once again, JJ threw her arms around Emily's neck, no longer able to resist her desire to feel their bare breasts and torsos connecting._

 _To say that JJ was the only one who was awaiting this moment would be completely untrue. In fact, when Emily would fantasize about what their first time would be like, she imagined how amazing it would feel to have JJ naked in her arms more than anything else she imagined happening._

 _Both women were silent during this embrace, but it allowed them to center themselves and remind themselves of why they were there. The hug itself was rather intense; both women were holding on tightly, both recognizing the significance of the moment they were in and the extraordinary power of the love they shared._

 _They pulled away at the same time—"pulled away" is probably not accurate; they left a gap of maybe an inch between them. JJ stepped back after a few seconds in order to fully admire her girlfriend's body. She had long, beautiful legs and curves in all the right places. She let her gaze linger on Emily's breasts for longer than was necessary, but she couldn't help it. She eventually moved her gaze up and her eyes met Emily's. Her beautiful chocolate eyes had darkened as she had been doing the same thing as JJ._

 _JJ took a deep, shaky breath. "You are so beautiful," she whispered reverently._

 _Emily pulled JJ into her arms again, feeling that they had been separated for too long. "Look who's talking," she said just as reverently._

 _JJ didn't make a comment about there being no way she was as beautiful as Emily because she knew her girlfriend would make them stop as least as long as it took for Emily to convince her that was not true, and JJ didn't want to stop._

" _Can we get in the bed?" JJ asked quietly._

 _Emily nodded her head against JJ's. "Do you want to take off our underwear first? Or not?" she asked._

" _I want to do it now," JJ spoke with her first burst of confidence._

 _Wordlessly, both women removed what remained of their clothing and then climbed onto the bed and lied next to each other. "How are you doing?" Emily asked, moving a piece of JJ's hair behind her ear._

" _I'm still a little scared," she confessed, leaning her cheek into Emily's loving caress, "but I feel ready."_

 _Emily moved her head forward to kiss her future wife. The kiss said everything JJ needed to hear in that moment and her fear continued to dissipate. "Thank you," she said with a shaky voice when Emily had lifted her lips from hers._

" _What are you thanking me for?" Emily asked as she adjusted herself over her girlfriend's body._

" _Being so patient and loving with me," JJ replied._

 _Emily brushed JJ's hair back with one hand and held herself up with the other. "I'm not giving you anything more than you deserve, my love. I promise. You're unbelievably safe with me. I promise that too."_

 _JJ lifted her head to kiss Emily, and after a moment, she brushed her tongue along the brunette's soft lips, waiting for an invitation, and when she received one, she wasted no time in becoming as close to Emily as conceivably possible._

 _JJ moaned into the kiss, and then pulled back, embarrassed._

" _Are you okay? What happened?" Emily questioned, becoming afraid._

 _JJ closed her eyes, uncomfortable. "I didn't mean to make that sound," she explained._

 _Emily was instantly relieved that JJ hadn't been triggered, but concerned that she was ashamed of her reaction. "Hey, open your eyes for me, Jennifer." The blonde woman hesitated. "It's okay, Jen, I just need you to look at me."_

 _JJ did as she was told, but her cheeks remained red. "Jennifer," Emily said, "there is nothing for you to be embarrassed about."_

" _But-"_

" _Shhh. I promise you that every sound that comes out of you tonight will be absolutely beautiful. Don't hold back. I want to know that you like what's happening."_

 _JJ nodded. "Okay. I'm sorry for ruining the mood."_

" _You didn't ruin anything, my love," Emily assured with a whisper in JJ's ear before placing a series of kisses on and around it._

 _As Emily's kisses reached JJ's neck, the brunette noticed her tense. She pulled back. "Do you not want me to kiss your neck? I won't if you're uncomfortable with it."_

 _JJ shook her head. "It's okay. I trust you."_

 _Emily went back to covering JJ's neck with affectionate kisses, pausing to ask if her girlfriend was okay periodically. Eventually, Emily reached JJ's collarbone, continuing to press loving kisses to every available portion of her love's body. JJ's reactions varied with each touch, but Emily could tell she was relatively comfortable so she continued on, kissing down the valley of JJ's breasts gently. The blonde's back arched and Emily placed her hand in between her girlfriend and the bed in order to help hold her up as she continued kissing before lowering her gently back to the bed._

 _She paused to look up, and was overcome with emotion at her girlfriend's eyes. They were brimming with desire and trust. Of course, Emily could see hints of fear and hesitation, but as time went on, those parts were getting smaller, and trust along with desire was growing. "You still doing okay?" she asked, trying to keep her emotions in check at the beauty below her._

 _JJ nodded, not trusting her voice to say anything._

" _Are you ready for more, or….?" Emily trailed off. JJ nodded again._

 _The brunette started from the gap between JJ's breasts, placing kisses around each one before taking both hands and cupping them gently with her hands. JJ arched into Emily's hands which urged her on. The brunette gently tweaked the blonde's nipples, gauging JJ's reactions to decide what the right amount of pressure was. Once she had found it, she moved her head forward to capture her girlfriend's lips in hers as she squeezed._

 _While in the kiss, Emily moved both hands down across JJ's ribcage before gently scratching each of her sides. JJ seemed to really like this, as she broke to kiss to moan loudly. Before the blush could fully form on her cheeks, Emily kissed her again in order to quell her embarrassment._

 _After Emily released her mouth, JJ spoke quietly: "You can touch me if you want."_

 _Emily smirked, placing kisses to JJ's neck and ear. "I_ am _touching you."_

 _A groan escaped JJ's lips. "You know what I mean!" she almost yelled._

" _I do," Emily said, resting her forehead against JJ's as she lightly ran her fingers along one of JJ's sides. "Are you sure?"_

 _JJ nodded. "Please," she said and swallowed hard._

 _Emily lifted her free hand to cradle her wife's face. "You never have to beg, sweetheart. Just relax; I'm right here and I'm going to give you what you need, I promise."_

 _JJ nodded and swallowed again. "Right. I'm fine."_

 _Emily kissed JJ's nose. "I hope you're more than fine."_

" _I am." In a moment of no shame, JJ said, "This feels really good, and I can't even imagine…" She trailed off, not knowing how to phrase the rest of the sentence._

 _Emily smiled softly, and placed a comforting, chaste kiss on JJ's lips. "I need you to take a deep breath for me," she said gently, beginning to trail her right hand down JJ's body._

 _JJ did as she was told, reaching to grip Emily's free hand. Emily squeezed back. "Are you ready?" she asked, trying to make sure JJ was in the right place. This was where it had gone horribly wrong the first time, and Emily was determined to make sure it wouldn't happen again._

 _JJ nodded, giving Emily a confident smile. Emily's fingers were dancing along JJ's inner thighs, slowly making their way to their intended destination. When they arrived, JJ let out a gasp. Emily could tell by now that it was a gasp of pleasure and decided to not risk ruining the moment by asking her girlfriend if she was okay._

 _Emily's fingers continued to dance around Emily's folds, every so often grazing her sensitive bundle of nerves. Emily could tell that JJ was very sensitive and made a mental note to remember that._

 _After a few minutes, JJ's hand gripped the one of Emily's she was holding tighter. "Emily. I need more," she said in a tone of pleading._

 _Not wanting JJ to feel like she needed to beg, Emily nodded before slowly pushing one finger into her. After giving her a moment to adjust to the new stimulation, Emily began moving her finger in and out, pressing soft kisses to JJ's neck and whispering loving words._

 _After a few minutes of this, Emily could feel JJ's walls tightening around her digit and could see in JJ's eyes that she was close. She also saw a hint of fear returning. "JJ, baby, I need you to relax and listen to me," she said gently, not slowing the movement of her finger. "I know you've never had an orgasm before and I can tell you're a little afraid."_

 _JJ did the best she could to nod in response, but it probably looked like a movement with no particular direction or intent._

" _I promise you're okay. I need you to trust that I wouldn't let you hurt."_

 _JJ didn't even try to nod this time because she was too busy moaning in response to a particularly delicious stroke of Emily's finger._

 _Emily smiled, knowing that JJ was beginning to let go. "Let yourself fall off the cliff when you're ready, my love," she said. "I promise I'll catch you at the bottom," she vowed, curling the finger inside of her girlfriend._

 _This time, JJ was able to reply with some effort. "Emily," she gasped out. Emily was pretty sure what JJ was trying to say was "I love you" but it turned into a high-pitched keen and then silence as JJ reached her climax. Emily stilled her finger inside JJ, but kept it there to help her come down gently._

 _As JJ was beginning to get her breath back, the first thing she did was grip the hand that was still wrapped around her own. After about another minute, Emily slowly removed her finger and wiped it off on a tissue. There was a single tear coming down JJ's face, but that made sense to Emily. Of course JJ would be emotional. Emily was barely keeping it together herself. "Are you okay?" Emily asked gently when she thought JJ was capable of answering. The blonde nodded, but kept her eyes closed._

" _Take your time," Emily encouraged, moving herself from her position on top of JJ and then wrapping her in her arms._

 _The first clear word out of her mouth was "wow."_

 _Emily chuckled lightly, squeezing JJ to her tightly. "So, it was a good experience?"_

" _I'm going to say yes simply because I can think of a better word right now," she replied and then repeated, "wow."_

 _The two women made eye contact and Emily pressed her lips to JJ's. It was a deep kiss, but expressed no longing, just an intense level of love. "You believe that you're safe now?" she asked._

 _JJ nodded. "Thank you."_

 _Emily placed a kiss to the top of JJ's head. "You never have to thank me for loving you."_

 _JJ replied, "I love you too."_

 **AN: This was by far my longest chapter ever! This was a really important one, with the beginning of the trial and Emily and JJ's first time—this was pretty hard to write, especially because I'd never written a sex scene before. Please let me know what you think! I know this was only the beginning of the trial, but I wanted to focus on the flashback portion for this chapter. I will get more into the meat of the trial next chapter. I don't know what I want to do for the flashback though, so let me know if you have any ideas.**


	21. Chapter 21

Strength and Courage

Chapter 21

 **AN: Chapter 21! More trial. I hope you like this part of it—JJ and Emily are kicking some criminal ass. I want to clarify that the trial is also for the victims Shaffer killed, but since he has already admitted to killing them, the attorneys are paying more attention to the sexual assaults and the abduction of JJ. I was going to do a flashback about the morning after JJ and Emily have sex for the first time, but I decided to relate the flashback more to the conversation happening during the trial. If you want to see the morning after, just let me know and I will do it next chapter. One more thing—I am focusing a lot on the hate crime and discrimination aspect of these crimes because LGBT equality is something that is really important to me (I'm the president of my school's Gay-Straight Alliance) . Let me know what you think. Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

"Prosecution calls Emily Prentiss to the stand."

By the latter half of the first day of the trial, either Reynolds or Davis had talked to everyone on the BAU team except for Emily. JJ had been interrogated coldly by Davis, and after his argument with JJ, he had reverted back to calling her "Agent Jareau"; the poor bastard couldn't bear to pay any respect at all to the blonde profiler who had been through so much simply to proudly call herself Mrs. Prentiss.

JJ and Emily, as well as their team and Annie, breathed a sigh of relief when they were told defense was done interrogating for the day. Emily was especially relieved because she didn't know if she had it in her to keep her hands off Davis if he questioned the validity of her marriage one more time. It pleased Emily greatly when the bigoted attorney decided to concede the rest of his time for the day. In fact, Mr. Davis never even brought up the video or made a solid claim. Was he building his case or did he really have nothing? The suspense of not knowing made JJ almost as sick as knowing that Shaffer had stared at her for five hours straight.

Reynolds was going to use his remaining time of the day to prove JJ would never lie about something as serious as abduction or rape. He wanted to be sure when Davis brought out his weak claims, they couldn't stand up to the character witness testimony he would receive from JJ's wife, mother, and team.

As Emily arrived in the front of the court room, a Bible was placed in front of her. It made the woman somewhat uncomfortable to have to swear on a book that claimed her marriage was wrong, the very same book that Shaffer used to justify his actions, but Emily reminded herself that for every Christian like those in the FRC, there were dozens of Christians like David Rossi.

"Agent Prentiss," Reynolds began, "will you please raise your right hand and place your left hand on the Bible in front of you?" Once Emily did as she was told, Reynolds continued. "Please repeat after me. I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."

Emily took a deep breath. "I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."

"Thank you, Agent," Reynolds said. "You may sit down."

Emily nodded and quickly sat in the chair behind her, stealing a glance at her wife in front of her. JJ was visibly uncomfortable as she watched her wife's line of sight shift from her to her abductor.

Emily's attention was garnered by Reynolds when he began speaking. "For the record, will you please state your name and rank?"

"My name is Emily Prentiss, and I am a Supervisory Special Agent with the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit."

"And how long have you been a member of the BAU, Agent Prentiss?"

"Ten years," Emily replied.

"And you have known SSA Jareau for all ten of those years?" Reynolds asked.

Emily nodded. "Yes, we began dating two years after I joined the team, and we were legally married three years after that."

"Agent Prentiss, I want to clarify two things because there seemed to be some confusion with Mr. Davis this morning. The first thing-he regarded your wife with an incorrect name, which she pointed out, yes?"

Emily nodded. "Yes, he did and yes, she pointed it out."

"I want to clarify that Agent Jareau's legal last name is Prentiss," Reynolds said to the jury, "because Agent Prentiss is SSA Jareau's legal spouse in the District of Columbia and in the U.S, as Agent Jareau said earlier. Mr. Davis's utter lack of respect for Mrs. and Mrs. Prentiss and their positions in the FBI—which I will get to momentarily—is evidence of his blatant bigotry and bias in this case."

Anyone who was looking at Mr. Davis at this moment would have seen his cheeks red in anger. Mr. Reynolds ignored the reaction he could clearly see. If Davis couldn't respect a rape survivor and/or a seasoned Agent of the FBI, regardless of their sexual orientation, Reynolds had no reason to respect him.

"The second thing is—earlier, Mr. Davis brought up the fact that fraternization between members of the same department in the Bureau is forbidden. Can you please explain to me how it is that you and Agent Jareau are married and still both profilers in the BAU?"

The contrast between Joe Davis's blatant disrespect and Marc Reynolds's admiration was evident in the tone and wording of their statements, and though Emily was offended by the idea of having to justify loving her wife, she knew that Reynolds was trying to help them and answering his question would be beneficial to the case.

"Yes, Mr. Reynolds, though it is technically forbidden for members of the BAU to enter into a romantic relationship, it is known by the entire Bureau that the BAU's A team especially is very close, and it has been proven over the years that it improves our performance because we understand each other on a personal level. This was the same reasoning behind allowing Jennifer and I to date, and later marry, while remaining in the BAU. If you ask Agent Hotchner or Section Chief Strauss, who is not here today, they will both tell you that if anything, our marriage has improved the way the team performs. We work very well together and Agent Hotchner would be more than willing to give you some examples as proof."

"Thank you, Agent Prentiss," Mr. Reynolds said. "I'm sure either Mr. Davis or myself will ask for some of those examples in a little while. You can go rejoin your wife."

Once the brunette had sat down, Reynolds gave JJ and Emily a reassuring smile. "Prosecution calls Annemarie Jareau to the stand."

Reynolds asked Annie general questions about JJ and her job and relationship with Emily. Her main purpose was to freak out the defense attorney and it seemed to be working. Mr. Davis had hardly any witnesses and the ones he had were presumably unreliable. Still, the strong-willed man attempted to remain outwardly calm.

"Prosecution calls SSA Aaron Hotchner to the stand." Once Hotch had been sworn in, Mr. Reynolds asked, "Agent Hotchner, will you please provide the jury with one of those examples Agent Jareau was referring to earlier?"

* * *

 _It had been a tough case. An unsub was kidnapping and murdering little girls in Philadelphia. Eight-year-old Allison Burner, nine-year-old Tia Johnson, and eleven-year-old Massie Surno were killed over the course of two months._

 _By the time the BAU had identified the perp, William Lomack, twelve-year-old Kristen Sawyer had been missing for over twenty-four hours. The team knew what that probably meant, but they couldn't abandon all hope as they entered Lomack's house. Emily, JJ, and Spencer were tasked with searching the basement and they set out to do it thoroughly._

 _Emily was the team leader in that particular group and she gave her wife and friend orders with the fragile situation in mind. "I'm going to walk down the stairs first. Jen, I want you to cover me and Spencer, you cover her, okay?" she whispered._

 _The other two agents nodded and the tactical assault began. Once she had descended the stairs, Emily immediately knew Kristen Sawyer was alive. A high pitched scream was heard coming from behind a curtain that was blocking the agents' sight._

 _Emily silently pointed to give directions and then she slowly moved the curtain aside. This revealed William Lomack holding Kristen Sawyer to him with a gun to her head._

" _William Lomack, FBI. Drop the weapon." Emily lead the group with the initial statement as Reid stood by her side and JJ began to step to the side of Lomack._

" _Bill, put the gun down," Emily tried again with a calmer tone. "I won't ask again."_

 _Seconds later, JJ's eyes met Emily's and within moments a plan was formed. It took several explanations in order for Spencer to completely understand what took place in that basement on that day._

 _No more than a second after the two women shared that gaze, as Lomack's attention was focused totally on Emily, JJ leaped forward and took Kristen down with her. The moment JJ and the young girl were out of the way, a gun went off—it was Emily's. And Lomack was dead._

 _Kristen was with her mom and dad safe and relatively physically unscathed in two hours._

* * *

"Kristen Sawyer graduated from high school last year and is planning on majoring in criminal justice; she recently sent us a letter thanking Agents Jareau and Prentiss for saving her life," Hotch said. "I couldn't agree with her assessment more. Those of us who have the privilege of knowing JJ and Emily can all attest to the power of their connection. As proven in the scenario I just shared, these two women can all but have a conversation with their eyes. That's pretty powerful. I can think of several more examples that are similar, but I don't think it's necessary. We are here trying to find justice for the four women murdered by the man sitting in front of me and for one of my most talented agents. I can only hope today was the only day there will be any scrutiny of SSAs Jareau and Prentiss's relationship. They are not on trial."

Reynolds nodded. "Thank you, Agent Hotchner."

Reynolds looked at Davis and Shaffer as Hotch went to sit down next to Garcia and Morgan. "Does the defense have anything else to add today?" the judge asked.

Davis simply shook his head.

"Mr. Reynolds," the judge said, "you may make a closing statement."

"Your honor, members of the jury, I have used my time today to paint a picture of SSA Jareau's life. Both as Agent Jareau and as Jennifer Prentiss, as I believe both are equally important. We'll hear more of Mr. Davis claims tomorrow, and I hope you will use the information you have learned today to make an informed decision about the likelihood of Agent Jareau's story as opposed to the defendant's. Tomorrow, I will use my time to discuss Agent Jareau's injuries and other physical evidence, as I assume will be the case with Mr. Davis. That is all."

"The court will reconvene at eight a.m. tomorrow morning. Court dismissed."

The first thing JJ did when she heard those words was get up and walk out of the room. She had managed going the entire first day of court without making eye contact with Shaffer and she knew she wouldn't have the same luxury tomorrow. Emily quickly followed her out.

"Jen, are you okay?" she asked when she caught up with her wife.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just want to get out of here. It was really hard hearing those things from Davis and I feel pretty gross. I just want to go home and take a shower."

 _Oh shit,_ was Emily's next thought because the last time JJ was adamant about taking a shower, it was when she tried to "wash" away her injuries right after the Joseph Moore case. "You don't seem okay," Emily observed as the court began to empty more. "You actually look a little pale."

"I'm exhausted, Em," JJ begged. "Can you interrogate me about how I'm feeling once we get home, please?"

Emily nodded as she spotted JJ's mom. "I need to use the bathroom really quick and talk to Mr. Reynolds about tomorrow." Annie walked up then. "Annie, will you sit with Jen for a minute?"

"Of course, Emily," Annie replied, sitting down next to JJ on a bench.

Emily placed a kiss on the top of JJ's head and murmured a quick "I love you" before leaving in search of Reynolds.

"Thank you for coming today, Mom," JJ said after a few moments of awkward silence.

"Of course, sweetie," Annie responded.

They sat in silence for a few moments and then Annie said: "Jenny, do you have any idea of how strong you are?"

JJ was taken aback. "Huh?"

Annie didn't sugar-coat the truth; she told JJ exactly why she was the strongest person she knew. "Your big sister died when you were eleven. When you were eighteen, you were in your first of three abusive relationships. When you fell in love with Emily, you conquered so many fears with such grace, Jenny. And now this. You can still smile genuinely. You have more moments of joy than moments of pain. That's a sign of true strength."

JJ chuckled humorously. "I haven't smiled today."

Annie smiled and took her daughter's hand. "In case you haven't noticed, no one here has. But you have the ability to be happy, Jenny. You're resilient."

"What if the jury believes Shaffer, mom? He won't go free, but he'll have the satisfaction."

"C'mon, Jenny, you're an optimist. I know you don't actually believe they'll believe the religious crap or anything else." Annie sighed. "You want to see hope and love in every situation, and once you have that, you're pretty much set. I'd like to take credit for that, but it's just who you are, my sweet. Find the hope here."

JJ finally allowed herself to feel the emotion she wouldn't let herself feel this morning. She smiled a genuine smile and hugged her mom.

It was during the hug that Emily returned. "Is everything okay?" she asked.

Annie pulled JJ up and then hugged Emily. "Jenny and I were just talking."

JJ addressed Emily. "Mom always knows how to make me feel better."

Annie smiled. "And so does your wife. So you go home, _Mrs. Prentiss_ , and get yourself in the right place for tomorrow." Annie turned to Emily. "You as well, Mrs. Prentiss number 2."

Emily laughed and the two said their goodbyes to Annie. Emily wrapped an arm around her wife's waist gingerly and the women began to walk together. "I'm really proud of you for today, Jen, for standing up to Davis. It's good to know after all that's happened to you in your life, you can still be really proud of what we've built together—that you love us enough to be proud of our marriage and shout it to the world even in the face of idiocy."

JJ laughed, but absorbed the seriousness of the praise. A few seconds later, once they were settled in the car, JJ turned to Emily. "Well, you've given me hope and love, and as I've been reminded today, that's all I need to find happiness and peace."

 **AN: I feel like this chapter might have been confusing, so let me know if anyone needs clarification. (It might just seem that way to me because it's currently one in the morning) Let me know what you thought and what you'd like to see next. Do you want to see the events of the day after JJ and Emily have sex for the first time in the next chapter?**


	22. Chapter 22

Strength and Courage

Chapter 22

 **AN: Chapter 22. Next chapter should be the last of the trial and then after that will be sentencing. I still have no idea how long this story is going to be. I know where I want to end it, but I'm not sure how many chapters it will take. (I will be doing a sequel by the way, so be thinking about what you want to happen—I have some ideas) I didn't get many reviews on the last chapter, and it kinda made me sad, so please review guys. It really means a lot to me. I decided to do the morning after because I can't resist romantic Emily. This is the only time I've published a chapter with only two sections (1 fb, 1 current). I hope it's still good, I wanted to focus on the trial—really strong trigger warning here.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

 _Jennifer Jareau had never been so relaxed in her entire life. It was like she was sleeping on a cloud, and that cloud's name was Emily Prentiss._

 _The first thing JJ noticed in the morning was that Emily had woken up before she did. This was evident to her because of the hand moving slowly up and down her bare back. JJ smiled to herself; it was amazing to know that Emily even wanted to comfort JJ in her sleep, wanted to make sure she felt safe always._

 _Neither woman spoke. Neither Emily nor JJ wanted to ruin the quiet peace they had naturally established together. JJ took the plunge, placing a gentle kiss to Emily's collarbone._

 _Both women sighed. "Good morning," Emily said sleepily._

 _"Good morning to you," JJ replied. Emily could hear the smile in her voice._

 _JJ rolled over, getting her entire body off of Emily's so the brunette could move if she wanted to. Emily kissed her girlfriend sweetly before sitting up. JJ followed suit, wincing slightly as she did._

 _This worried Emily greatly. "Are you okay? I didn't hurt you, did I?"_

 _JJ shook her head. "Of course not. I just happened to get an eye full of light from the open window when I sat up."_

 _"Oh," Emily muttered to herself, relieved. She immediately got out of bed to close the blinds. "Better?"_

 _JJ nodded, rubbing her eyes. "Much. Thank you."_

 _Emily got back into the bed, covering her naked body with blankets before speaking. "So, you're not sore at all? No pain? You're okay?"_

 _JJ placed a hand on Emily's cheek and caressed it tenderly. "I am more than okay, Em. Really. I promise." She sighed, dropping her hand. "Though, this is the first time that's ever been true."_

 _Emily pulled JJ to her and they settled in their original position, lying down. "That's because you've never had sex before."_

 _JJ nodded as she allowed one finger to travel the skin above Emily's collarbone. "I guess that's true."_

 _Emily gathered JJ's mussed up hair in a hand and brushed it away from her face in order to make eye contact with her girlfriend. "Are you in a good place to have a conversation about this? I hate to ruin the blissful mood you seemed to be in a few minutes ago."_

 _JJ shook her head. "This is important. It's okay. We need to talk about what we did last night and how it's affecting me."_

 _Both women were quiet for a moment as Emily thought of how to enter into the conversation. "It's important to me that you understand sex isn't supposed to be about control or violence. For us especially, it's about love. Did I convince you of that last night?"_

 _JJ smiled. "Yeah." She didn't add to that immediately, but eventually said, "Last night was amazing, Emily. It really was. I have never felt so loved."_

 _This information made Emily smile. She was very relieved that her initial observations about the previous night seemed to be accurate. She tangled her fingers into JJ's hair and pulled her closer wordlessly._

" _I love you with all my heart, Emily. I'm just so new at all of this and I have no idea of how it's supposed to work."_

 _Emily laughed lightly. "It's pretty simply actually. Here's the way it's supposed to work:_

 _We both don't want sex—we don't have sex._

 _You want sex and I don't—we don't have sex._

 _I want sex and you don't—we don't have sex._

 _The only time we actually have sex is when we both want to."_

 _JJ chuckled at herself and then gently lifted her head off of Emily's chest, giving her time to release the hair that was in her grasp. "Sounds pretty self-explanatory, and I'm glad you said it. But I was actually referring to something else."_

 _"Okay, please explain," Emily said, giving her girlfriend a reassuring smile._

 _"Um, well, I don't really know how to…um…do what you did yesterday."_

 _It took Emily a moment (she was still at the beginning stage of understanding JJ's vague language), but when she figured out what JJ was referring to, an understanding smile graced her features. "I think you're making it a bigger deal than it is, baby."_

 _JJ shook her head, totally confounded. "But you're always saying that it means a lot and it's a big deal and-"_

 _"Hey," Emily said softly, trying to calm down JJ who was beginning to panic. "Sex_ is _a big deal. I'm not saying that it's not. What I'm trying to say is you're overthinking this. Sex, with the right person, should be very instinctual. I know it is for me."_

 _JJ nodded, taking a deep breath. "Yeah, that makes sense. I'm sorry for freaking out."_

 _"Don't apologize for your fear, Jen. You have every reason to have fears when it comes to sex." Emily gently guided her girlfriend's head back down, so JJ was lying in her arms. "We're going to disprove all those fears, one by one, I promise. It'll just take some time. We took a really big step last night, Jen. You should be really proud of yourself. I'm really proud of you."_

 _JJ cuddled closer to Emily, soaking in the love that seemed to be emanating from her. "I_ am _proud of myself. I'm more proud of_ us _though."_

* * *

On the way to the second day of the trial, JJ was absolutely silent for the majority of the ride. Emily didn't try to make conversation, knowing that JJ would only talk if she felt comfortable, so she didn't want to pressure her.

Once they were about five minutes away, JJ said something: "Today is going to be worse than yesterday."

"Well, it's not like any of these days are going to be good," Emily said in frustration, nervously tapping her fingers on the steering wheel in front of her as she came to an abrupt stop at a red light.

The statement got JJ's attention. She looked at her wife oddly until she noticed.

"What is that look for?" Emily asked after a moment, slowly pushing her right foot on the gas pedal.

"I don't know. It's just very out of character for you, a pessimistic statement like that," JJ explained.

"I know," Emily said. "I'm sorry. I'm just angry."

"I think you're angrier than I am," JJ observed with a sigh. "It makes sense though. I couldn't imagine watching you go through this. Whatever you're going through has got to be worse than what I'm going through."

Emily reached for JJ's hand as she made a turn. "I don't know if that's true, Jen. I think pain is relative. And honestly, it's hard to not feel lucky when I look at Annabelle Sorrento's wife and Sasha Lewis's husband." Emily made a smooth stop and then turned to JJ. I get to take you home today. I get to hold you and comfort you tonight. _My_ wife is _alive_. Taking care of you and helping you heal is a task I took on eight years ago and being able to continue it is a privilege denied to a lot of people inside that courtroom. It's almost horrible to say it, but we're kind of lucky."

JJ squeezed Emily's hand. "You're still angry though."

Emily nodded. "Incredibly. I'll probably feel better once I know he's gone."

Emily pulled into the parking lot as JJ asked, "You want to pursue the death penalty along with the families of the murder victims?"

Emily shrugged. "I don't really care what they do to him. I just want him as far away from you as possible. I think hell is far enough." She squeezed her wife's hand one more time and then opened the car door. "C'mon, we're gonna be late."

Once the court was in session, Davis called JJ to the stand.

"Mrs. Jareau," the attorney addressed bitterly, "you claim to not remember any events from the time you left the BAU building to when you woke up in the defendant's basement, am I correct?"

"Yes," JJ replied, deciding for now to ignore the asshole calling her the wrong name. "That is correct."

"So, is it possible that you could have willingly went somewhere with Mr. Shaffer?" he asked accusingly.

"I don't see what that has to do with anything. I would not have gone with someone knowing they were a serial killer, Mr. Davis. He must have-"

Davis interrupted JJ. "That question has a one word answer, Agent Jareau."

JJ was beginning to become flustered. "Mr. Davis, regardless of my answer to that question-"

"Agent Jareau. That was a yes or a no question."

Emily was indignant at the way this man was speaking to her wife. She stood up and shouted angrily, "Agent Jareau did not knowingly get in a car with someone she knew was a serial killer. That is ridiculous. You claim you have proof, you asshat, why don't you show us?"

The judge banged his gavel three times. "Agent Prentiss, you need to sit down, or I will have you escorted out of the court." Emily reluctantly did as she was told, giving JJ an apologetic look. "Agent Jareau, will you please answer the question?"

JJ sighed shakily. "Yes, it's possible."

Davis nodded vigorously, proud of himself. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the defendant and I have video of Mrs. Jareau's so-called abduction."

JJ cleared her throat. "Mrs. _Prentiss_."

"Yes, of course," Davis said sarcastically,

A bailiff shoved a DVD into the old TV set in the front of the room next to JJ and shaky video began to play. Shaffer videoed himself for a moment and then turned the camera around. JJ saw herself on the day of her abduction. She was speaking to the camera; Shaffer was probably wearing it. JJ could never read lips well and, but it seemed like she said the word "yes", and then followed Shaffer into his van. That's when the video shut off.

Reynolds stood up angrily, knowing that if he didn't, Emily would. "That proves nothing!"

"We'll let the jury decide that," was all Davis said.

"Objection!" Reynolds shouted. "Agent Jareau should be able to tell her side of the story here."

"She doesn't remember anything, Marc," Davis replied condescendingly. "What is she gonna say?"

That's when JJ's voice was heard weakly. "I do." She swallowed hard. "I do remember."

"She has to be lying!" Davis shouted angrily. His only chance at winning any part of this trial was in that video.

"Agent Jareau," Reynolds said. "Have you always known what happened?"

"No, of course not," JJ replied. "My memory came back a little when the video started, and now I think I remember what happened. I _did_ go with him willingly."

Gasps were heard from the jury. JJ shook her head. "He pretended to be a cop. I was sleep deprived, desperate for a lead. I fell for his rouse."

"What happened after you left with him?" Reynolds asked.

"Mr. Reynolds, this is my cross-x," Davis asserted before JJ could answer the question.

"Are you going to do anything that shows any respect to this _federal agent?_ Are you going to ask her questions that have answers relevant to the case? Are you going to stop trying to invalidate her marriage?"

Mr. Davis said nothing.

"Please sit down, Mr. Davis," Reynolds said. "Every word out of your mouth makes your defendant look guiltier and you look more incompetent."

"Objection!" shouted Davis at the judge. "He's making ad hominem arguments, your honor."

"Sustained," agreed the judge. "The jury will disregard." The judge was frustrated with Davis's antics, however. "Mr. Reynolds, you may speak to Agent Jareau."

"Agent Jareau," Reynolds said kindly. "I asked before what happened after the camera was shut off. Do you remember?"

"I think so," JJ nodded. "He injected me with something. Probably an anesthetic. That's what I figured before today, based on the fact that is what he did to the other… um…victims."

"If it's alright with you, we're going to walk through the eight hours you were with him. Is that okay?"

JJ nodded, knowing full well that Reynolds was leaving open the option to say no.

"Alright. Good. Do you remember waking up in the basement?"

"I was…uh, I didn't have any clothes on. I was tied to a cold, metal chair with cable ties." JJ allowed herself to look at Shaffer for the first time since her rescue. He looked older, worn down, but sinister.

He was proud of himself. JJ was prouder. "He was standing above me."

"Can you clarify who you are referring to when you say 'he'"?

"Jackson Shaffer."

"The defendant."

"Yes."

"What happened next?"

JJ swallowed and looked to Emily who gave her a reassuring smile. This would be the first time she heard all the details. "He started rambling…about something in the Bible. He was speaking so fast; I couldn't make out what he was saying. I took an educated guess though."

"You're doing great, Agent. Can you continue?"

JJ nodded. "He gave me two options. He said he was going to turn me straight, either by letting the gay bleed out of me or t…teaching me what _real_ sex was. I told him to do the first thing. I saw what happened to the other victims. I knew he would rape me. I just wanted to stay alive for as long as possible."

"You had faith in Emily and the rest of your team?"

"They're good at what they do. We were close to having an accurate profile. I knew they'd figure it out soon. I needed to remain as strong as possible for as long as possible. I figured if he cut me first, I'd last longer."

"Will you explain that set of injuries?"

"Um, he started by making shallow cuts in my abdomen and legs. When I didn't react much, he cut a deep slit in my right arm." JJ held up her arm. "I will have this scar for the rest of my life."

"What happened next?"

JJ couldn't make eye contact with her wife. She knew Emily was about to learn the details of the worse parts of her abduction. JJ knew her wife would become even angrier than before. "That's when he starting kicking and punching me. He was yelling homophobic slurs and other things like that. Um, that's what broke my ribs."

"Do you have any lasting effects from those injuries?"

JJ nodded. "I had a cold two months ago. Coughing hurt then and it still hurts now."

"The defendant claims you willingly had sex with him. Is that true?"

Emily and JJ shared a look. The brunette had tears running down her face, but she spoke with her eyes. JJ knew what Emily was saying.

"Of course not. I have never had sex with a man, nor have I wanted to."

"Are you able to tell us what happened?"

JJ nodded. "After he was finished kicking me, he left for a little while. My arm was still bleeding. He came back and took his clothes off. He injected me with something."

"Like the first anesthetic?"

"No. I was still awake. I just couldn't move. I could talk a little if I tried hard enough. I screamed." JJ fought off tears. Emily had completely given up keeping her emotions in check. "I begged. I hadn't begged…not like that…for eight years. He laughed when I cried. Told me if it didn't hurt, it wasn't working. He told me my wife would never want to touch me again. When he was done, he tied me to the chair again and left. He came back when Emily, Derek, and Spence got there. Spence stayed in the car to wait for SWAT, but Emily and Derek saved my life."

"And you are convinced the defendant would have killed you if your team had not apprehended him?"

Mr. Reynolds passed pictures around the room, allowing each member of the jury to see JJ's injuries.

"I want to make this clear, to the judge, the jury, Mr. Davis, my team, Shaffer, Emily, everyone here. Jackson Shaffer abducted me, tortured me, and raped me. If my wife and best friends had not gotten there when they did, I would be dead."

 **AN: That was hard to write! What do you want to see next? Please review!**


	23. Chapter 23

Strength and Courage

Chapter 23

 **AN: Chapter 23. This is the last of the trial. The verdict will be at the end of the chapter; next chapter will be sentencing—please let me know if you'd prefer the death penalty or life in prison for Shaffer (I haven't decided yet and would like to know what you think is appropriate). I got some reviews wanting Davis to "get nailed" as well. I have something planned for him—just be patient…. Also, I started a series of one-shots that I am taking requests on, so if you're interested in that go ahead and look at that on my profile. I hope you enjoy the chapter and please review (got some awesome ones last chapter!)**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

On the third day of the trial, JJ and Garcia were sitting on a bench outside of the courtroom during a recess. Emily was speaking to Mr. Reynolds as she often did to check on the progress of the trial—earlier that day, Davis had told Reynolds that Shaffer was no longer planning to plead guilty to the first four murders, which quite literally could be a death sentence for him.

"Do you think they'll announce the verdict today?" JJ asked her bubbly friend.

"I don't know, gumdrop," the tech analyst replied. "I mean, do any of those jury people think Shaffer is innocent of…like…anything?"

JJ shrugged. "Some of them may be really religious or something."

"Okay, but regardless, murder is universally bad. Right?

JJ shrugged again. "I think they'll find him guilty of the first four murders. I mean he admitted to them before. Reynolds showed substantial proof this morning."

"So, since he-who-shall-not-be-named isn't pleading guilty, does that mean the death sentence is possible? Emily tried to explain it to me, but I don't understand court-ese."

JJ couldn't help the laugh that escaped her at the word "court-ese". "So, basically, if he pleads guilty, the death sentence isn't an option. But if he doesn't, it is. And even though DC doesn't have the death penalty, since all the murders happened in Virginia, Shaffer is being tried in Virginia, and the death penalty is an option here. Does that make sense?"

Garcia nodded. "Do you want the death penalty though?"

She sighed. "I don't know. I don't think I have any say in it. I just really hope the verdict is today, so we can do the sentencing and by the end of the week, we'll just be done. And maybe I'll sleep through the night again."

"Em told me you _were_ sleeping through the night." Penelope was confused and concerned for her friend.

"I was…before the trial. I barely slept at all last night." JJ figured it was because she had repressed the memories of her time in Shaffer's basement for so long that now they were coming back with a vengeance. Emily had agreed, made her a cup of tea, and sat with her in silence so she wouldn't be up alone.

"It was really brave what you did yesterday, Jayje," Penelope said, reaching out to take her friend's hand and JJ gratefully squeezed back. "Really. You're incredible."

"Okay, don't make me cry," JJ squeaked out, wiping away a stray tear. "I really appreciate it, Pen. You all being here means more to me than you know."

Penelope hugged the blonde profiler. "I'll relay the message, my vision." Penelope walked off to find Morgan.

Emily returned then. "I just talked to your mom. She sends her love."

"Where is she?" JJ asked, standing up.

"She went to give Davis a piece of her mind!"

JJ's eyes widened. "Oh my God, are you serious?"

Emily's straight face faltered. "No, she's in the bathroom, but I'm sure she could take him."

JJ shook her head at Emily's attempt to keep the mood light, smiling. "I appreciate the valiant attempt."

"Had to try. You ready for the pleas?"

JJ nodded. "Yeah. He's gonna plead innocent to everything."

Emily agreed. "Probably. Reynolds thinks so as well. But that doesn't change that fact that we know he's guilty of it all. And I'm sure the jury knows too."

* * *

 _Emily told JJ pretty early on in the day that if JJ was comfortable with it, she could try to make love to Emily that night. JJ was feeling pretty comfortable with the idea after their conversation, so she decided to go ahead and try._

 _It was slightly awkward at first, mostly because JJ was not confident in herself, but after a few minutes of guiding, the blonde decided that Emily was right—sex with the right person was incredibly instinctual. Emily was nervous too; she didn't want her girlfriend to freak out, be triggered, have a panic attack, or have any other negative experience. Luckily, her fears as well were quelled as she discovered that JJ was a natural. It didn't take long for both women to drop their walls and relax fully into the new aspect of their relationship. Of course JJ still had insecurities and Emily still worried about her, but those weren't things that couldn't be remedied with extra care and love and of course, time._

 _One night, a few days later, JJ lied in Emily's arms pondering possible answers to a question she was trying to gather up the courage to ask. Over the past few months, JJ had shared a lot with Emily about her past. She hadn't talked about the details; she didn't want Emily to know too much and worry more than necessary. Nevertheless, the blonde had shared much about her painful experiences with her new lover, and was feeling extremely curious about Emily's past relationships. She figured the question would ruin the mood, but it wasn't like there was an un-awkward time to bring up Emily's past sexual partners and relationships._

 _JJ placed a kiss to the skin under her head and took the plunge. "Em?"_

 _"Mhm?" Emily asked tiredly._

 _"Can I ask you a stupid question?"_

 _This got Emily's attention. JJ had a habit of inconspicuously disclaiming whatever she was about to say or ask, or ask for, as she was embarrassed and quite obviously ashamed of many things—even though she had no reason to, which Emily reminded her of each time it happened. "You can ask me a question, but whatever it is, I'm sure it's not stupid."_

 _"I…I mean, I don't know…Sorry. I'm trying to figure out how to word this."_

 _Emily pressed a loving kiss to her girlfriend's head. "Take your time. It's okay."_

 _JJ hesitantly explained to Emily the reasoning for her questions about her past, and Emily nodded in understanding every few sentences. "Well, I guess what I'm trying to ask is—well, I know you've had an abortion. So I know you've had sex with men in the past. I'm just curious about why you've never told me about your previous relationships," she stammered out. "I mean, you don't have to, of course."_

 _Emily tightened her arms around JJ, making sure she knew she wasn't angry or upset with her in any way. "It's a legitimate question, Jen, and it's not stupid," she assured. "I guess I've been focused on you and it didn't occur to me that you would benefit from knowing these things. That kinda makes me stupid." Emily added the last part in a weak attempt to keep the intensity at a bearable level. JJ tended to be easily overwhelmed, as Emily had learned._

 _"You're the smartest person I know," JJ corrected._

 _Emily brushed JJ's hair back with one finger and kissed her forehead. "Ditto." The brunette sighed and began speaking. "When I was fifteen, I was traveling with my mom a lot." JJ noted that Emily didn't talk much about her mom. She knew they didn't have much of a relationship. "I desperately wanted to fit in. So I had sex with a guy even though I didn't want to."_

 _"And you got pregnant," JJ supplied._

 _Emily nodded. "I couldn't take care of myself, let alone a baby. So I had an abortion and I never told my mom. I don't even know if she knows now. After that, I didn't have sex or date until college. In one last attempt to convince myself I liked men, I started dating this boy in my psychology class. He was nice enough, but…"_

 _"He was still a boy," JJ said in understanding._

 _"Yeah. He fell in love with me. I broke his heart. Who I was with him was so different from who I was when I was with my first girlfriend, Stacy."_

 _JJ looked up. "Did you love her?"_

 _Emily shook her head. "I cared about her, but I wasn't in the place to really love anyone."_

 _"Did you love any of your other girlfriends?"_

 _"I think so. Maybe I just thought I did. I don't know. I've been in some pretty good relationships with some great people, but none of them were you. There's no comparison to how I feel with you, Jen. You really are my everything."_

 _"Thank you for telling me all that and for saving me."_

 _Emily kissed her girlfriend. "You save me too. You save me every single day."_

 _Although Emily had sex before many times, she realized that night that she had never truly made love before, as cliché and as cheeky as it sounds. In that regard, the last few days had been full of firsts for both JJ and Emily and the two women were very grateful for their new beginning._

* * *

"In the charge of the murder in the first degree of Annabelle Sorrento, how do you plead?"

This would be the first time JJ would hear Shaffer's voice in over four months and she was terrified of what the sound of it would to do her. She steeled herself to be strong and not show him weakness as he confidently declared, "Innocent."

"In the charge of the murder in the first degree of Sasha Lewis, how do you plead?"

"Innocent."

JJ turned to see Laura Rogers and Sasha's husband, Tom, in an embrace. Emily followed her line of sight and squeezed her hand.

"In the charge of the murder in the first degree of Elizabeth Wagner, how do you plead?"

"Innocent."

JJ put a vice grip on her wife's hand and it tightened with every recitation of the word "innocent", the perpetuation of the falsehood JJ knew all too well was a lie.

"In the charge of the murder in the first degree of Ivana Melekov, how do you plead?"

"Innocent."

Both Ivana and Elizabeth were single women. In fact, the "reason" for Ivana's murder was that she had a child and no husband. The kid, a teenage girl, was sent to live with her father, who she had never met. Ivana had no other family. Elizabeth's mother was sitting with Mr. Lewis and Mrs. Rogers.

"In the charge of the abduction of Supervisory Special Agent Jennifer Jareau, how do you plead?"

Shaffer turned and met JJ's gaze. She did not falter, but instead met the strength of his stare with a level of strength that made it obvious to all in attendance that SSA Jareau—no, that Jennifer Prentiss—was the wrong woman for Shaffer to have messed with.

JJ noticed her abductor shiver as he replied, "Innocent," his voice wavering ever so slightly. The jury might not have noticed it, but everyone in the BAU did.

"In the charge of the aggravated rape of Supervisory Special Agent Jennifer Jareau, how do you plead?"

Shaffer could not be defeated. He wouldn't let that happen. So he jut out his chin and growled, "Innocent."

Most people in the courtroom inwardly or outwardly shivered at the tone in the man's voice. It was vicious, prideful, _sadistic_. To anyone watching, Agent Jennifer Jareau was the picture of calmness and grace. And to be honest, JJ had always been graceful in even her anger. Inside, however, her heart dropped into her stomach. She had heard that tone before.

The judge announced they were to take a recess while the jury, composed of 5 men and 7 women, deliberated. JJ and Emily, along with their team and Annie, gathered around the bench the blonde had claimed for themselves two days prior.

Every one of them prayed, even Morgan who had never truly believed in God. They were all desperate for a guilty verdict, were all determined to make sure JJ never had anything to fear in regards to that monster ever again.

JJ feared Emily's reaction if Shaffer was acquitted of even one of the charges.

Reynolds walked out of the courtroom and addressed the group. "The jury has a verdict."

The speaker for the jury was standing up with the rest of the group. She waited for the cue from the judge to read the verdicts. "Jackson Shaffer, in the charge of the murder in the first degree of Annabelle Sorrento, the jury finds you…"

A collective breath was drawn in the courtroom.

"Guilty."

"In the charge of murder in the first degree of Sasha Lewis, the jury finds you… guilty."

Most people in the courtroom began to breathe again as the woman finished the list of murdered victims, finding Shaffer guilty of all charges.

The speaker for the jury met JJ's gaze and nodded to her in respectful acknowledgement. "In the charges of the abduction and aggravated rape of Jennifer Prentiss, the jury finds you guilty."

Immediately, Shaffer was led away. JJ stared straight in front of her for several seconds, even as she felt her wife's arms being wrapped around her. Eventually, she responded to the touch, hugging Emily back as relieved tears streamed down her face like rain in a downpour.

"Thank you," she said, though not even JJ was sure exactly who she was thanking.

 **AN: Relieved? Angry? Let me know what you think about this chapter and about the death penalty. I really want to know what you guys think about all this. Please leave a review!**


	24. Chapter 24

Strength and Courage

Chapter 24

 **AN: Chapter 24 is here! I have to warn that this chapter is very heavy. Victim impact statements are generally given after the guilty verdict and before sentencing, so I wanted to include that, but you should have your tissues ready. There is no flashback in this chapter because I couldn't think of anything that would do this content justice. I know you guys like the flashbacks (I do too) but I think this chapter is more powerful without one. The flashbacks will return next chapter, but as this is a pivotal chapter in the story, I didn't want to ruin the poignancy with a mediocre flashback.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

"Are you making a victim impact statement today, Jenny?" Annie asked her daughter as they filed into the courtroom on the day of Shaffer's sentencing.

"Emily is," JJ replied. "I didn't want to. I've done enough talking to the jury, and I pretty much feel done. Emily has some things to say though."

"She'll be able to make a statement without doing something that would get her arrested?"

"I hope so."

Annie sat next to JJ in Emily's seat because the brunette was speaking to Mr. Reynolds along with Tom Lewis and Laura Rogers who were also going to make victim impact statements. The only people in the courtroom currently were JJ, Annie, and three members of the jury who were talking amongst themselves.

"Jenny, have you thought about what you want the sentence to be?"

"I'm trying not to think about it too much," JJ responded. "I think Emily wants the death penalty though."

"Really?" Annie asked. "I figured Emily would want him to rot in prison forever."

JJ would have figured she would be uncomfortable having a conversation like this with her mom, but she wasn't at all. The jury's verdict of guilty on all charges validated JJ's journey and it caused her to be able to look at this case a little more objectively. Emily, however, had anger inside of her multiplying like bacteria. JJ had tried to explain to her wife that like colonies of bacteria, anger was toxic, but Emily was content to mumble angrily at the wall all night.

"Yeah, but as Emily so eloquently explained to me last night, inmates on death row tend to stay there for many years before being executed, so Shaffer would get to rot in prison for a decade or two and then get the lethal injection, which according to the documentary I found Emily watching a few days ago, is extraordinarily painful. Apparently, one of the three drugs is as anesthetic but it only lasts five minutes, and it takes seven minutes at the very least for the inmate to die. One of the others is a paralytic, so after the anesthetic wears off, the inmate has to suffer in silence and without being able to move. Emily enjoyed the poetic justice off that, but I think her anger is clouding her judgement. At her core, she's a pacifist—she carries spiders outside."

"Emily just wants justice for you," Annie explained. "I understand where she's coming from."

"I do too, mom. I do too."

The aforementioned brunette walked in then, as a part of a cluster of the spouses of Shaffer's victims. They all slightly blamed themselves for what happened to their partners, as Shaffer's motivation for abducting them had been related to their sexual orientations/interracial relationship.

More jury members had entered during Annie and JJ's conversation and the courtroom was beginning to fill up. Annie stepped out to use the bathroom.

Emily, Tom, and Laura walked up to JJ.

Tom reached out his hand to shake JJ's. "Agent Jareau, I don't think we've met. I'm Tom Lewis, Sasha's husband."

"Hi, Mr. Lewis. Please call me Jennifer." Usually, she asked people to call her JJ, but there was something about her full name that she was beginning to admire. JJ was the name of the child, the name of the girl who believed she deserved to be abused by her assaulters. Jennifer was the name of a woman, the woman who was able to speak her truth to a jury and judge, the woman who was able to speak her truth to one of her assaulters, the woman who had fallen head over heels in love with another woman and was proud to say so.

"Call me Tom," he replied.

JJ nodded in acknowledgement with a smile. "It's nice to meet you, Tom." She addressed the three people in front of her. "You all ready for today?"

They all nodded. Laura added, "You did an amazing thing the other day, Jennifer. We're all proud of you and grateful for you. Elizabeth's mother, Marilyn, says thank you as well. She couldn't be here today, but she sends her support."

JJ nodded again. "Thank you, Laura."

The judge entered the room then and Tom and Laura decided it would be a good time to take their seats. The five remaining members of the BAU entered as well and made their way to their seats next to Annie, who they had all befriended.

"How are you doing, Jen?" Emily asked as she sat down next to her wife.

"I'm pretty good. You?"

Emily nodded. "Good. Thank you for letting me do this, Jen. I know you're kind of hesitant about it."

"Well, I'm only hesitant," she explained, "because there's only one person I want to walk out of here in handcuffs."

Emily smiled. "And that person isn't me," she supplied.

JJ nodded. "What time is it?"

"Almost eight," Emily responded, checking her cell phone. She sighed, putting the phone back in her pocket. "We've talked about how I feel about the verdict today, but you seem to be avoiding discussing your thoughts," she observed.

"I don't really have an opinion either way, Em. I know you're going to tell the jury the death penalty is the only way for him to pay for all he's done, but I just can't see how someone else's pain erases mine. That's how serial killers think, Em. I don't want him to go free, obviously, I just…don't really know what I want." JJ thought about it for a moment. "I want it to be six months ago. That's what I want, but I'm not going to get that, so I'm going to accept whatever happens today and trust it's the best thing."

"I wish I could be that objective," Emily replied. "I just can't think about that man without seeing you…in that chair, without seeing you lying on that cold floor…." Emily had been rather stoic through most of the trial, but hearing JJ recount what happened to her, finally becoming aware of the details of her soul mate's horrible experiences in that basement, had affected her deeply.

"I know, Emily," JJ replied in understanding, reaching out to hold her wife's hand in comfort. "I understand why you're so angry and I don't judge you for it. I really don't. You just have to see me now, okay? I was only able to truly understand my own worth after what happened to me. And I'm not saying that makes what he did okay, I'm just saying that I am no longer the girl you started dating eight years ago, and I'm no longer the woman who was tied to that chair. I'm stronger now, and you are too. You just need to find that strength, Em."

Emily laughed through her tears. "I'm supposed to be the one giving you a pep talk right now."

JJ chuckled. "You've given me so many pep talks over the years, I figured it was about time that we make it even," she smiled.

JJ kept Emily's hand in hers as the judge called the court to order.

"Today," he said, "we will hear some victim impact statements and if the jury comes to a verdict, the defendant's sentencing will be today as well."

As the prosecuting attorney, Mr. Reynolds introduced the statements. "We will hear from Laura Rogers, wife of Annabelle Sorrento; Tom Lewis, husband of Sasha Lewis; and SSA Emily Prentiss, wife of SSA Jennifer Jareau."

Laura Rogers took the stand first. "My wife Annabelle was the kindest human being I've ever met. She stepped around anthills, played tea party with our nieces once a week, put her needs second in order to help others. I have lost the love of my life, but the world has lost an incredible force of kindness and love, and that is something that no punishment will ever fix. Maybe an eye for an eye isn't the right way to see things, but if a good person is gone, maybe a bad person being gone will make things even. I don't know. All I know is Annie and I shared a powerful love, the type of love I've been honored to witness in Jennifer and Emily in the last few months. Love is a powerful thing, but all the love in the world won't bring my wife back."

Tom took the stand next. He started by saying what JJ had thought Emily would say, that "the death penalty is the only way for him to pay for all he's done", and then went on to talk about his wife and the light she brought to the world. Afterwards, Tom spoke of his life now, how life without Sasha is something he hadn't ever known, as they were childhood friends. "Sasha was my best friend from the time we were three. No one ever said anything about the fact that she was white and I was black. Everyone commented on the deep connection we've had since childhood, which is a connection we'll have forever."

Both Tom and Laura delivered powerful speeches, but neither addressed Shaffer directly. Emily was chosen to speak last, as the wife of a living victim, in order to provide a sense of hope and to make sure Shaffer knew he hadn't won. Emily was more than glad to play that role. When her name was called, she squeezed JJ's hand (which had been in hers since she had started crying earlier) and stood up, exuding an aura of confidence.

JJ noticed her wife's posture and couldn't help the proud smile that graced her delicate features as Emily took the stand. Nobody messes with the Prentisses.

Emily took a deep breath and began. "Four years and nine months ago, I married the strongest human being that has ever walked this earth. My wife has been through _a lot_. I'm not going to go into the details there except to say that Jennifer has been abused my romantic partners in the past. When I met her, she believed that what had happened to her at the hands of people who were supposed to love her was okay, that she deserved it." Emily had a hard time maintaining composure as she spoke of the pain her wife had been through even before Shaffer entered their lives. "Over the course of several years, I was able to teach her that this was not true. About two years after our marriage, we reached a place where for the most part, Jennifer genuinely believed that she was safe with me and that she deserved to feel that way. After what happened to her five months ago, one would think these insecurities and fears would come back. And you're right, they did. For the first time in years, my wife was afraid of me. It was the worst feeling in the world, to know that my presence scared Jennifer, someone who means so much to me. Over the past few months, we have been doing everything we can to help her recover—from both what was done to her years ago and from what was done to her by Mr. Shaffer. Mr. Shaffer, when you abducted my wife, tortured her, violated her, you might have thought you won, you might have thought you broke her, broke us. But you didn't. Jennifer has never been stronger. For the first time in almost two decades, my wife understands what her life is worth. Mr. Shaffer, Jennifer understands this and now you need to understand this." Throughout the entire speech, Shaffer had not made eye contact with the agent. "Look at me when I'm speaking to you, Shaffer!" she commanded with fire in her voice. "Jennifer Prentiss is worth so much more than what she's been through. She deserves better than what she has gotten in her life. She deserves love. Luckily, she receives the latter from me and her mom and our team, five other seasoned FBI agents, many of whom want you dead. I'm not going to stand here and say that I want you to die. Do I want you to suffer? Does a part of me want to hear that you were assaulted in prison? Does a part of me want to watch you take your last breaths? Of course. But I'm not going to be the person to condemn you to death. That's what serial killers do. That's how you think. But I am not you. You think hurting others will erase your pain. Because I study people like you for a living, Shaffer, I understand on an intellectual level that you are not simply evil. But how can one who has done what you have done be anything but evil? I'll probably think about that for the rest of my life, which could very well be much longer than yours. You killed people because you thought the bible told you so, even though 'do not kill' has got to be in there more often than 'do not love'."

Emily took a deep breath, pondering for a minute as the truth of JJ's earlier words hit her like a brick. "I don't hate you, Shaffer. Jennifer doesn't hate you; she never has. I used to hate you. The other day, I was researching the most painful execution methods and picturing myself doing them to you. I got no satisfaction from that. The truth is I love my wife too much to hate you. Letting myself hate you is letting you win. So, after today, I will not put energy into being angry. You know what you did. And regardless of whether or not you feel guilty for killing four women, you will be punished for it. And you will be punished for what you took from my wife. The good news is I can give her back what you took away. You see, instead of putting energy into hating you, I'll put energy into loving my wife. You will probably die without ever having experienced love, and that actually makes me sad. There is nothing like going to your house after work and actually arriving home. There's a quote that says 'being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.' Jennifer and I have given each other the strength and courage it takes to forgive you. We have given each other the strength and courage it takes to be happy, and our love has given us the strength and courage it takes to be proud of who we are. Love is something you'll never be able to take from us."

Everyone in the room was in tears except Shaffer and Davis as Emily went to sit down silently. The judge himself had struggled to not cry, but had given up part way through Emily's speech.

The jury deliberated. They had a verdict in twenty minutes.

"Mr. Shaffer," spoke the judge. "Stand to receive your sentence."

Once he did, the judge read the piece of paper in front of him aloud. "Jackson Shaffer, the jury hereby sentences you to death."

Emily and JJ wept in each other's arms. They didn't know if they were happy or sad. All they knew is they were going home.

 **AN: I hope this outcome works for you all. Most of the reviewers seemed to agree with one guest who so eloquently said, "fry him!" I happen to know a lot about the five different death penalty options available in the U.S, so the information given to Annie by JJ in the beginning is factual. The documentary is on YouTube by the way, very fascinating. It was important to me to have Emily let go of her anger in order to move on. I hope you are okay with how I did it and I hope you like the use of the quote. I want to thank you all for continuing to follow/read this story and especially, thank you to those who review every chapter. It means the world to me. Let me know what you thought and what you want to see next!**


	25. Chapter 25

Strength and Courage

Chapter 25

 **AN: Here is chapter 25! I'm glad you guys think last chapter functioned well without the flashback-I was worried about that. My mom is getting married this weekend, so it will be at least Sunday or Monday before I can update again. So expect the next chapter to be a couple of days late. I will probably be ending this story around chapter 30 (prob 31 or 32) before going on to the sequel, which will be called Strength and Healing. But more info on that is coming….Please continue to leave me awesome reviews! I'm kind of addicted…**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

A week after the sentencing, JJ decided to ask her wife for two things. The first she figured would be easy convincing. The latter, however, would probably take a fight.

"Emily?"

The tone of the blonde's voice concerned Emily. It was quintessential "I need something and I'm afraid to ask for it" JJ.

Emily was in the kitchen finishing up cleaning after dinner and JJ was sitting on the couch-the brunette had relegated her to the living room. Emily wiped her hands off on a paper towel and walked into the living room. "You need something, Jen?"

Emily had a feeling this was going to be a long conversation so she sat down on the couch next to her wife as JJ began speaking.

"Um, can we have a party on our anniversary?"

Emily could tell this was only part of it so she fished for more information. "You want to have a party?"

"Well, kind of. What I really want to do is…well, what do you think about renewing our vows?" The look on JJ's face was telling of the fact she was expecting to be shot down. Emily was the first person in her life who routinely gave her what she asked for (though Annie couldn't be blamed for not being able to buy everything JJ wanted) and because of it, JJ always assumed the answer would be no.

Emily was a little shocked by the request, but was instantly enamored by the idea. "I think that sounds amazing, and I think it's a good time to do it."

"Really?" JJ asked, hope rising in her voice.

Emily smiled and moved to sit closer to her wife, wrapping an arm around her. "Really. Maybe afterwards, you and I can take a little vacation. Nothing big, just something that would allow us to get away for a few days."

JJ loved the sound of that. She had been thinking over the last few days how it would be great to go on a little getaway with Emily. "I know it's only three months away. Will we have time to plan everything?"

Emily nodded. "Of course. I'll enlist the help of PG at work tomorrow."

The mention of the BAU reminded JJ of the second topic she wanted to broach with Emily. "Speaking of work, do you think I can go back tomorrow?" she asked.

Emily shrugged. "It's your decision, Jen, but I think it might be too soon."

"I really am fine, Em," JJ insisted.

Emily was frustrated with JJ's attempts to push herself further than she was ready for. It's something she had done since Emily had met her and the only difference now was that the brunette could usually tell when she was doing it. "You said you were fine last time too and you obviously weren't, so there's a very good reason for me to be concerned right now."

In all honesty, Emily was pretty sure her wife really believed she was ready to go back to work permanently. The problem with that is that JJ was also completely sure she was ready to go back to work two months ago, and then was triggered and had nightmares because of the Joseph Moore case.

"Emily, it's different now. Last time was months ago and it was before the trial and before I stood up to Erin. I promise if I think I can't be in the field, I'll stay at the station or I'll stay in Quantico with Penelope."

Emily sighed. "I don't want to control you, sweetie. If you think you're ready, then I trust your judgement. Just promise me you'll be careful."

JJ nodded. "Of course."

Emily patted her wife's thigh and stood up, making her way back into the kitchen.

"Hey, Em?"

Emily turned around. "Yeah, baby?"

"I know we haven't had a chance to talk much about the trial and the sentencing. I just wanted to say thank you...for what you said."

Emily smiled. "I only said what I felt. So thank you for that." The brunette blew her wife a kiss and then went back into the kitchen to make sure they had ingredients for Emily to make pancakes in the morning.

* * *

 _Two months after JJ's abduction, she decided it was time to go through the process of getting cleared for work, even if she was planning on extending her leave for another month. Dr. Chung had told JJ to call her when she was ready for follow up care, so she would be able to be the blonde's physician._

 _A few nurses had tested JJ for a variety of things just in case, and today she and Emily went to receive the results._

 _They had been seen by a nurse and were waiting for Dr. Chung and the test results in an exam room._

 _Emily was standing in a corner and JJ was sitting in a chair and fidgeting. Emily noticed her wife's nervousness. "Are you okay, Jen?"_

 _JJ gave her wife an unconvincing smile. "I'm fine, Em. Just a little nervous."_

" _I don't think she's going to do any more tests today," Emily attempted to comfort, assuming JJ was afraid of being poked and prodded some more._

" _No, um…" JJ considered telling her wife a lie, but then thought better of it. "It's actually the results I'm afraid of."_

 _Emily was confused for a moment, but soon understood what her wife was referring to. She went to sit next to JJ and took her hand. "Are you afraid you might have an STD?"_

 _JJ nodded. "I got tested right after we started to date just in case…you know, cause I'm not exactly sure what…um, those girls did to me, you know? I was negative for everything, otherwise I would have told you. But…um…what if I'm not negative for everything now?" The explanation and question were hard for JJ to get out, and multiple pauses were necessary in order for her to organize her thoughts._

" _Baby, if you're sick, we'll get you better. We'll make any necessary changes in our lives and we'll do whatever it takes for you to be healthy." Emily explained this as if it were the most obvious answer and did not require any thought. Of course, for Emily, this answer was obvious and did not require any thought, but JJ didn't see it that way._

" _You won't be…angry or anything?"_

 _Emily reached out to cradle her wife's face and spoke gently. "Sweetheart, how could I be angry at you for something that's not your fault?"_

 _JJ pondered that for a moment. She knew, as it was a rhetorical question, its purpose was to get her to think. It was hard for the blonde to not blame herself for what happened to her. If only she had struggled a little harder, fought a little more, screamed a little louder…._

 _The blonde profiler nodded after a few seconds and Emily had no time to reply before Dr. Chung walked in. "Good morning, ladies," she greeted with a kind smile. "How are you both doing today?" she asked and the agents could tell she genuinely wanted to know._

" _We're okay," Emily answered for them. "A little nervous."_

 _Dr. Chung nodded in understanding, opening the file in front of her. "Well, I wouldn't be so worried," she informed them, "as you're negative for everything we tested you for, JJ."_

 _Emily sighed in relief but JJ was still concerned. "_ Everything _?"_

 _Dr. Chung nodded. "And I'm not pregnant?" she clarified._

 _Dr. Chung shook her head. "You've taken several pregnancy tests and we went ahead and tested the blood sample we took last week because it's more accurate. They've all been negative. I promise you're not pregnant." JJ nodded, finally allowing herself to let go of that fear._

" _There is something I'm concerned about though," Dr. Chung added after a moment._

 _Both women looked at her with questioning gazes._

" _You've lost a significant amount of weight since your initial treatment in the ER two months ago."_

 _Emily's eyes widened. She knew JJ had lost weight; she was definitely not eating as much as she used to, but the brunette didn't know her wife was doing something dangerous. "How much is a significant amount of weight?"_

" _Almost thirty pounds," Dr. Chung informed. "When we weighed you last week, JJ, you were ninety-five pounds. If that was your natural weight, I wouldn't be so concerned, as you are relatively petite and of small build. But you weighed more than one hundred and twenty when you were here two months ago, and according to your medical history, that's about where you've been your entire adult life."_

" _So, what does that mean for me going back to work?" JJ asked._

" _Well, you've lost some muscle, so your weight would probably affect your physical strength. Tell you what- if you can reach one hundred and five pounds by the end of the month, I'll clear you. You have to wait for your psych eval anyway."_

 _JJ nodded. This wasn't going to be fun. The younger agent had a hard enough time eating the amount of food she was currently eating. How was she going to gain ten pounds in less than three weeks?_

" _Speaking of your psych eval," Dr. Chung continued, "can I ask how you're handling everything that's happened?"_

" _I'm doing okay," JJ replied with a shrug. "I started driving again a few weeks ago. I haven't gotten into an accident yet."_

" _Any nightmares?" the doctor asked._

 _JJ hated being asked these questions. Dr. Chung was a medical doctor, not a psychiatrist. JJ had a hard enough time meeting with the bureau shrink for her psychological evaluation. She didn't need to be interrogated about post-traumatic stress. "A couple times a week," she mumbled._

 _Dr. Chung could tell JJ didn't want to answer any more questions about her mental health, so she moved on to another question. "How do your ribs feel?"_

" _It hurts to laugh and cough, and sometimes they hurt if I put too much pressure on them." JJ stopped speaking and then remembered, "Didn't I do an x-ray last week?"_

 _Dr. Chung nodded. "Yes, you did," she replied, pulling out the x-ray from the file and showing it to JJ and Emily. "You're healing at an acceptable rate. Unfortunately, the number of broken ribs and the force behind the blows have made them heal slower than what would be ideal. They should be as good as new in a couple more months."_

 _JJ remembered the kicks that had caused her broken ribs, and it made complete sense to her why they were taking a long time to heal._

" _And your other injuries?"_

 _JJ wordlessly lifted her right arm and presented it to the doctor, letting her examine it. "Does it hurt anymore?" Dr. Chung asked._

 _JJ shook her head. "And has it leaked fluid at all?"_

 _The blonde agent knew that meant she had an infection, so she had examined the injury closely every few hours since she had gotten the stitches. "Not at all."_

 _Dr. Chung released JJ's arm and wrote something in the file in front of her. "Are the bruises on your inner thighs gone?"_

 _The truth was JJ wasn't exactly sure of the answer to that question. She had forced herself to examine those bruises until she saw them start to fade, and hadn't looked at them since. "All gone."_

" _And any pain there?" JJ knew Dr. Chung wasn't referring to the bruises._

 _JJ shook her head. And she was telling the truth, for the most part. The only time she was reminded of the physical injury there is when she forgot to sit down gently._

 _Dr. Chung nodded, satisfied. "Alright. I'll have you come back in on the twenty-ninth if that's okay. We'll weigh you one more time and do one last exam and if everything goes well, I'll clear you for work, starting the first of next month. Sound good?"_

 _Both agents nodded. "Thank you, Dr. Chung," Emily said, reaching out her hand to shake. JJ did the same and then the two left._

 _Both women were quiet on the drive home until JJ noticed Emily pull into a drive thru. "What are you doing?" JJ asked._

 _Emily looked at her wife. "Stuffing your face with food."_

* * *

"Welcome back, 2.0!" shrieked Penelope as JJ and Emily entered the roundtable room the next day. Emily and Penelope had talked for an hour that morning about her and JJ's anniversary/vow renewal ceremony party.

Hotch had called the team into the roundtable room in order to present a new case. Once they had all gathered, he said, "Alright, we have a case right here in DC."

Emily met eyes with Penelope across the table. The last time they had had a case in DC, JJ had been kidnapped.

Hotch could feel the concerned atmosphere in the room, so the first thing he said about the case was, "The three victims were Hispanic females." Once he had allowed enough time for the team to realize none of them in particular were in danger, the unit chief continued. "All victims were in their late twenties, all confirmed Heroin users, all raped and strangled and disposed of on the side of the road. Reid, you come with me to the latest dumping site. Dave, you and Morgan talk to the M.E. Garcia, JJ, Prentiss, go set up at the station—Local PD is waiting for you."

JJ stood up first, gave a reassuring smile to the concerned faces pointing in her direction, said "Let's go kick some criminal ass," and strode out of the room.

 **AN: What did you think? This case is going to set up a really important sequel plot line. I am sorry I won't be able to update for the rest of the week or the weekend. I will hopefully be able to update by the beginning of next week. Please shoot me a review!**


	26. Chapter 26

Strength and Courage

Chapter 26

 **AN: I'm back! The wedding was amazing but exhausting, so I needed a few days to recuperate, but never fear—here is chapter 26! It's the last major major plot point in this story, and then I'm gonna tie up some loose ends before the sequel.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

Penelope, JJ, and Emily arrived at the local police department in record time. Hotch had told them to work on victimology together while the rest of the team checked out dumping sites and M.O as it pertained to the victims' injuries. After the rest of the team returned and shared the information they had gathered, they took a break for lunch. The female agents remained, engrossed in their discussion.

The three women were sitting at a table in a break room discussing the first victim, Mariana Lopez, when the head detective entered. He nodded in greeting and then addressed JJ. "How long have you been back at work?"

Detective George Elliott had been with D.C PD for more than twenty years, and therefore had been the leading detective on the Shaffer case.

Without looking up from the file in front of her, the agent replied, "Today's my first day back after the trial."

Detective Elliott looked skeptical. "And you're okay to be here? I mean, you're not gonna run off again and get abducted, are you?"

JJ couldn't resist looking up at this comment. This was the first time since the trial that anyone had said anything to her that implied she was somehow at fault for what happened, and although at this point, she understood completely that everything that happened to her on that dreadful day was Shaffer's fault alone, it still hurt. JJ opened her mouth in order to reply and then closed it several times, searching for any words that would get her point across without making interacting with the detective for the rest of the case even more awkward and uncomfortable than it was already.

Finally, Emily spoke, softly, as if adding any more volume to her voice would cause the brunette to explode in anger. "Jen is fine, Detective." She said no more; they had an unsub to catch and so she had to cooperate with the ignorant man.

Sufficiently appeased, Detective Elliott moved on. "Have you found a pattern with victimology?"

Garcia perked up at this question, eager to diffuse the negative energy that had collected in the room. "Our first victim, Mariana Lopez, twenty-eight. Heroin addict, had two children. Our second victim, Ana Gutierrez, twenty-six. Heroin addict, two children. Catalina Martinez, twenty-nine. Heroin addict, two children. See a pattern?"

"They're all mothers," JJ observed. "Could the unsub be making a statement about drug use in parents?"

Emily shook her head. "It's awfully specific. One ethnicity, one specific drug, one age group, even the same number of children."

"You think they're surrogates," JJ said and Emily nodded.

"Do you think that one of the victims was the object of the unsub's rage?" Detective Elliott asked.

Emily turned a page in her file. "Probably not. We'd see evidence of overkill, more rage. All of the victims' injuries were similar. Whoever the woman who triggered this is, she's not one of our victims."

"Are we ready to deliver the profile?" Penelope questioned.

"I think so," JJ responded. "And we have no clue when he'll kill again, so the sooner we break this case, the better."

* * *

 _A few months after they were married, Emily and JJ babysat Jack for Hotch and Haley. The baby was almost two-years-old and, although quite a handful, ridiculously adorable. After they had gotten him to bed, the two sat on the couch in the Hotchners' living room, talking._

" _You want one of those someday?" Emily asked during a quiet moment._

 _JJ sighed. "I don't know. The idea of having a baby scares me a little and I get the impression it's not something you'd want to do."_

 _Emily shrugged. "I don't particularly want to play host to a parasitic organism for ten months, but…"_

 _JJ looked up at her wife's words to find a satisfied smirk on her lips. She shoved her arm gently. "Dork."_

" _There are other ways to have children, Jen."_

 _JJ thought for a moment. "Why do you think the idea of being pregnant scares me?"_

 _Emily pondered the question. "Well, I think—and this is gonna sound like a bit of a stretch—that you associate being pregnant with a heteronormative lifestyle. I think you feel some serious shame about your sexuality, Jen, and-"Emily cut herself off._

" _Will you finish that thought? You're really good at profiling me and I want to know." Normally, when JJ noticed her wife profiling her, it annoyed her to no end and she made sure it stopped immediately. But when the blonde agent was feeling conflicted, no one could figure her out like Emily and the skills the brunette had often proved to be incredibly helpful._

" _Well, kind of going off of what I just said, you associate being pregnant with sex—namely, sex you don't want. That reminds you of the women before me, of the trauma they caused. Also, when there's a baby inside you, you don't really have control of your body. That scares you too."_

" _Hmm…." JJ digested the information, knowing that Emily was absolutely correct in all her evaluations. "I'm even afraid to own a dog after what happened with Tobias Hankel." The former media liaison huffed in frustration. "It's so irrational."_

" _You don't like being reminded of things that traumatized you. There's nothing irrational about that."_

" _I'm way to easily traumatized."_

 _Emily reached out to take her wife's hand gently. "You've been through a lot of traumatizing things."_

" _I don't know," JJ sighed. "Spence got tortured and addicted to dilaudid and I got afraid of dogs….Doesn't exactly seem equal."_

" _You can't compare things like that, Jen," Emily advised. "It's like apples and oranges, and you know that."_

 _JJ nodded. "You'd be okay if we never had kids?"_

 _Emily smiled. "I married you because I love you, not because of your uterus."_

 _JJ laughed. "And I'm not saying never right now. I'm just not in a good place for motherhood at this point."_

" _Of course," Emily replied, giving her wife's hand a squeeze. "We'll know if and when the time is right."_

* * *

"The unsub is a white or Hispanic man, probably in his early to mid-thirties. We believe he has two children with a Hispanic heroin addict who has put her addiction before her children's well-being. This angered our unsub and triggered him to take out his rage on women who reminded him of his object of rage." JJ delivered the short, but detailed, profile to the members of the local police department and then went back into the breakroom with Penelope to look for more leads to follow.

"Penelope, I have an idea." The thought had hit the woman over the head so hard, it took her several seconds to form words. "Instead of looking for men who fit the unsub's profile, look for women who fit the victims'."

"My blonde beauty, you are a genius." The tech analyst began typing away, hoping her search would lead her to the unsub's object of rage.

After a few seconds, Garcia gasped.

"Did you find something, Pen?"

Penelope nodded her head vigorously. "Get the team in here!" she blurted.

JJ ushered everyone inside the break room quickly and then Penelope began speaking. "Gabriela Cortez. In prison for drugs. She has six-year-old twins, Anthony and Francesca, with a man named Nicholas D'Agostino. Nicholas has custody of the kids."

"D'Agostino fits the profile," Morgan observed.

Hotch nodded. "Morgan, Reid, and I'll take the workplace. Rossi, Prentiss, JJ, take the house—be careful, the kids might be there."

The team split up to travel to their assigned locations. As Emily, JJ, and Rossi reached the house, they heard gunshots from inside. Emily kicked the door down with restrained force and her gaze was immediately met with that of a scared little girl.

The brunette's face instantly softened. "Are you Francesca?"

The girl nodded as tears came down her cheeks. "Please help my brother," she begged in hysterics.

"Francesca, sweetie, can you tell me where your dad is?"

"He's in his bedroom with Tony. Please save him!"

Emily and JJ's eyes connected and the blonde reached out to the little girl. "Francesca, my name is Jennifer. Will you please come with me?" Emily and Rossi began to head towards the bedroom

The girl shook her head. "Promise me you're gonna save Tony first!"

JJ sighed and picked the girl up, carrying her out of the house before speaking to her. "Did you see my friends Emily and Dave walk to your dad's bedroom?"

Francesca nodded. "They're gonna save Tony?"

JJ nodded, hoping desperately that she wasn't making an empty promise. The blonde heard a shot ring out and instinctively wrapped her arms around the girl to protect her. Moments later, she saw Emily peek her head out of the door. "Unsub is down," she whispered to JJ. "The boy is fine. Dave is bringing him out."

JJ sighed in relief. The moment Francesca saw her brother, she threw herself at him. The two hugged and cried together. Rossi went to call for someone to remove D'Agostino's body. After their hug, Tony turned to JJ and Emily. "Is daddy dead?"

Neither women knew what to say to the kid. After a moment, Francesca said, "He is, right?"

JJ nodded slowly. What happened next, she was not expecting. The twins wrapped their arms around her tightly and mumbled "thank you" over and over. Francesca even said something that sounded a lot like, "you saved us."

JJ and Emily weren't exactly sure what had happened to the kids, but they knew their father was not kind to them. The two female agents drove the twins back to the station. Francesca and Tony had opened up slightly to Emily and JJ, but as soon as they arrived at the station, they went mute. The two women sat them on a bench with some lollipops and coloring books, leaving them to their own devices, but not before sharing a meaningful glance.

Hotch was finishing debriefing Detective Elliott on the outcome of the case when JJ knocked on the door. "Hotch, can I speak to you for a minute?"

Detective Elliott got up and left his office.

"What do you need, JJ?" asked Hotch, writing in the file in front of him.

"We can take them."

Hotch looked up from his writing. "What do you mean?"

"The twins. They need somewhere to go. We can take them."

Hotch sighed. "JJ, that's not possible."

"Why not? We have the room, the means to find out what they've been through and help them….They started opening up to us, Hotch. They trust us."

"JJ," Hotch explained, "it has nothing to do with whether or not you and Emily could properly care for Anthony and Francesca. You don't have a fostering license."

"We could get one."

"Not in time." Hotch stood up and began leading JJ out of Detective Elliott's office. "Social services are on their way. They'll be placed in a group home for now, and hopefully will be placed in a foster home within a few months. They could be adopted fairly quickly."

JJ almost rolled her eyes. She stopped Hotch from leaving the office. "Hotch, you don't have to say that to comfort me. No one is going to want to adopt kids like them. You know that. They'll stay in the system until they're eighteen and then they'll end up on the streets. I read the file on their mother. She was a foster kid too. You really want them to repeat the cycle?"

Hotch sighed. "I'm genuinely sorry that I can't help you, JJ."

JJ didn't say one more word the rest of the day. She silently watched as two men from social services carried the crying children away from the only two people they had begun to trust. All she had ever wanted to do was help people. Today, JJ had failed.

 **AN: So what did you think? Worth the wait? I want to thank all of my regular reviewers. I appreciate you all so much! Please review guys!**


	27. Chapter 27

Strength and Courage

Chapter 27

 **AN: Here is chapter 27! Only three more chapters left after this until the end. Feel free to give me ideas for the sequel—I have a lot already, but I'm always open to more. Thank you as always to all my reviewers. I appreciate you all so much. I have 84 followers! Wow! Thank you all for reading and I'm glad you like the story!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

Over the next few weeks and months, Emily was able to distract JJ from her sadness regarding Anthony and Francesca with party planning. The two had decided to have a small gathering at their house. Reid had been ordained five years ago so he could officiate JJ and Emily's wedding, and now he was going to serve as "officiant" for his friends' vow renewal ceremony.

JJ and Emily had worked tirelessly with Penelope to make their party perfect. The entire BAU and their families were coming along with JJ's mother. The women of the BAU had decided on decorations for the ceremony, which was going to be held outside in JJ and Emily's backyard.

Penelope had gone with each of them to pick out an outfit for the ceremony. The tech analyst had suggested that they both wear wedding dresses, but as Emily had so eloquently explained to her, this was not a wedding, this was a celebration of the couple's five years of marriage. JJ had decided on a floor length gown that was purple and rather simple. Emily chose to wear an elegant pantsuit.

JJ and Emily had talked about it and were now in the process of becoming licensed to foster. They didn't know for sure if they wanted to adopt or even foster in the near future, but they wanted to be able to help a child if they ever came across a situation like Tony and Francesca's again.

Besides her disappointment at what happened with the twins, JJ had been feeling relatively at peace lately. She felt she had been taking really good care of herself. She had been very comfortable with Emily; in fact, the two had made significant progress in reclaiming their physical relationship. They hadn't gone all the way yet, but JJ had kept her goal in mind throughout the months the two had been doing relearning touch exercises.

The day before the party, JJ was sitting on the couch in the living room drinking tea when her wife walked in and plopped a newspaper in front of her.

JJ looked up. "What's this?"

Emily smirked and gently took JJ's mug from her. "Read it."

The blonde looked down skeptically and read the headline in front of her. "Is this real?"

Emily nodded. "It was on the news this morning. I got a call from Reynolds too. It's completely legit."

"Wow." JJ shook her head with a laugh. "You know, I can't say I'm surprised."

Emily agreed. "Internalized homophobia is a toxic thing," she commented, taking the newspaper out of JJ's hand and placing it on the table, with the headline facing up.

It said:

"Defense Attorney Discovered to be Having Sexual Relations with Underage Boys."

* * *

 _JJ and Emily had had a beautiful wedding. Having Spencer officiate was an amazing idea and everything went perfectly. They were finally Mrs. and Mrs. Prentiss. They had decided to honeymoon in a cabin that JJ's mom owned in the Allegheny Mountains._

 _Emily was excited about this. The view was beautiful. JJ was exquisite._

 _They entered the cabin exhausted. Emily had attempted to carry her new wife through the threshold, but JJ hadn't let her. She was perfectly capable of walking through the door, and besides, they were both women—they didn't need to create roles for themselves._

 _"It was really nice of your mom to let us use the cabin," Emily commented as they put their things down in the largest room of the cabin, the bedroom._

 _"My mom loves you," JJ reminded. "She does nice things for people she loves." JJ walked to her wife and wrapped her arms around her neck, placing a sweet kiss to her lips._

 _Emily kissed her back and then stepped out of the embrace in order to organize their things._

 _"We can unpack tomorrow, Em," JJ said. "I need to get out of this dress."_

 _Emily laughed. "You should have chosen a more comfortable dress."_

 _"It was very comfortable," the blonde replied, "for the first five hours."_

 _Emily kissed her wife and then grabbed a T-Shirt and some underwear before walking into the bathroom and closing the door behind her._

 _JJ managed to get the dress off by herself and then she carefully placed it back into the bag it came in, before hanging it up on a door so it wouldn't wrinkle._

 _Instead of immediately getting dressed, she became preoccupied with her thoughts. After all that had happened in her life, JJ had found someone who genuinely loved her and wanted to be with her. She didn't always remember this fact and sometimes it took lots of convincing from Emily for her to truly believe she was worthy of the love her new wife freely gave her, with no strings attached. JJ had vowed to herself to not let thoughts of Erin and the others ruin her wedding day or wedding night, so she pushed the negativity out of her mind as she gingerly took off the strapless bra she was wearing before putting it in a plastic bag._

 _JJ then did the same thing with her underwear before walking and standing in front of the full-length mirror in the room. She had one small scar on her stomach; it was a horizontal line, about one inch in length. JJ ran the pointer finger of her right hand along it, taking a deep breath. Despite her imperfections, despite all her mind and body had been through, Emily truly, deeply loved her. And there was no reason for JJ to not believe that anymore. She didn't need to hide her vulnerability with Emily. Emily embraced JJ's "weak" moments as times of true beauty and authenticity, and always told her she was proud of her when she admitted to having a moment of doubt or fear._

 _Though the other things moved JJ, the most powerful indicator of Emily's love existed in her touch. The intentional gentleness behind every gesture, every graze, took JJ to a place that made her feel beautiful and deserving every time. It served as a tender reminder of all Emily had told her she was entitled to over a year ago. Not only did Emily say these things, she embodied them. She practiced what she preached, always. And JJ couldn't have been more grateful._

 _Distracted by her thoughts, JJ didn't hear her wife open the bathroom door and walk into the bedroom. Although she was looking at herself in the mirror, she didn't see Emily come up behind her and wrap her arms tightly around her. "Hi," Emily sighed, nuzzling her nose into JJ's hair._

 _JJ couldn't help the immediate smile that graced the delicate features of her face as she replied. "Hey you."_

 _The two remained in the intense embrace for several moments before Emily decided to lighten the mood. "You trying to save time by not putting on clothes at all?"_

 _JJ chuckled lightly, moving a finger along one of Emily's hands that rested on her stomach. "The honest answer is no. I, um, I got distracted."_

 _Emily kissed her wife's hair. "By what?"_

 _"How much I love you. How grateful I am. How lucky I feel."_

 _Emily sighed, squeezing JJ tighter to her. "Baby, you know you never have to thank me for loving you."_

 _"I know," JJ replied. "I want to."_

* * *

On the day of the party, JJ faced a déjà vu moment while getting ready. Right after she had undressed herself, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She stood up fully and walked to it, looking at herself. She didn't feel much. She felt sort of like an objective observer as she gazed at her scars. Five years ago, there was just one. Today, there were dozens. There were maybe thirty or forty lining her torso and arms. She took a deep breath. Emily had seen these scars. She still loved her, still wanted her. Everything was okay. But for some reason, the blonde couldn't pull her eyes away from the mirror. She couldn't help but to run her hands over each and every scar, lingering on the larger ones.

Emily was speaking to the caterer downstairs, making final plans. Afterwards, she crossed Penelope's path, asking her to keep an eye on everyone while she got dressed.

For some reason, the brunette had a lapse in judgement. The closed door didn't stop her as it usually did, but for some reason, made her want to go into her bedroom more. Emily opened the door to the room and walked in, closing it behind her. She turned around and saw her wife, naked, staring at herself in the mirror. JJ didn't react.

"Oh my God! Jen, I am so sorry, I should have knocked." Emily felt awful. It had been an unspoken rule between the two of them for months that if the door to their bedroom was closed, Emily had to knock. The brunette turned to leave.

"You shouldn't have to knock to enter your own room."

JJ's voice was soft, but it was sure. She was tired of Emily trying to do things to make her more comfortable when in actuality it made her feel worse.

"If it makes you more comfortable for me to knock, then I'll knock. It's not a problem for me." Emily took a hesitant step towards her wife.

JJ sighed. "It's not your presence that makes me uncomfortable, Em."

With those words, Emily stepped even closer to her wife. Standing about arms' reach behind her, she reached forward with one hand to place it on JJ's right shoulder.

The two made eye contact in the mirror in front of them. "Then what is it exactly?"

JJ sighed again, frustrated, reaching a hand behind her to place it on top of Emily's. "I feel so detached from my own body," she explained.

Emily gently removed her hand from her wife's shoulder before stepping forward and placing either hand on both of JJ's upper arms, squeezing lightly. "It worked then."

JJ was confused. "What worked?"

Emily explained, "Since what happened, I've seen you try to detach your physical self from your emotional self. You haven't paid any attention to your body in almost a year. And right now, it seems to have worked."

"I don't know what you mean, Emily," the blonde defended herself. "I've taken care of myself. We've been doing the relearning touch stuff."

Emily nodded, beginning to move her hands up and down JJ's arms, reminding her that she was there to help. She wasn't antagonizing her or criticizing her. "And it helped for a while. But when you started to feel something, when the excercises began to turn you on-" Emily noticed her wife's uncomfortable expression in the mirror, "—you detached. I don't blame you. The problem is because it's been so long, I don't think you remember what it's like to really, truly feel. You're afraid of it, you're afraid to feel because you're afraid that what you're going to feel will be pain."

"Is that why I'm in here poking and prodding myself like a foreign object?"

Emily smiled lightly as she wrapped her arms slowly around JJ and placed a kiss to her wife's cheek. "I remember your goal for tonight, Jen. I'm not ignoring it. But if you want it to be a possibility, you need to reconnect with yourself, if only in your mind."

JJ smiled. "Thank you. I think I needed to hear all that."

Emily gently turned JJ around and kissed her lips tenderly. "You know you never have to thank me for loving you."

JJ's smile widened. "I know. I want to."

 **AN: So what did you think? What do you want to happen at the party? Let me know what you want to happen and how you feel about this one! Thanks guys! Stay tuned for the last three chapters!**


	28. Chapter 28

Strength and Courage

Chapter 28

 **AN: Here is chapter 28! I reached 20,000 views today, which I am absolutely ecstatic about. I am at 178 reviews, and I like round numbers, so: If I can get 200 reviews by the time I post the first chapter of the sequel, I'll give you guys an extra quick update or something like that. I'll figure that out later. Only two more chapters after this. I am sad to be ending this story, but so excited for the sequel. It has been and is going to continue to be an amazing journey!**

 **In this chapter, there is a reference to two Melissa Etheridge songs. The first is "I Have Loved You Before". JJ and Emily danced to that one at their wedding. They danced to "I Can Wait" at the vow renewal ceremony. And their vows are based on the songs. I highly suggest you at least look up the lyrics because they add to the story greatly.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

Penelope knocked on the door in front of her.

"Who is it?" She heard called from inside the room.

"It's God," JJ heard called back to her.

The blonde profiler laughed. "Come on in, Penelope."

Penelope skipped in. "Twenty minutes until—oh my god!"

JJ was a little scared for a moment until she realized what her friend was reacting to and then laughed.

"Oh my god, Jayje," Penelope whispered reverently. "I just called myself God, but I was mistaken. You are a goddess."

JJ giggled. "Thanks, Penelope. Where's Emily?"

"She's making final arrangements to be sure everything is perfect," Penelope replied.

"Of course that's what she's doing. Always a perfectionist."

"Hey, I heard that Davis creep is going to jail. Is that true?"

JJ nodded. "I think so. He was caught having sex with teenage boys. Last I checked, that was illegal."

As she spoke, JJ began to pace back and forth through the bedroom. Why was she doing this? This wasn't her actual wedding day. There was nothing to be nervous about. She and Emily were simply going to stand up in front of their friends and family and speak slightly updated vows to each other. They were already married.

"You okay there, Jayje?" Penelope asked, concerned for her friend.

"Yeah, I'm fine," JJ replied. "Just a little nervous."

"About the ceremony?"

"Kind of."

The truth was JJ was more afraid of what might happen later, or more accurately, what might not happen. She had worked too hard, too long, to not be able to have sex with her wife on their wedding anniversary. It had been almost nine months since her abduction, and she had grown undoubtedly in the past three quarters of a year. She had healed exponentially from the trauma inflicted on her by Erin, by Brittany, by Elizabeth, and by Shaffer. She had worked too hard to let them win. Not this time.

There was another knock on the door. This time it was Emily. "You ready?"

Penelope opened the door. "I'm gonna give you ladies some time together. Be downstairs in ten minutes." The blonde tech analyst smirked before walking past Emily and down the stairs to wait.

Emily walked in and closed the door behind her. "Are you feeling better than you did earlier?" she asked as the two of them sat down on the bed to talk.

JJ nodded. "I feel a lot better. I think that I'm more present now."

Emily smiled and brushed a piece of JJ's hair behind her left ear. "Good. You look really beautiful by the way."

JJ couldn't stop the blush. "Thanks. So do you."

Emily took a deep breath. "Can I give you some advice?"

JJ nodded. "Your advice is always welcome."

"You said you feel like you're more present now. And that's good. But I'm going to challenge you to go one step farther. I can see the wheels in your head turning. Can you try not to think about tonight? You'll ruin today if all you're doing is stressing about later. I'll tell you right now too—we won't even try if you can't be in the moment during the party. And I'll be able to tell. I'm not trying to 'punish' you or anything, Jen. I'm trying to keep you from erasing months' worth of healing, okay?"

JJ nodded. "You're right, and I'm really going to try to not think about it. If I'm that nervous, it's probably not a good idea anyway."

Emily placed a hand on one of her wife's thighs, pleased when there was no negative reaction. "I don't think you're that nervous. I think you're psyching yourself out. Just listen to your heart, okay? I told you that when we first started dating. Your instincts won't be wrong here. And you don't have to make a decision now, or at all even."

"It's really less complicated than I'm making it out to be, huh?" JJ laughed lightly at herself.

Emily nodded, squeezing the leg under her hand gently. "It always has been."

* * *

 _"And now I invite Emily and JJ to share their vows with one another." Spencer, for all his awkwardness, was doing a very good job officiating his friends' wedding. It felt almost as natural to him as giving a speech on human behavior or planetary phenomena._

 _Emily went first. "Jennifer," she started, but then had to pause because her voice broke. "I love you." The first sentence was the simplest and should have been the easiest to get out, but it was proving to be a more difficult task than Emily had anticipated. "I have no doubt that you are my soul mate, that we have known each other in previous lives, that we will be together forever." Tears were falling freely down the brunettes face at this point, and JJ squeezed both of her hands to encourage her to keep going. "I know people have made you empty promises in the past. I know that you have been hurt by people who were supposed to love you. I don't know why anyone would think anything about you other than that you are absolutely amazing. What I do know is this: As long as I am alive, you will never be hurt like that again. I will make sure of it. I will love you, cherish you, adore you, worship you, and protect you for as long as I shall live…and then, I'll haunt you." Everyone in attendance laughed at that. "What I do know is this: I have loved you before. I love you now. I will love you forever."_

 _Spencer waited a moment as both women tried to get themselves together. "JJ?"_

 _"No one knows me like you do. In every situation, you know exactly what I need before I even know I need anything at all. Just hearing your voice can ground me and center me. Just seeing your smile is soothing; it's like coming home. I am so thankful for you_ _. I have to thank you for being my north star, for being my rock through everything, for staying true to vows you are just now voicing aloud. I am so incredibly proud to be standing here, in front of everyone we love, and say that I love you and to say thank you. You are my everything, and for the first time in my life, I can say that in front of a group of people and be proud to say it. There is nothing I can ever do to thank you for all you've done for me, but I'll spend the rest of my life trying."_

 _There was not a dry eye in the room. After their vows, the women sealed the deal with a kiss._

 _It soon came time for their first dance as a married couple. They danced to "I Have Loved You Before" by Melissa Etheridge, and Emily sang (badly) to her new wife the entire song._

 _As the song came to its end, Emily whispered in JJ's ear: "When there's no one else that makes me whole, I am never wanting more, I get this feeling. I know I've loved you before."_

* * *

"Jennifer," the brunette started. "I love you." It was the same beginning of the speech she gave five years ago, but this time, it meant so much more. "I know I say that all the time, but I say it because I need to. I need you to know. I need you to understand. I love you, regardless of what has happened to you. I love you, regardless of your scars. I love you, regardless of how long it takes for you to understand. I love you, regardless of time, of struggles. I will be here forever, not because I feel obligated to, but because I want to. Because I love you."

"I know you never want me to thank you for loving me, but honestly, Em, I have to. I have to thank you for not only putting up with my special circumstances, but embracing them like you're honored to take them on. I have to thank you for loving me more and treating me better than I've loved and treated myself. I have to thank you for having the patience of a saint. It's been a journey, and I know it's really just starting, but I know with you, I can win any battle I face. I have to thank you for loving me. I have to thank you for letting me love you because that has been the greatest experience of my life. Being your wife, being Mrs. Prentiss, has been the greatest honor and privilege I've ever had. So thank you."

Instead of waiting for Spencer to tell them to kiss, the two women wrapped their arms around each other and hugged. Ugly sobs could be heard coming from the attendants of the ceremony. Morgan and Garcia were holding hands tightly. So were Rossi and Strauss. Annie wrapped an arm around Hotch who was a mess. Spencer was crying himself, so it was good that the women had decided to take matters into their own hands.

When JJ and Emily finally pulled apart, they each took turns wiping away each other's tears. "You okay?" They asked each other at the same time, earning a laugh from all in attendance as they both nodded in response to the question.

They had a first dance as well, to a song called "I Can Wait" by Melissa Etheridge, which contained lyrics promising to always be there despite the demons the person she was singing to was facing.

As they danced, Emily sang to JJ just like she did at their actual wedding. After the dance, the party really began. Each woman spoke to the team and JJ's mom for a few minutes each.

Before long, it was time for the party to end. JJ and Emily had again decided to vacation in Annie's cabin, so they began the drive into the mountains. They held hands the entire time in a peaceful silence.

Once they arrived, they sat in the car for a few minutes. "Are you okay, Jen?" Emily asked.

JJ smiled. "Yeah, I'm fine." She squeezed her wife's hand. "Thank you for letting us do this."

Emily wasn't exactly sure what her wife was referring to, but she laughed anyway. "You really need to stop thanking me for stuff. It's not all for you, you know."

Emily was pretty sure what JJ had been referring to when she saw her blush furiously. The brunette squeezed her wife's hand, making sure she knew she didn't need to be embarrassed. "You wanna go inside?" JJ nodded.

JJ led her wife to the door and then stopped short.

Emily was confused. "What?"

JJ smirked. "I want you to carry me through the threshold."

Emily was still confused, considering JJ wanted to walk through the door by herself on their actual wedding day, and now she was requesting to be picked up.

JJ could tell Emily didn't understand. "Five years ago, I needed to prove my own independence to myself. Now, I know being independent doesn't mean I don't need anyone. Metaphorically, you carry me everywhere. Why not make it literal?"

Emily laughed, though completely aware of the significance of the words her wife was speaking. She reached out her arms and picked JJ up. "Let's go."

 **AN: What do you think? Two more chapters left. Next chapter will have sexual content. Please help me to get to 200 reviews by the time I post the sequel. Thank you all so much!**


	29. Chapter 29

Strength and Courage

Chapter 29

 **AN: Here is the second to last chapter! It's a big one. I should have the last chapter up by this weekend. I have to warn you that I cried writing this, so…good luck friends! Hope you enjoy and let me know what you think! Remember, if I reach 200 reviews by the end of this story, I'll do an extra chapter or something else, if you give me ideas.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

Once Emily had carried her wife into the cabin, she set her down and went outside to retrieve their bags. JJ followed Emily into the bedroom silently. Without words, Emily began to unpack, and before long, an air of awkwardness settled around them.

Neither one of them knew how to start this conversation. _Should_ they even have a conversation about this? Of course they should and Emily, especially, knew this. But how to start? They were both so preoccupied with not making the other uncomfortable, they had inadvertently done just that by maintaining this silence.

JJ began to unpack her things as well. They placed their clothes into neatly packed drawers, the same thing they were attempting to do with their thoughts. They had decided to stay at the cabin for a week, so it would be easier to have their clothing in drawers than in their bags.

Once all their clothes had been put away, there was nothing else to do but sit in silence. Emily knew she was the one who needed to begin this conversation, but she couldn't bring herself to. The truth was she was more afraid of tonight's possibilities than JJ was, but she would never admit that to her wife. Tonight wasn't about Emily anyway. Luckily, the brunette had remembered another compartment in her bag which she had forgotten to unpack. She commenced to work on that while her wife sat on the king sized bed in the bedroom twiddling her thumbs.

After a few minutes, something unexpected happened: JJ spoke.

"Emily?"

The woman in question continued to unpack and didn't look up. "Yes, Jennifer?"

JJ took a deep breath. "Can we have sex tonight?"

Emily stopped unpacking. JJ had not once ever outright asked for sex. She had said "I don't want to go to bed yet" among other things, she had even once gone so far as to remove all her clothes and stand before her wife, like an offering. But she had never once asked her wife if they could have sex. Emily was so moved by the question she almost forgot to reply.

It took her so long to speak, actually, that JJ was beginning to feel rejected. This was something they had talked about for months, and every indicator seemed to be pointing towards it actually happening. There was the hiccup earlier that day, but JJ had took some time to really think about things and really connect with herself, and she was absolutely sure it would work out.

The blonde nodded. "I understand." She began to walk into the bathroom so she could put on the pajamas she had grabbed moments ago.

Emily reached out and grabbed her hand just as it was becoming too far way to reach. "Jen. I didn't say no."

JJ stopped trying to pull away. "You didn't say yes. The absence of a no does not equate the presence of a yes." The look on the blonde's face proved she was dead serious, and although Emily was frustrated by the situation, she couldn't help but to be somewhat satisfied at the blonde's argument. She was right.

Emily cleared her throat. "Yes. Yes, we can. I promised you we would try. Have I ever broken a promise to you?"

JJ used the leverage of having her wife's hand in hers to pull Emily closer to her. "Never."

* * *

 _"I cannot believe I did that!"_

 _JJ was currently sitting in Garcia's lair, giving her a summary of the girls' night she had missed a few evenings before. She had missed quite a show._

 _"You really told Emily you're in love with her?" Garcia was disappointed to have had missed this moment._

 _"I was drunk, Pen," JJ tried to explain to her friend._

 _Penelope shook her head. "Alcohol only makes you more honest. You really love her."_

 _JJ sighed. "You can't tell anyone."_

 _"My perfect lips are sealed. But yours shouldn't be. Tell her."_

 _"Emily probably isn't even gay," JJ rationalized._

 _"Jayje, I promise you she is. Besides, you said before that you heard her telling my Chocolate Adonis she had feelings for you. You got this one in the bag. But she knows you don't do relationships, so she won't ask you out. You have to talk to her, Jayje."_

 _JJ pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration. "What if she rejects me?" This was the question she asked out loud, but inside her mind she was asking other things._

 _What if she hurts me?_

 _What if she is only pretending to like me?_

 _What if she thinks I'm worthless?_

 _What if Erin was right?_

 _"Have you_ met _Emily?" Garcia stressed. "She's a sappy sappity sap sap. She will be so relieved. C'mon, Jayje, you've been ignoring each other for days. Even Spencer has noticed."_

 _"Okay, I'll talk to her. Her shift is ending anyway," JJ said, checking her watch. "Thanks, PG." JJ hugged her friend._

 _"No problem, Jayje. It is my all-knowing pleasure."_

 _JJ walked out into the bullpen, searching for her best friend as she walked. When she found her at her desk, the blonde changed the direction of her strides._

 _Emily was working on a preliminary profile, but she wasn't really paying attention to it. She was too distracted to care very much about an unsub in Kansas City, raping and murdering young, educated women. Was the blonde really in love with her? It didn't make any sense; Garcia had told her that JJ didn't date…like, ever. The brunette profiler felt a presence behind her and she didn't need to hear her voice to know who it was. "Hi, Jen," she greeted cordially, trying to keep the emotion out of her voice._

 _JJ walked around the desk in order to stand in front of it and make eye contact with Emily. There was confusion in her eyes, but JJ could tell without a doubt that there was love twinkling in those chocolate orbs as well. "Hey, Em. Can…we…uh, go somewhere to talk about what happened Friday?"_

 _Emily put down her pen and looked up at JJ. "Where?"_

 _"Uh, my place? I can order Chinese or something?"_ Shit, _Jennifer thought._ That was a mistake.

 _Emily's eyes brightened. "Sure. Let me just finish this profile. I'll meet you at your place in an hour or so."_

 _JJ nodded, trying to keep her breathing even. "Cool. See you then."_

 _When JJ arrived home, she didn't know what to do. Should she make the place look romantic? What if it didn't end well? She probably shouldn't do anything to make it even more awkward than it already would be. JJ ordered the food and then spent the next thirty minutes pacing her entire apartment. When the doorbell rang, she jumped. Looking out the peephole, she saw it was a Chinese Food delivery man. She collected the food and paid the man before placing it on the table in her small kitchen, before commencing her pacing._

 _Fifteen minutes later, the doorbell rang again. JJ smoothed the skirt she had been wearing all day and then briskly walked to the door. She opened it with one jerk, plastering a smile on her face. "Hey, Em. Come on in."_

 _Emily couldn't help but smile when she saw her best friend. "Hey, Jennifer." She walked inside and JJ closed the door behind her._

 _JJ didn't know why Emily never called her by her nickname, but she did know that she liked it. A lot._

 _It was then that JJ noticed the roses that Emily carried. "Are…are those for me?" JJ suddenly found it difficult to speak._

 _Emily nodded with a big smile, handing them to her._

 _"Thanks, Em." JJ began walking towards the kitchen. "Let me…uh…let me put these in some water."_

 _JJ did just that and then reached into her cupboards and grabbed two plates and two sets of silverware for their meal. She handed one set to Emily before reaching into the food bags and taking the boxes out. "Feel free to take whatever you want. I didn't know what you like, so I kinda bought some of everything." She laughed at her own expense as she opened the carton of Lo Mein and served herself a healthy portion. She noticed Emily looking at her, amused. "This is my favorite," she explained as Emily began to serve herself._

 _Emily giggled. "Thank you for this, Jen. I really appreciate it."_

 _JJ nodded. "Of course. This isn't a big deal for me." When she noticed the look on Emily's face, she amended her statement. "I mean the food. The food isn't a big deal for me._ This _," she gestured to the two of them, "is a_ very _big deal for me. C'mon, let's go sit down."_

 _JJ led them into the living room and they sat on the couch. The blonde set her food down on the ottoman in the middle of the room, wanting to get the conversation over with first, so she didn't throw up her food._

 _"Emily, I-"_

 _"No, I-"_

 _Both women laughed at the awkwardness. Emily spoke next. "What you said the other day…?"_

 _The blonde nodded. "I meant it." JJ cleared her throat. "Last week," she started to explain, "I heard you telling Morgan that you were attracted to me. I wasn't trying to eavesdrop. It kind of just happened. And I guess I needed some liquid courage."_

 _Emily nodded in understanding. "I have to confess something. I saw you standing outside the bullpen. I knew you would hear."_

 _JJ was shocked. "So, you are? Attracted to me…."_

 _Emily shook her head. "No."_

 _JJ nodded, trying not to let her micro-expressions give away her heartbreak. She stood up in order to walk out of the room. She didn't know where she was going since it was her apartment, but she couldn't let Emily see her cry._

 _Emily reached out and grabbed her hand just as it was becoming too far way to reach. "Jen."_

 _JJ turned around to look at her friend._

 _A lone tear fell down the brunette's cheek. "I'm not attracted to you. I'm in love with you."_

* * *

"I don't even know where to start," JJ confessed after a moment with a light laugh at her expense.

Emily used two fingers to lift her wife's chin so their eyes met. "What do you think I'm going to tell you?"

JJ sighed. "Listen to my instincts."

Emily nodded. "You've spent so much time in your life trying to fight your instincts. This is hard for you, isn't it?"

"I'm getting better at it," JJ said.

"You are," Emily agreed. "What are your instincts telling you now?"

JJ closed her eyes gently. "I want to kiss you."

Emily stepped closer to her wife and wrapped her arms securely around her. "Funny, my instincts are telling me the same thing."

JJ's eyes fluttered open, and she lifted both hands to rest them on Emily's cheeks. They kissed, and it caused JJ to suddenly remember how to dance this dance she and Emily had danced so many times together. JJ smiled into the kiss, proud of herself, and then she was the one who began to back them up towards the bed.

Emily's eyes had been closed, but they snapped open as soon as the back of her knees hit the edge of the king sized bed. "Are you sure?"

JJ's response was to pull off the shirt part of Emily's suit. "Can you unzip my dress?"

Emily nodded and moved to stand behind JJ. The blonde watched her wife in the mirror as she slowly unzipped the dress, placing kisses to newly exposed skin as she went. Once the zipper was as low as it went, Emily stood up and took JJ's hand, helping her step out of it. After the dress was thrown into what became the laundry pile, Emily took off her pants, wanting the two of them to have equal amounts of nakedness. She kissed her wife one more time before kneeling down again. Emily placed a lingering kiss to JJ's belly button before pressing her lips to the skin directly below it.

JJ suddenly realized what her wife was doing, and her breath caught in her throat. "Are you going to kiss all my scars?"

Emily looked up and her eyes met JJ's, which were starting to water. Emily swallowed a lump her throat. "Every. Single. One." She stood up and took her wife's hand. "Why don't you go ahead and lie on the bed? I don't want your legs to give out."

JJ nodded silently and followed her wife's advice, but not before reaching behind her and unclasping her bra. She shrugged it off. "It's easier to take it off before," she explained.

Emily nodded with a light laugh before unclasping her own bra and lying on the bed next to JJ. "How do you feel?"

JJ smiled. "Great. You?"

Of course JJ could tell that Emily was feeling nervous too. "Me too."

Emily kissed JJ and then made a line straight down with her lips, kissing her chin, collarbone, the valley of her breasts, her ribcage, and then she landed where she had been previously. She placed an intentional kiss on each fading line on JJ's stomach before moving to her left, JJ's right, to kiss the large scar on her arm. Her lips lingered there for almost half a minute. Then, she moved to the place where JJ's thighs met her knees, which is where the majority of the rest of her physical scars existed.

JJ's eyes were closed gently, but as Emily's lips traveled upwards, her eyelids tightened. Emily noticed almost immediately. "JJ?" The blonde's eyes tightened even more at the use of her nickname, which made the brunette notice what she had said. "Jennifer?" She tried again, using the softest, gentlest voice she could muster.

JJ nodded, her eyelids loosening some. "I'm okay. We can keep going."

Emily shook her head, knowing JJ wouldn't see it. "I need you to open your eyes."

JJ shook her head. "I like closing my eyes. It helps me concentrate. I've always done it."

Emily placed a soft kiss to the soft skin of JJ's right thigh before nuzzling her nose against it. "That's not what you were just doing."

JJ sighed. "I was fighting off a flashback."

"I know," Emily replied. "What triggered it?"

JJ blew out a puff of air as her cheeks turned bright red. "I'm…um…really turned on."

Emily smiled softly before moving herself up and gently kissing her wife's lips. "Open your eyes."

This time, JJ obeyed. The intensity in Emily's eyes made her want to close them again though. "What else?"

"Your kisses were getting kind of close; I just freaked out. I don't know why. I'm okay now. I want to do this."

Emily rested her forehead against her wife's. "Are you sure? I'm gonna trust your judgement here."

JJ nodded. "Please."

Emily could see the lust in her wife's eyes. And though she feared triggering a flashback, the thought of her wife remaining in this desperate state for an unknown length of time was almost worse. "Promise me you'll tell me if you need to stop."

"I promise. Can I ask for something?"

This was yet another question that JJ had never asked blatantly, and it shocked Emily into silence for a moment. "Of course, sweetheart."

"Um, can you hold off on kissing the rest of my scars? I want you to, I do. I just don't know if I'm ready for that tonight."

Emily nodded against her wife's forehead. "Of course. Thank you for telling me that. I was planning on using my hand tonight anyway because I want to be able to talk to you through this."

JJ nodded gratefully and lifted her head to kiss her wife. "Thank you."

Emily smiled lovingly at her wife. "I'm gonna have to let you do that from now on, aren't I?"

"I'm not doing it for any reason involving fear or shame. I do it because I'm genuinely that grateful."

Emily nodded. She understood that now. "You are so welcome." Her voice broke as she spoke.

JJ reached up to wipe the tears that were falling from her wife's beautiful, expressive eyes. "There are going to be a lot of tears tonight," she predicted.

Emily agreed. "There's nothing wrong with that. 'There is a sacredness in tears,'" she quoted, getting out of the bed to remove her underwear.

JJ recognized the Washington Irving quote and continued it as she removed her own underwear. "'They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.'"

Emily picked up her underwear and took JJ's from her before putting them both in the laundry pile. "'They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief…"

"… of deep contrition…"

Emily returned to her position on top of JJ before whispering in her ear: "… and of _unspeakable_ love."

After a few moments of comfortable silence, JJ spoke. "I miss this."

Emily smiled and brushed a stay hair behind JJ's left ear. "Me too. But we're here now. I promised you I wouldn't let him take this from us."

JJ nodded. "You've never broken a promise to me."

The brunette leaned forward to capture the blonde's lips with hers. Just like the two women, their mouths recognized each other in this well-choreographed dance. It had been too long, but now they were coming home.

Just like the first time they had made love, Emily began slowly moving her right hand down the blonde's body, stopping part of the way down the scratch the skin above her ribcage. JJ gasped and their eyes met, JJ communicating that the gasp was a good reaction.

After a minute, Emily's hand continued its descent. The brunette passed the apex of JJ's thighs and her hand landed between her legs a few inches down from where JJ wanted it. "This is probably a crazy question since it's been nine months, but I need to know," Emily said. "You don't still have any tenderness or pain, do you?"

JJ shook her head. "Good as new." She amended, "Kinda."

Emily shook her head in response, grazing a finger across the soft skin, noting JJ's soft moan. "You're better than new."

JJ chuckled. "You're not gonna give me the 'The Ancient Chinese filled cracks in their bowls with gold' speech again, are you?"

"Looks like I don't have to." Emily kissed her wife's nose. "Are you ready for this or do you want to wait a little longer?"

"I need this, Em. I promise I'm ready."

Emily nodded her head, placing it against JJ's and using her left hand, she took JJ's right and held it in hers above the blonde's head.

"Tell me if-"

"I know. Now kiss me."

Emily followed her wife's orders as she moved her hand back up and with it gently cupped JJ's core. Within their kiss, Emily felt JJ swallow hard. She pulled away and whispered against her lips, "I love you."

"I love you too," JJ replied, a tear escaping her right eye. "It's happening already," she said, attempting to pull her hand out of Emily's grip to wipe it away.

Emily shook her head, squeezing JJ's hand. "Let it happen." Emily began to move her hand slowly, putting very light pressure on JJ, gradually increasing it until JJ moaned softly.

Emily smiled, kissing her wife tenderly. "Let it happen."

The brunette lifted her hand, leaving two fingers to slowly move through her wife's folds. Emily noticed JJ close her eyes and squeezed her hand in response. "Jennifer?"

"I'm okay," JJ replied. "Just talk to me."

Emily didn't know what to say. So she said the first thing that came to her mind. "I love you."

JJ started to smile, but stopped to breathe out forcefully as one of Emily's fingers danced across a particularly sensitive area.

Emily couldn't believe that they had gotten to this point in JJ's recovery. JJ thanked her all the time for all Emily had done for her, and though it felt good to hear that her efforts had been worthwhile, what JJ didn't understand was Emily was the one who should be grateful. Emily couldn't think of anything she was more grateful for than JJ allowing her to love her.

"I love you," she said as she traced circles.

"I love you," she promised as she gently pushed one finger into JJ.

"I love you," she vowed as she began to slowly move the finger.

"I love you," she cried as she added another loving finger.

"I love you," she whispered in JJ's ear as she placed kisses along her wife's jawline.

"I love you," she proclaimed with her lips as she kissed each of JJ's closed eyelids.

"I love you," she reminded as she felt JJ's walls begin to tighten around her fingers.

"I love you," she reassured with each beautiful, exquisite sound that escaped her wife's lips.

"I love you," she choked out when JJ's entire body shuddered around her fingers.

"I love you," she swore when all had gone quiet except for heavy breathing and the sounds of both of their tears.

Emily reached out to wipe JJ's tears off her red cheeks. Finally, her eyes opened. "Are you okay?" Emily asked.

The blonde mustered up most of the energy she had left to nod. "Thank you," JJ whispered with major effort.

Emily shook her head, taking a shaky breath. "No. Thank you."

 **AN: So, I'm typing this while crying. And if any of you are like me, I'm gonna advise you to take a deep breath. Please, please let me know what you think. I'm really proud of this and I hope you all enjoy it. One more chapter left!**


	30. Chapter 30

Strength and Courage

Chapter 30

 **AN: Here is the *GASP* last chapter of Strength and Courage! Guys, I am so proud of this story and I want to thank you all for reading, reviewing, favoriting, following…especially you guys who have been there from the beginning. Many of the users who've reviewed I've talked to on PM, but I couldn't message any of the guests, so I want to thank you all separately…thank you. See you on the flip side. Here goes….**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.**

 **I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence.**

– **Gabby**

 _"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."_

― _Lao Tzu_

It had been a physically and emotionally exhausting evening for both women, and it went without saying that they both needed some serious sleep. JJ got in at least ten hours. Emily, on the other hand, being the person she was, did not sleep much for a couple of reasons. The first was that she realized after JJ had fallen asleep that it was cold in the mountains. This didn't bother the brunette much; temperature didn't really affect her. JJ, however, was very sensitive to many things, cold being one of them. The older profiler, knowing this, had decided to make herself personally responsible for her wife's warmth. There were some extra blankets in the car, which she was planning on retrieving in the morning, but if Emily left now and JJ woke up to an empty bed, she could possibly have a panic attack. It had happened before.

Emily made herself into a human blanket and watched over her wife as she slept, which wasn't an awful job. She had been doing it for a long time, and especially when JJ felt at peace, her gentle breathing was soothing to the older woman. It was obvious that night that the blonde felt entirely secure, which made it hard for Emily to not keep a smile on her face all night. This was the first time in almost a year that JJ had maintained this level of peaceful sleep, and Emily was determined to not disturb it. This is why she decided not to get the extra blankets until the morning and to not sleep.

She dozed at some point, slept for one or two hours, which wasn't uncommon for Emily. She was one of those people who could function on two or three hours of sleep for days. JJ didn't believe it was possible until she had witnessed it. The blonde needed seven or eight even before her abduction. Now, she needed almost ten.

Emily used the quiet hours to think. Before she had begun dating JJ, being awake at night scared her. The feeling of being alone in her bed in the darkness of night really reminded her of how lonely she was. But being awake when JJ was asleep in her arms was a totally different feeling. JJ provided a level of security that ten years ago, the brunette could only dream of. Everyone saw how JJ benefited from their relationship, and it was obvious to all who knew them that Emily's treatment of JJ really helped her in her darkest times. What many people in their lives didn't understand, though, was that Emily had learned just as much from JJ as JJ had learned from her. The brunette learned early on in their relationship that being strong didn't mean being cold. She learned, much like JJ, that being independent did not mean not needing anyone. She learned that her past did not define her future. These lessons, learned together by Emily and her extraordinarily resilient wife, had come to them at the most necessary times.

Emily always told JJ she didn't have to thank her for anything. Of course, she did it because she feared her wife did it out of some kind of feeling of obligation, guilt, or shame. But she also did it because JJ didn't have anything more to thank Emily for than Emily had to thank JJ for.

Lying with JJ in her arms on the night of their fifth wedding anniversary was a gift. There had been many occasions over the years, and even before their relationship started, that could have very well resulted in the blonde's physical and/or emotional death. But JJ had survived the hard times and now she could thrive; they could thrive together.

Said blonde began to stir at about eleven in the morning. Emily tightened her arms around her wife, not necessarily to warm her (it was relatively warm in the cabin in the morning), but to remind her of her love. Emily, as usual, did this instinctively.

As soon as she remembered where she was, her lips parted into a wide smile. JJ couldn't believe how much progress she had made in nine months. It was almost miraculous to her. "Hi," she mumbled sleepily.

A smile that rivalled JJ's graced Emily's features at the sound of her wife's voice. "Good morning." Emily was grateful JJ's head was within kissing distance because she wouldn't have moved in that moment if her life depended on it. "How did you sleep?"

JJ yawned. "Better than I have in a really long time," she spoke softly as she gently lifted her head off her wife's chest so she could make eye contact. "Thank you."

Emily reminded herself not to respond to JJ's gratitude with a rejection of it. "You're welcome."

Holding her head up took too much energy out of the blonde woman so she gently laid it back down while taking assessment of her entire body. Yep, she still felt like goo everywhere. She was the luckiest goo ever. "You didn't sleep."

Emily shrugged, running a hand up and down JJ's bare back. "Watching you sleep was better."

JJ narrowed her eyes. "Am I going to have to start monitoring your bedtime too?"

Emily chuckled. "You wouldn't!"

JJ scoffed, but it turned into a smirk. "Don't test me, Prentiss."

The brunette nodded, acknowledging to JJ that she would make sure she got some sleep over the course of their mini-vacation. "How do you feel?"

"Like the luckiest goo in the whole entire world."

Emily was genuinely confused. "What?"

JJ laughed and Emily soon joined in. "Good," the blonde clarified. "I feel really good." Emily continued to laugh, mostly because she too felt luck the luckiest goo in the whole entire world. JJ asked after a few moments, "How do you feel?"

"Luckier than the luckiest goo in the whole entire world."

"Not possible," JJ replied, placing light kisses the skin of Emily's collarbone. "As much as I would absolutely love to stay right here in the most comfortable bed and blanket ever," JJ began, curling a strand of Emily's dark hair in her finger, "I really don't want to give Derek the satisfaction of saying we stayed in bed for the entire trip. So, I'm going to have to go take a shower. Does ten minutes count as a break?"

Emily laughed. "Let's go see if our goo legs will work. You can take a shower and I'll go grab some things from the car, like some extra blankets and I'll bring them in here. Sound good?"

JJ groaned. "No, but it sounds necessary." The blonde ceremoniously rolled off of Emily and got out of the bed. Without putting on a robe, she reached over to kiss her wife. "I love you, you know."

"I love you, too." Emily kissed JJ again, but unlike the kisses they had shared in the previous months, this kiss conveyed a longing that Emily had just now begun to allow herself to express. The brunette reluctantly released the hair that she had been gripping, so that JJ could back away. "Thank you."

JJ just smiled, grabbing a T-Shirt and some underwear before walking into the bathroom.

Emily sat up straight in bed and reached for a robe. She stood up and put it on, grabbing her cell phone, before walking into the living room of the cabin. She was going to go outside to the car, but she became distracted when her cell phone rang. It was Hotch.

"Hotch? Is everything okay?"

"Yes, Emily. Everything is fine," the brunette heard on the other end. "I'm sorry to disturb you on your vacation, but I got a call from social services and I wanted to let you know two things."

"Okay?" Emily didn't let herself get her hopes up.

"The first is that everything necessary for you and JJ to become foster parents has been done, so when you guys get back, you can become officially licensed to foster."

Emily took a deep breath. "And the second thing?"

"The D'Agostino twins have been placed in a semi-permanent foster home."

"Wait, semi-permanent? What does that mean?"

"It means the parents aren't planning on adopting them, but as it stands, they are planning on keeping the twins until someone is willing to."

"Okay. Thank you for calling, Hotch. I appreciate it."

"No problem, Emily. We'll see you guys in a week."

Emily sighed. She knew she had just lost any chance of being able to take the twins. She and JJ were not in the place to just adopt them. On the other hand, if a situation like this were to ever happen again, the couple would be better prepared. Emily knew that what was meant to happen would happen, and so refused to let this news tamper with her peaceful mood. She was with the love of her life, celebrating their life together. It didn't get any better that that.

Forgetting about the blankets in the car, Emily sat on the couch to relax until JJ was done with her shower.

* * *

 _JJ was sitting in her office when she heard a knock at the door._

" _Come in!" she called, closing the file in front of her. JJ was the Behavioral Analysis Unit's media/press liaison and she was currently taking classes to become a profiler like the rest of the team._

 _The door opened and in walked Hotch and a woman JJ had never seen before. The moment their eyes connected, JJ could have sworn she saw sparks. Not to mention the fact that the other woman was looking at her as if she too had recognized a power in their contact._

 _As soon as she collected herself, JJ stood up. She recalled that Hotch had told her Elle's replacement was coming in for her first day today._

" _JJ," Hotch said, "This is SSA Emily Prentiss. She's coming to us from in Interpol. Prentiss, this is Jennifer Jareau. She's our communications liaison and is in the process of becoming a profiler."_

 _The two women hesitantly reached out to shake hands, fearing the reaction they would have. "Nice to meet you, Emily."_

" _You too, Jennifer."_

 _In her daze, JJ forgot to tell Emily to call her JJ. Oh, well. It's not like the media liaison didn't like the way her full name sounded coming from the dark-haired agents lips._

 _The contact between their hands lasted a little longer than was necessary or socially acceptable, so after a while, Hotch cleared his throat. "JJ, are you too busy to give SSA Prentiss a tour of the building?"_

 _JJ instantly replied. "Nope, not busy at all." She turned to Emily. "I'd be glad to give you a tour." The first part was a lie. JJ was in the middle of trying to pick the BAU's next case; she was trying to choose between two very dire situations. But for some reason, meeting Emily Prentiss had caused her to decide that they could wait._

" _Great," Hotch responded. "I'll leave you two to chat." Hotch left, leaving the two women to manage their awkward situation alone._

 _The silence lasted too long, so Emily decided to ask, "So, this is your office?" It was a stupid question, but she hoped it would get a conversation—a professional conversation—going._

" _Yeah," JJ replied, a little too quickly. She went to her desk, and piled the two files she was looking at in the corner. "It looks a little messy, I know," she conceded in response to the look her desk was receiving from the new agent, "but I actually have a pretty efficient system. I promise."_

 _Emily laughed. It was the most beautiful laugh JJ had ever heard, and it didn't sound sinister like her other girlfriends._ NO! _Why was JJ comparing Agent Prentiss to her girlfriends?_

" _How long have you been with the unit?" the brunette asked._

" _Um, three years," JJ replied, a little embarrassed that it took her a few seconds to remember how long she'd work there. "What about you? How long did you work for Interpol?"_

 _Emily thought for a moment. "About seven years."_

" _Really? That's a long time," JJ commented. "You take down any really cool terrorists or anything?"_

 _Emily shook her head. "Nah, I'm hoping my experiences here in the FBI will be more interesting than Interpol." It was quick, but JJ could have sworn she saw the agent wink. She shook her head to clear her thoughts. There had been new agents before. Never in her life had JJ been so interested in one of them. "Do you like it here?"_

" _Yeah, we're kind of like a family here," JJ replied sort of absently._

" _Are you okay, Jennifer?" she heard after a moment. The sound of her name coming from this exquisite woman woke her up from her Emily-induced stupor._

" _Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Sorry. I was just thinking. Have you met the rest of the team?"_

 _Emily shook her head. "Besides Agent Hotchner, yours is the first beautiful face I've seen."_

 _JJ was confused. Was Emily flirting with her? No one had ever flirted with her. How could someone like Emily be interested in someone like JJ? "Let's go meet everyone, then. I think you'll fit in well."_

" _Sounds good," Emily replied with a smile._

" _Good," JJ said, taking a deep breath._

 _This Emily chick was going to drive her crazy. Little did she know that Emily was thinking the same of her._

* * *

JJ took her shower with glee. She couldn't recall the last time she had felt this happy. It was probably five years ago at her wedding. She wasn't dismissing the significance of what had happened to her, and she knew healing was a process. The first anniversary of her abduction was approaching, and she knew it would come with its own difficulties and challenges. But she also wasn't going to deny herself the true happiness and peacefulness that was available to her. She wasn't going to deny herself to comfort that existed within her wife's arms anymore. She didn't have to.

JJ's thoughts wandered to the first time she met the blonde. The attraction had been instant, and yet neither woman allowed herself to acknowledge it for two years. The blonde figured it worked out well, though, because being friends with Emily first had allowed her to come to a point of trust and love in a platonic sense, and it caused her to be more comfortable in their relationship, especially at the beginning when she had many reservations.

After she had slipped on her underwear and comfy old T-Shirt, she walked back into the bedroom. Emily had said she would bring the extra blankets in there, and they were nowhere to be found. That didn't concern her much; maybe Emily had become distracted by something else. She decided to get the blankets herself.

"Hey, Em, did you say those extra blankets were in the…trunk?"

JJ couldn't help but smile at the sight in front of her. Emily was fast asleep on the couch. After all this time, the poor thing had finally allowed herself to relax.

JJ laughed lightly to herself before pressing a sweet kiss to her wife's forehead. "I love you, Em," she whispered, being careful not to wake her up.

Then, she made her way to the front of the cabin. She took one last look at the woman who had so drastically changed the way she saw the world and herself, the woman whose love had given her strength, the woman whose willingness to be loved by her gave her courage.

Blowing Emily a kiss, JJ stepped out the door and closed it behind her.

" _The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places."_

 _-Ernest Hemingway_

 **AN: Tears are shooting from my eyes. (not really, but still). Okay, so down to business. I got 200 reviews (YAAAAY!) I have Thanksgiving break coming up soon, so I'll try to give you guys a super quick update with my extra time. I'm running out of ideas for flashbacks, so if you want me to continue those, I'm gonna need some ideas. Is there anything I mentioned that you'd like to see fleshed out in a flashback or is there anything else you'd like to see?**

 **The first chapter of the sequel, Strength and Healing, should be up this weekend. I will post an update here, so all my followers get the message.**

 **I think that's it, you guys. Thank you all so much.**


	31. Sequel

Hey everyone! The sequel is up!

/s/11613683/1/Strength-and-Healing

I'm about the change this story from "in progress" to "complete", but as Emily and JJ know, the journey is never over!

Thank you all for reading, and I'm looking forward to continuing the journey with you all!

-Gabby


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